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The
Supremos - Episode 22
August
8, 2001
by The Shifties
OPENING
SCENE: A few days ago, in the Chambers of Justice Supremo.
At the request of Dick Cheney, Nino is helping Health Secretary
Tommy Thompson prepare for a TV interview with Sam Donaldson,
which took place Sunday, August 5.
Justice
Supremo: Let's go over the questions.
Secretary
Thompson: Sam Donaldson gave you the questions in advance?
Justice
Supremo: Gave? Yeah, I guess you could say he 'gave' them
to us. (looks at paper) The first is about the Norwood
compromise on patient rights. He'll quote Ted Kennedy saying
this isn't a real bill. That the Senate won't pass it until
they get a real bill. How do you respond?
Secretary
Thompson: (thinks) I say, "it's not a real bill?
Does it not have pages? Is it not properly typed?"
Justice
Supremo: Then Donaldson will say, Secretary Thompson,
the House bill strictly limits the patient's ability to sue
in State court by requiring him to first undergo a lengthy
arbitration process with a review board that is bound to favor
the insurance company. What do you say to that?
Secretary
Thompson: Sure, so what?
Justice
Supremo: Huh?
Secretary
Thompson: So what?
Justice
Supremo: You're making it sound as if the system is inherently
unfair to the patient.
Secretary
Thompson: Of course. That's the whole point, right? If
the HMOs can't screw the patient, they can't make any money.
Justice
Supremo: Yeah, but you can't say that.
Secretary
Thompson: So what can I say?
Justice
Supremo: You can say (clears his throat) "the President
is of course very concerned, Sam, that the patient get the
protection he needs, and that's precisely why the Legislature
must join together to pass this bill. So the patients of America
will get the protection they need."
Secretary
Thompson: That doesn't answer the question.
Justice
Supremo: No, it doesn't, does it? (glares hard at Thompson)
Secretary
Thompson: I follow.
Justice
Supremo: The Democratic bill required the patient to prove
that HMO negligence was "a" cause for injury. We want the
patient to have to prove that negligence was "the" cause for
injury.
Secretary
Thompson: That's nuts. What if the patient had diabetes?
The HMO could just blame everything on the diabetes and avoid
responsibility for its own screw-ups. How is the patient supposed
to get redress?
Justice
Supremo: (sighs) Tommy, you cannot go on
national TV and tell everybody the Republican party is full
of shit.
Secretary
Thompson: Tell me what I should say.
Justice
Supremo: Say that (clears throat again) "the President
is very concerned, because litigation ties up the courts,
and who wants to live in a society run by trial lawyers? Certainly
not the President. The President doesn't want to stuff more
money in the lawyers' pockets. The President is against ambulance
chasers."
Secretary
Thompson: That qualifies as an answer?
Justice
Supremo: On TV it does. Last question is about stem cell
research.
Secretary
Thompson: Who could be against that?
Justice
Supremo: A significant percentage of the President's supporters,
that's who. Sam's going to read a statement you made in favor
of stem cell research. But now you're in the Cabinet, and
the President hasn't made up his mind. Suppose he decides
against it?
Secretary
Thompson: I can't disagree with the President?
Justice
Supremo: Sure, from the podium in your new classroom in
the animal husbandry program at UW- River Falls.
Secretary
Thompson: Oh. (thinks) I know. I'll say I was just
confused.
Justice
Supremo: Good answer. Everybody will believe that.
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