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The
Supremos - Episode 12
May 23,
2001
by The Shifties
OPENING
SCENE: at the big Republican meeting at Bohemian Grove. A
breakout session on the space missile defense system
Secretary
Donald Rumsfeld: ...and when it's finished, our nation
will be protected by this invisible shield.
Woman
in Audience: Is it plastic?
Secretary
Rumsfeld: What?
Woman:
The invisible shield.
Secretary
Rumsfeld: Of course not.
Man in
Audience: Bulletproof glass?
Secretary
Rumsfeld: (irritably) It's not made of anything.
It's a metaphor. I don't mean it's a real shield, for God's
sake.
Woman:
If it isn't real, why do we have to pay hundreds of billions
of dollars for it?
Man:
Wouldn't it be cheaper just to make it out of plexiglass?
Secretary
Rumsfeld: Plexiglass won't stop a missile, dammit!
Woman:
This does?
Secretary
Rumsfeld: (shouting) Yes, usually.
Vice
President Dick Cheney steps to the microphone.
VP Cheney:
Excuse me, Don. Folks, the Administration promises to tell
you ahead of time which defense contractors will get the money
so you can buy up stock.
Enthusiastic
applause.
SCENE:
Breakout session on the Drug War
Newly
Appointed Drug Czar Walters: Our new approach combines
treatment with enforcement. We drop social workers into the
ghetto from helicopter gunships.
Audience
member: Don't you still have to pay for parachutes?
Drug
czar: Not if you fly low enough.
SCENE:
Breakout session on Youth and Education
Secretary
Paige: Our goal is to completely privatize education by
2008, with 3 million new slots in voucher-funded religious
schools.
Audience
member: What happens to students who are left in public
school?
Secretary
Paige: We hold them accountable with daily 3-hour standardized
tests.
Audience
member: If all the bright students are gone, won't the
scores be awful?
Secretary
Paige: Oh, we won't actually grade the tests. Costs too
much. We'll just throw them out and tell the students they
scored low and need to work harder.
Audience
member: What if they refuse?
Secretary
Paige: Refusal to take tests is punishable by expulsion.
Audience
member: And after they're expelled?
Secretary
Paige: I think this is a good time to introduce Attorney
General Ashcroft, who will discuss his plans for the juvenile
justice system.
Attorney
General Ashcroft: Thank you, Rod. In preface, let me say
this new plan represents the hard work and dedication of hundreds
of conservative policy analysts meeting in secret Internet
chat rooms during the dark years of the Clinton administration.
(dramatic pause) In a nutshell, we're going to do away
with juvenile courts, try everyone as an adult, and build
six hundred new prisons to hold them. (no response)
Attorney
General Ashcroft: All right, we'll tell you where the
prisons will be built so you can buy up the land and sell
it back to us at a huge profit.
Enthusiastic
applause.
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