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The
Supremos - Episode 5
April 4,
2001
by The Shifties
 Tell
a friend about The Supremos
OPENING
SCENE: A residential street in Northwest Washington. Justice
Antonin Supremo sits in the back of his limousine. His driver
Timo is behind the wheel. Justice Supremo is examining a sheaf
of $100 bills.
Justice
Supremo: Three grand. Not bad for a lousy basketball game.
Timo:
I never figured you to bet on Maryland over Georgetown, boss.
I mean, against the Catholics.
Justice
Supremo: Irish Catholics. There's a difference.
Timo:
Sure, boss. (starts the car) Say, you mind handicappin'
campaign finance reform? Some of the other drivers got up
a pool.
Justice
Supremo: It'll never happen, Timo. It's unconstitutional.
It's un-American. And most important, it's un-Jersey. (both
laugh) You can't have politics without bribery.
SCENE:
A secret late-night meeting in the Chief Justice's chambers.
George Will and Rush Limbaugh are present.
George
Will: The first item on the agenda is possible fallout
from McCain-Feingold.
Chief
Justice Rehnquist: Shit on that. I wanna talk about what
I heard.
Rush
Limbaugh: What did you hear, Chief?
Chief
Justice Rehnquist: That Nino Supremo is still runnin'
things behind my back.
Rush
Limbaugh: Who told you that?
Chief
Justice Rehnquist: A little birdie. What I need to know
is, am I the guy, or ain't I?
George
Will: Why, you're the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court
of the United States of America, sir.
Chief
Justice Rehnquist: Yeah, yeah. But am I the guy?
George
Will: Without question, you're the guy, Chief.
Chief
Justice Rehnquist: You think I'm the guy, fatso?
Rush
Limbaugh: You're the guy, Chief.
Chief
Justice Rehnquist: I'm the guy, huh?
Limbaugh
& George Will, Together: You're the guy, Chief.
Chief
Justice Rehnquist: All right then. Now I wanna send out
for some clams.
SCENE:
in the psychiatrist's office
Justice
Supremo: Mind if I read somethin' to you?
Dr. Phlemmi:
All right.
Justice
Supremo: (reads from legal brief) "Construing the
residual phase to exclude all employment contracts fails to
give independent effect to the statute's enumeration of the
specified categories of workers which precedes it; there would
be no need for Congress to use the phrases 'seamen' and 'railroad
employees' if those same classes of workers were subsumed
within the meaning of the 'engaged in... commerce' residual
clause." (looks up) So whattya think?
Dr. Phlemmi:
I have absolutely no idea what you just said.
Justice
Supremo: You're not supposed to. It's a Supreme Court
opinion.
Dr. Phlemmi:
How are things at work?
Justice
Supremo: Mezzo-mezzo. The Chief's paranoid. He thinks
I'm running things behind his back.
Dr. Phlemmi:
And you're not.
Justice
Supremo: Oh sure I am, but just to help. He's an old man.
Now that Bush is in office, he should retire.
Dr. Phlemmi:
Isn't that his decision?
Justice
Supremo: I wanna make sure he makes the right decision.
Dr. Phlemmi:
Don't you think people should determine their own fate?
Justice
Supremo: Sure, unless it ain't good for business.
SCENE:
An alley. Three men in a late-model Cadillac with tinted windows.
Chief Justice Rehnquist is in the back. George Will and Rush
Limbaugh are in the front.
Chief
Justice Rehnquist: My stomach is killin' me, I tell ya.
When's this guy comin', anyway?
George
Will: He's on his way, Chief. (answers cell phone)
Where the heck are you, Bobby? No, you turned the wrong way.
Come back under the overpass. (hangs up)
Chief
Justice Rehnquist: I don't like this one bit.
Rush
Limbaugh: The thing has to be done.
Chief
Justice Rehnquist: So you two pricks keep tellin' me.
A black
Ford Explorer with South Carolina plates pulls into the alley.
A man gets out and approaches. He is wearing a polyester exercise
suit. The Chief Justice ducks out of sight. George Will and
Limbaugh get out of the car.
Bob Jones
Jr.: Sorry I'm late, fellas.
George
Will: Never mind that. You got it all set up?
Bob Jones
Jr.: I have two of my best men on it.
Rush
Limbaugh: We can't afford any screwups, Bob.
Limbaugh
notices Chief Justice Rehnquist gesturing from the back of
the limo. He runs over and sticks his head in the window.
Rush
Limbaugh: What is it, sir?
Chief
Justice Rehnquist: This stinks. That guy can't be trusted.
Rush
Limbaugh: He's been very reliable in the past, sir. Ken
Starr raved about him.
Chief
Justice Rehnquist: I don't care! I don't like the guy,
I tole ya!
Rush
Limbaugh: (sighs) All right, sir. Limbaugh reaches
in the glove compartment and takes out a legal size envelope.
He approaches Will and Jones and hands Jones the envelope.
Rush
Limbaugh: I'm afraid it's off, Bob. He doesn't trust you.
Bob Jones
Jr.: What did I do?
George
Will: It doesn't matter. He doesn't have confidence in
your work.
Bob Jones
Jr.: What's this? (opens the envelope. Begins to tremble)
The IRS is auditing my charitable contributions? Oh my God,
why don't you just shoot me now?
George
Will: We would have preferred that, Bob, but it's not
how the United States Government works.
They
get back in the car and drive away, leaving Jones on his knees,
weeping.
Chief
Justice Rehnquist: Get a Catholic. Nobody'll suspect a
Catholic.
Rush
Limbaugh: Golly, Chief, I don't think I know any. Well,
Pat Buchanan.
George
Will: What about... no, he'd never do it.
Chief
Justice Rehnquist: Who?
George
Will: Justice Thomas.
All ponder
for a moment.
Limbaugh:
Maybe we could blame it on Ralph Nader...
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