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The
Supremos - Episode 14
June 6,
2001
by The Shifties
OPENING
SCENE: Around midnight in the chambers of Chief Justice Rehnquist.
The door opens; it's Justice Clarence Thomas.
Justice
Thomas: They got him,
Chief
Justice Rehnquist: Bring'em in. Make sure they wipe their
feet.
Justice
Thomas disappears through the doorway. A few minutes later
he returns accompanied by two men clad in black ninja costume,
carrying a rolled-up Persian carpet.
Justice
Thomas: Drop it there, boys.
The ninjas
unceremoniously dump the rug to the floor and unroll it. Inside
is Senator Trent Lott of Mississippi, wearing blue pyjamas.
The ninjas remove their headgear. It's Rush Limbaugh and columnist
George Will.
Rush
Limbaugh: We almost didn't recognize him without his hair.
Rehnquist:
You the only two guys in Washington don't know Trent Lott
wears a rug.
Senator
Lott sits up, obviously shaken.
Senator
Trent Lott: What am I doing here?
Rehnquist:
It's Judgment Day, and I ain't Saint Peter.
Trent
Lott: (turning white) This is about Jeffords, isn't
it? He's always been a pain in the ass, but nobody thought
he'd… now the Senate is completely screwed up.
Rehnquist:
Who gives a shit about the Senate? You fugged up the Court
appointments. (turns to George Will) Where's the bat?
George
Will: Here, Chief. A 34 oz. commemorative signed by the
1988 Toledo Mud Hens.
Rehnquist:
Just make sure the lumps and bruises fit under the toupee.
(departs, mumbling to himself) Now we'll never get
rid of the Bill of Rights.
SCENE:
In the chambers of Justice Supremo. He is being interviewed
by a college student for a journalism project.
Student:
You have consistently voted against First Amendment rights
in cases before the Court.
Nino
Supremo: Not true.
Student:
No? I have eighteen separate cases in which you failed to
uphold free speech.
Nino
Supremo: I voted against free speech because contrary
to popular opinion, free speech is the single greatest threat
to the First Amendment. Student: What?
Nino
Supremo: Consider this, my young friend. If people are
allowed to abuse the First Amendment by speaking their minds
willy-nilly, or saying things that are bad for business -
wait a minute, I mean bad for the nation's welfare, make sure
you change that - then the public will begin to view the First
Amendment as just another excuse for libertinism, immorality,
and irresponsibility.
Student:
They will?
Nino
Supremo: Take my word for it. And that, my young friend,
could spark an irresistible nationwide groundswell for repeal
of the Amendment. (pauses) You see where I'm goin'
with this, doncha?
Student:
I'm not certain.
Nino
Supremo: My sworn duty, as a Justice of the Supreme Court
of the United States of America, is to protect the Constitution.
It is my considered opinion - and don't think I just come
up with it over the spit sink this mornin' - that the best
way to protect the First Amendment is to suppress the right
to free speech.
Student:
I don't know what to think.
Nino
Supremo: They don't teach you this stuff at that liberal
college of yours, huh?
Student:
They don't. Uh... you don't happen to have any ibuprofen,
do you?
Nino
Supremo: Right here, kid. You'd be surprised how many
visitors ask for it.
SCENE:
Early hours of the morning. An isolated farm near Front Royal,
Virginia. Two burly men suspend a third by his ankles over
a frothing hot tub. Every few moments they dunk him, headfirst,
into the water. The victim is White House Chief of Staff Andrew
Card
Andrew
Card: Please, no more! I'll tell you whatever you want
to know!
Rush
Limbaugh: We don't want information. We just want to see
your head shrivel up and turn black like a raisin.
Andrew
Card: Noooooooooo! They dunk him again.
To
be continued...
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