The Supremos: Episode 24, by The Shifties

The Supremos - Episode 24
August 22, 2001
by The Shifties

OPENING SCENE: The ABC Nightly News...

Peter Jennings: And following up on a story from last week, the General Accounting Office hinted that it may bring civil suit against the Vice President if he refuses to turn over the names of persons involved in the preparation of the President's strategic plan for meeting the nation's energy needs…

SCENE: In the Chambers of Justice Supremo. The Justice and the Vice President have been watching the news. Supremo switches off the television.

Justice Supremo: I don't get it. Why not give 'em the list?

VP Cheney: I can't.

Justice Supremo: You only talked to other Republicans? Hey, nobody swallowed that bipartisan crap anyway.

VP Cheney: That's not it.

Justice Supremo: It ain't, huh? (rubbing his chin) I know, you don't want 'em to find out you got advice from oil and gas lobbyists. No sweat. Just say you were paying attention to campaign contributors.

VP Cheney: That's not it either.

Justice Supremo: (concerned) Worse?

VP Cheney: Worse.

Justice Supremo: What?

VP Cheney: We didn't... I didn't talk to anybody.

Justice Supremo: Then where did the President's energy strategy come from?

VP Cheney: I wrote it on the train. On cocktail napkins, to be precise.

Justice Supremo: By your lonesome?

VP Cheney: (defensively) I happen to know a lot about energy.

Justice Supremo: You also owned about ten million dollars worth of petroleum stock, ya fuggin' moron.

VP Cheney: I was stressed out, OK? You try doing the two most important jobs in the world by yourself.

Justice Supremo: (sarcastically) Like I don't already. You know somethin'? You're worse than Clarence.

VP Cheney: What are we going to do, Nino?

Justice Supremo: (sighs) I'm gonna send over a couple guys to help.

SCENE: A Congressional committee hearing on Energy.

Sen. Biden: You, sir, claim to have assisted in the development of the President's Energy Plan?

Witness: (whispers to his attorney before answering) I did.

Sen. Biden: And your name?

Witness: (whispers to his attorney) John Smith.

Sen. Biden: John Smith? No middle initial?

Witness: (whispers to his attorney) Q.

Sen. Biden: (skeptically) John Q. Smith.

Witness: That's my name. Don't wear it out.

Sen. Kennedy: A question to the witness, if I may, Senator.

Sen. Biden: Go right ahead, Senator. Maybe you'll have better luck than I did.

Sen. Kennedy: If your name is really John Q Smith, why did you introduce yourself in the hall before the hearing as "Fat Vito"?

Witness: (whispers to his attorney) It's a nickname.

Sen. Kennedy: And just what do you do for a living, Mr. Smith?

Witness: (whispers to his attorney) Consultant.

Sen. Kennedy: What do you consult about?

Witness: You know.

Sen. Kennedy: No I don't.

Witness: Yes you do.

Sen. Kennedy: I assure you I do not.

Witness: I don't believe you.

Sen. Lieberman: If I may, Senator. (to witness) What was your supposed role in the creation of the Bush energy strategy?

Witness: (whispers to attorney) I decline to answer on the grounds that it could incinerate me.

Laughter in the audience.

Sen. Biden: (smiling) For the record, I believe the witness meant "incriminate".

Witness: No I didn't.