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The
Supremos - Episode 7
April 18,
2001
by The Shifties
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OPENING
SCENE: The Chambers of Justice Supremo. Nino is talking on
the phone to Florida.
Justice
Supremo: Try throwing out all the hanging chads. (waits)
Justice
Supremo: Still no good? Get rid of the pregnant chads,
too. (waits)
Justice
Supremo: You're shitting me. Look, just toss the friggin'
Gore votes. That's better. (hangs up and takes an old fashioned
red Princess phone out of a drawer. He dials.)
Justice
Supremo: Good afternoon, Mr. President. I'm calling to
report that the official recount is complete. You won Florida.
(listens)
Justice
Supremo: Actually, you got all the undervotes, sir. Your
opponent got zero. (listens)
Justice
Supremo: It is unusual. But then, nobody thought we'd
ever have a seven-foot Chinaman in the NBA, either. (listens)
Justice
Supremo: That's liberal propaganda, sir. Everyone knows
you can't fix a Presidential election. Congratulations on
your victory. (Nino hangs up as Justice Thomas enters,
carrying lunch.)
Justice
Supremo: What's with the chef salad? I ordered linguini.
Justice
Thomas: Clams make the inside of my car smell funny.
Justice
Supremo: Alright, but you ain't getting' no tip.
Justice
Thomas leaves in a huff.
Justice
Supremo: It's a joke, for chrissakes. (shakes his head)
Somethin' is definitely wrong with that guy.
SCENE:
The psychiatrist's office. Nino's weekly session.
Dr. Phlemmi:
How was your week?
Justice
Supremo: Monday, the President sends a philosopher to
give us a lecture. I hadda cancel my golf.
Dr. Phlemmi:
What philosopher?
Justice
Supremo: His name is Myron Magnet, I kid you not. Fat
guy with side whiskers.
Dr. Phlemmi:
Was it instructive?
Justice
Supremo: I'm sick of this compassionate conservativism.
See, conservatism is supposed to be simple. The message is,
'I got it, you don't, and I'm gonna keep it.' Or you got your
Reagan conservatism, which is 'I got it, you don't, and if
you try to take it, I'm lockin' your ass up.' But with the
Bush boys, it's like, 'we got it, you don't, so if we slip
you a few bucks, will you go away and leave us alone?' It
just confuses people.
Dr. Phlemmi:
You aren't ever going to pay me for that missed session, are
you?
Justice
Supremo: When Hell needs a heat pump, Doc.
SCENE:
Justice Thomas' chambers. Justice Rehnquist enters, unannounced.
Justice Thomas leaps to his feet.
Justice
Thomas: Chief! To what do I owe this honor?
Justice
Rehnquist places a styrofoam container on the desk.
Justice
Thomas: What's this? Oh my God! A cheese sandwich. And
it has... mustard!
Justice
Rehnquist: Clarence, are you cryin'?
SCENE:
The Opus Dei Men's Social Club in Great Falls, Virginia. Justice
Supremo sits alone at a small table. A stranger enters and
takes the seat across from him.
Justice
Supremo: You want an espresso?
Bob Jones
Jr.: No, thank you. Is this really Opus Dei?
Justice
Supremo: Opus Dei is a myth. There ain't no Opus Dei.
Bob Jones
Jr.: But the sign outside says….
Justice
Supremo: (glares at him) What sign?
Bob Jones
Jr.: Oh. Sorry. I have information. Someone has taken
out a contract on you.
Justice
Supremo: (sips coffee) Who is it this time?
Bob Jones
Jr.: I dealt with underlings. The boss was in the back
seat. I couldn't see his face.
Justice
Supremo: Which side of the aisle?
Bob Jones
Jr.: Republicans. Does that surprise you?
Justice
Supremo: I wish. What have they got on you?
Bob Jones
Jr.: (starts to tremble) An audit.
Justice
Supremo: Calm down. Timo, bring this guy a grappa.
Bob Jones
Jr.: I don't drink.
Justice
Supremo: Yes you do. Look, go home, lay low, don't answer
the door, don't even send out for pizza. I'll take care of
it. You were right to come to me.
Bob Jones
Jr.: I feel like a traitor.
Justice
Supremo: You ought to consider becomin' a Catholic. We're
good with guilt.
Bob Jones
Jr. exits.
Justice
Supremo: Timo, bring me the phone. And George Bush's home
number. Not Junior. Senior. (to himself) This is startin'
to depress me.
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