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The
Supremos - Episode 4
March 28,
2001
by The Shifties
 Tell
a friend about The Supremos
OPENING
SCENE: In the psychiatrist's office.
Dr. Phlemmi:
I was under the impression you had decided to withdraw from
therapy.
Justice
Supremo: Nah, I was just under stress. I overreacted.
Now that I started, I should see things through.
Dr. Phlemmi:
I'm glad to hear that. I will have to charge you for the missed
session, however.
Justice
Supremo: Whaddya talkin' about?
Dr. Phlemmi:
I think we should honor our agreement.
Justice
Supremo: I didn't sign no agreement.
Dr. Phlemmi:
I informed you of my office policy...
Justice
Supremo: Hey, my policy is, I don't pay for nothin' I
didn't use.
Dr. Phlemmi:
You don't understand…
Justice
Supremo: You don't understand. We have no written contract,
therefore, I have no obligation. Paying you for that session
would undermine my strict Originalist philosophy of the law.
(shrugs) So you see, I can't pay you.
Dr. Phlemmi:
How convenient for you. I suppose you support the tax cut,
too.
Justice
Supremo: Of course, but not because I'll get three hundred
thousand bucks back from the IRS.
Dr. Phlemmi:
I wonder how much progress we're making here.
SCENE:
Early the following Sunday. A Dunkin Donuts shop in Arlington,
Virginia. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas waits impatiently
behind a long line of customers.
Justice
Thomas: (to himself) Why do I always have to buy
the donuts for our Opus Dei meetings? (calls out to the
counter clerk) Say, buddy, can we move this line along
a little faster?
Clerk:
Don't get your panties in a wad, sweetie. There's others ahead
of you.
Justice
Thomas: How impertinent! Don't you see these robes I'm
wearing?
Clerk:
You mean that unflattering black muumuu?
Justice
Thomas: These are the robes of a Supreme Court Justice!
Clerk:
I thought you stole them from RuPaul!
Justice
Thomas: You will not, I repeat, you will not disrespect
the uniform of the High Court!
Justice
Thomas reaches beneath his robes and draws forth a large object.
Customer:
Look out! He's got a really big law book!
The other
customers scatter. Justice Thomas hurdles the counter in a
single bound, then hurls the massive book to the floor. The
clerk falls, screaming, and holding his foot.
Clerk:
My toe, my toe! You asshole, you broke my toe!
Justice
Thomas: I'll just help myself to these donuts now, young
man.
SCENE:
In chambers. Nino is complaining to Justice Ginsburg.
Justice
Supremo: We should review this Indiana thing.
Justice
Ginsburg: The one where the school board required teachers
to read a disclaimer before they taught evolution?
Justice
Supremo: It's a good idea.
Justice
Ginsburg: On what grounds?
Justice
Supremo: You shouldn't teach kids they come from the apes,
they already act enough like apes as it is. Now Genesis, that's
a nice story. It's got fruit and trees and herpetology. Plus
there's nudity to keep the little buggers interested.
Justice
Ginsburg: It's a myth, Nino.
Justice
Supremo: So what? It don't hurt nobody. Like the Easter
Bunny, or any kid can grow up to be President, or their Daddy
went into the waste management business because he has a passion
for clean cities.
Suddenly
Justice O'Connor rushes in. She looks panicked.
Justice
O'Connor: Someone attacked a clerk in Dunkin Donuts in
broad daylight!
Justice
Supremo: Probably some high school biology student.
Justice
O'Connor: The assailant carried a bound copy of Collected
Opinions of the United States Supreme Court, 1979-1996!
Justice
Supremo: (leaping to his feet) Oh, my God...
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