The Supremos - Episode 16
June 20, 2001
by The Shifties

OPENING SCENE: The Vice President's mansion. A Sunday morning meeting. In attendance are the Vice President, Chief Justice Rehnquist, Justice Thomas, and Justice Supremo.

Cheney: Next item of business. The Strom Thurmond situation.

Thomas: I saw him a few months ago. He looks really, really bad.

Cheney: As well he should, Clarence.

Thomas: Is he really a hundred years old?

Rehnquist: He's ninety-eight.

Cheney: Officially.

Thomas: Officially? What's that mean?

Nobody answers. Finally Supremo takes pity on Thomas.

Supremo: Unofficially, Clarence, he's dead.

Thomas: (aghast) What?

Rehnquist: You heard the man.

Supremo: See, it happened back in '99, around the time Clinton got past Ken Starr. Old Strom's heart just couldn't take it.

Thomas: He had a heart attack?

Supremo: I think the correct term was apoplectic seizure.

Thomas: But... but... he attends the Senate.

Supremo: Somebody attends the Senate, Clarence. Mostly drama students from Bob Jones U. A Hollywood guy does the makeup - working off some income tax debt, they tell me.

Thomas: I can't believe this.

Rehnquist: Believe it, kid.

Cheney: Why don't you tell him about Helms?

Thomas: You can't mean...

Supremo nods.

Supremo: Animatronics. Like at Disney World.

Thomas: The Clinton scandal got him too?

Supremo: (shaking head) Nah, Helms died back in '89. It was him got the whole trend started.

Rehnquist: It's the backbone of the Republican majority, Clarence.

Thomas: What is?

Rehnquist: Dead legislators.

Thomas: I don't know what to say.

Cheney: I was surprised the Democrats didn't cover up Carnahan's death.

Supremo: Didn't need to. Stalin coulda beat Ashcroft.

Thomas: Just tell me one thing. Does the President know about this?

Uncomfortable silence.

Thomas: Well?

Cheney: You break the news to him, Nino.

To be continued...

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