The Supremos - Episode 6
April 11, 2001
by The Shifties

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OPENING SCENE: A stretch limo parked in an underground garage near the White House. George Will and Rush Limbaugh wait impatiently in the back. The door opens. Ralph Nader slips into the opposite seat. He seems nervous and upset.

Ralph Nader: I know I'm late.

Rush Limbaugh: It's okay, Ralph. It's not like we have a nation to run.

Ralph Nader: I won't waste any more time, then. I want my cabinet post.

Limbaugh and Will look at one another, puzzled.

George Will: Your what?

Ralph Nader: The post I was promised, for helping your man win the election. I'd like either EPA or the Interior.

George Will: Those posts are filled, Ralph.

Ralph Nader: Of course, that's the plan. There's supposed to be a resignation for personal reasons, and in a show of nonpartisanship the President appoints me.

Rush Limbaugh: I don't know if you read the papers, Ralph, but our man didn't exactly 'win' the election. We had to steal it. And that means all deals are off.

Ralph Nader: (stunned) Are you saying I ruined my reputation for... nothing?

George Will: Not for nothing, Ralph. How would you like season tickets to the Cubs?

Rush Limbaugh: Or perhaps your own half-hour show on the EIB Network - if our sponsors approve, of course.

Ralph Nader: (furious) Why don't you two just offer me thirty pieces of silver?

Rush Limbaugh: Would that work?

Ralph Nader: I'm going to tell the world about this!

Rush Limbaugh: That you conspired to elect George W. Bush? I don't think so.

George Will: We could get you a teaching position at Valdosta State. Or what about Linda Tripp's old job at the Pentagon?

Nader exits, slamming the limo door behind him.

Rush Limbaugh: The nerve of some people.

George Will: (checks watch) Pat Buchanan arrives in ten minutes.

SCENE: The Chambers of Chief Justice Rehnquist. Nino Supremo and the Chief are watching videotape of Justice Thomas testifying before the House on the decision to stop the Florida recount.

Justice Thomas (on screen): I have been a member of this Court for nearly a decade, and I have yet to hear the first political conversation.

Justices Supremo & Rehnquist (together): Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Justice Thomas (onscreen): I was only interested in discharging my responsibility, not avoiding the issue or playing it safe.

Justices Supremo & Rehnquist (together): Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Chief Justice Rehnquist: (laughing) Turn it off! My stomach's hurtin'!

Justice Supremo: (stops the tape) That Clarence is a regular Eddie friggin' Murphy, ain't he? But he's been kinda odd lately.

Chief Justice Rehnquist: Whaddya talkin' about?

Justice Supremo: I dunno. Secretive. Like he's planning something.

Chief Justice Rehnquist: That guy loves you, Nino.

Justice Supremo: You think?

Chief Justice Rehnquist: Definitely. He's completely loyal.

Justice Supremo leaves for his next appointment. Rehnquist picks up the phone and places a call.

Rush Limbaugh: Let me put you on the speaker phone, Chief.

Chief Justice Rehnquist: Nino's suspicious. When's this thing gonna go down?

George Will: We're still negotiating with Thomas, sir.

Chief Justice Rehnquist: What's he want?

Rush Limbaugh: We're not entirely certain, sir. He's very circumspect.

Chief Justice Rehnquist: Double the money. You ain't gonna pay him anyway.

George Will: Good point.

Chief Justice Rehnquist: Hey, Limbaugh, I heard you on the radio today. Sounded live. How you do that?

Rush Limbaugh: It's Rich Little, Chief.

Chief Justice Rehnquist: No kiddin'? Who does Will's columns?

George Will: This week? The Reverend Moon, sir.

Chief Justice Rehnquist: You people are somethin'. Well, get back to work.

SCENE: The psychiatrist's office

Dr. Phlemmi: You sound depressed.

Justice Supremo: No. Yeah. I dunno. Things are makin' me worried.

Dr. Phlemmi: Can you give an example?

Justice Supremo: Yesterday, Clarence forgot my dry cleaning.

Dr. Phlemmi: Perhaps it was an oversight.

Justice Supremo: He picked up for Rehnquist, didn't he? Plus I hear he's helping the clerks organize their chapter of the Federalist Society.

Dr. Phlemmi: I'm not familiar with it.

Justice Supremo: Just a bunch of snotty prick lawyers in blue suits, but that's beside the point. The point is, I ain't first in his thoughts.

Dr. Phlemmi: You're colleagues. He doesn't work for you.

Justice Supremo: This ain't about the organizational chart, Doc. If that little turd ain't kissin' my ass, there's a good chance he's tryin' to kill me.

Dr. Phlemmi: (taken aback) You don't mean that.

Justice Supremo: Professionally, not physically. (bitter laugh) The other way is less painful.

SCENE: The same limo, now parked near Hain's Point. George Will, Rush Limbaugh, and Clarence Thomas are having a discussion.

Rush Limbaugh: We are authorized to double our offer.

Justice Thomas: I don't want your money.

George Will: What do you want?

Justice Thomas: I want the other Justices to respect me. (hesitates) They talk about me behind my back, you know.

George Will: They do?

Justice Thomas: Yes.

Rush Limbaugh: What could the Chief do to show his respect for you, Clarence?

Justice Thomas: Um... he could bring me a sandwich.

George Will: Would it, ah, have to be any particular kind of sandwich?

Justice Thomas: Cheese.

Rush Limbaugh: You mean, swiss or cheddar or something?

Justice Thomas: He can pick the cheese.

Rush Limbaugh: (to George Will): The Chief can pick the cheese.

George Will: We'll, um, have to discuss this with him.

Justice Thomas: And mustard, not mayonnaise. If it has mayonnaise, I'm sending it back.

Rush Limbaugh: We'll have to get back to you on this, Clarence.

Justice Thomas: I understand. Protocol.

George Will: That's it. Protocol.

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