The Supremos: Episode 22, by The Shifties

The Supremos - Episode 22
August 8, 2001
by The Shifties

OPENING SCENE: A few days ago, in the Chambers of Justice Supremo. At the request of Dick Cheney, Nino is helping Health Secretary Tommy Thompson prepare for a TV interview with Sam Donaldson, which took place Sunday, August 5.

Justice Supremo: Let's go over the questions.

Secretary Thompson: Sam Donaldson gave you the questions in advance?

Justice Supremo: Gave? Yeah, I guess you could say he 'gave' them to us. (looks at paper) The first is about the Norwood compromise on patient rights. He'll quote Ted Kennedy saying this isn't a real bill. That the Senate won't pass it until they get a real bill. How do you respond?

Secretary Thompson: (thinks) I say, "it's not a real bill? Does it not have pages? Is it not properly typed?"

Justice Supremo: Then Donaldson will say, Secretary Thompson, the House bill strictly limits the patient's ability to sue in State court by requiring him to first undergo a lengthy arbitration process with a review board that is bound to favor the insurance company. What do you say to that?

Secretary Thompson: Sure, so what?

Justice Supremo: Huh?

Secretary Thompson: So what?

Justice Supremo: You're making it sound as if the system is inherently unfair to the patient.

Secretary Thompson: Of course. That's the whole point, right? If the HMOs can't screw the patient, they can't make any money.

Justice Supremo: Yeah, but you can't say that.

Secretary Thompson: So what can I say?

Justice Supremo: You can say (clears his throat) "the President is of course very concerned, Sam, that the patient get the protection he needs, and that's precisely why the Legislature must join together to pass this bill. So the patients of America will get the protection they need."

Secretary Thompson: That doesn't answer the question.

Justice Supremo: No, it doesn't, does it? (glares hard at Thompson)

Secretary Thompson: I follow.

Justice Supremo: The Democratic bill required the patient to prove that HMO negligence was "a" cause for injury. We want the patient to have to prove that negligence was "the" cause for injury.

Secretary Thompson: That's nuts. What if the patient had diabetes? The HMO could just blame everything on the diabetes and avoid responsibility for its own screw-ups. How is the patient supposed to get redress?

Justice Supremo: (sighs) Tommy, you cannot go on national TV and tell everybody the Republican party is full of shit.

Secretary Thompson: Tell me what I should say.

Justice Supremo: Say that (clears throat again) "the President is very concerned, because litigation ties up the courts, and who wants to live in a society run by trial lawyers? Certainly not the President. The President doesn't want to stuff more money in the lawyers' pockets. The President is against ambulance chasers."

Secretary Thompson: That qualifies as an answer?

Justice Supremo: On TV it does. Last question is about stem cell research.

Secretary Thompson: Who could be against that?

Justice Supremo: A significant percentage of the President's supporters, that's who. Sam's going to read a statement you made in favor of stem cell research. But now you're in the Cabinet, and the President hasn't made up his mind. Suppose he decides against it?

Secretary Thompson: I can't disagree with the President?

Justice Supremo: Sure, from the podium in your new classroom in the animal husbandry program at UW- River Falls.

Secretary Thompson: Oh. (thinks) I know. I'll say I was just confused.

Justice Supremo: Good answer. Everybody will believe that.