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The
Supremos - Episode 18
July 4,
2001
by The Shifties
OPENING
SCENE: The office of House Majority Leader Tom Delay. Rep.
Delay is going over a list of names with a young female aide.
Aide:
(reads) Senators Spector, Hutchinson, and Snowe.
Rep.
Delay: Strike them down.
Aide:
They can't come to the Republican Fourth of July picnic?
Rep.
Delay: (firmly) Nay, for they bear the stain of
the Prodigal.
Aide:
You're referring to Senator Jeffords.
Rep.
Delay: Speak ye not that name in the House, woman.
Aide:
(sigh) Sir, the Vice-President isn't going to like
this.
Rep.
Delay: Let him that liketh not the Word go forth and start
his own Picnic.
SCENE:
The Opus Dei clubhouse in Great Falls, Virginia. Rehnquist,
Thomas and Supremo are having coffee. Supremo is perusing
the Washington Times.
Justice
Supremo: Mike Bloomberg is runnin' for Mayor of New York.
Justice
Thomas: Gosh, I watch his TV station! Republican or Democrat?
Justice
Supremo: Whichever's cheaper. (reads on) It's us.
Chief
Rehnquist: At least there'll be a Republican in City Hall.
Justice
Supremo: (sets down the newspaper) Not with crime
down. No Republican's gonna win except on crime. Only drum
we got to bang, you know what I'm sayin'?
Chief
Rehnquist: Crime can't be down in New York City.
Justice
Thomas: It is, Chief. I saw it on Bloomberg TV. It's the
result of Mayor Guiliani's enforcement policies.
Rehnquist
& Supremo: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Chief
Rehnquist: You kill me, Clarence. But if crime's really
down, we got a problem. That could cost us the election. Nino,
can't you do somethin'?
Justice
Supremo: I'm outta that now, Chief.
Chief
Rehnquist gives him a hard stare.
Justice
Supremo: (sighs) Okay, wait a minnit. (picks
up phone and dials) Danny? It's Nino. Long time. (listens)
You know I'm down in Washington, how'm I gonna get to Brooklyn
to eat at your restaurant, tell me that? Yeah, yeah, next
trip. (listens) Look, we got a little problem. The
crime rate's down. (listens) I know crime ain't really
down, gimme some credit here, but you're keepin' a low profile
and there's an election comin' up. We could end up with a
liberal mayor in New York. (listens) I know it don't
make no difference to you, but it's important on the national
level. Geez, we could get fuggin' David Dinkins. (listens)
That's always been your problem, Danny, you can't see past
the end of your pasta fork. We get voted outta office, who's
gonna lock up your competition? (listens) That's better.
Hold on a minnit (looks up from the phone) You guys
recommend something?
Chief
Rehnquist: Nobody should get hurt, is all.
Justice
Supremo: Nonviolent crime only, buddy. Put the girls back
out on the street where the reporters can see'em. We wanna
read about a crime epidemic in the papers. (thinks)
Y'know that annoyin' boy of Sid's? the one that keeps getting'
kicked outta Hebrew school? Why don'tcha kidnap him and send
Sid a ransom note? Make sure he gets on TV sayin' how New
York ain't a safe place to bring up kids no more. (listens)
You owe me, buddy, don't make me come up there and remind
you. (irritably) No, we can't start a war, you nitwit.
That's for Presidential elections. (hangs up and turns
to Rehnquist and Thomas) He's on it.
SCENE:
Back in Tom Delay's office.
Aide:
(reads) Justice Antonin Supremo.
Rep.
Delay: (solemnly) Strike him down!
Aide:
Sir, we can't! (pleading) I know you don't like Catholics,
but we can't expect overnight change. It's a slow process,
an evolution...
Rep.
Delay: (leaping to his feet) Speak ye not that
word in the House of the Lords!!!
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