The Supremos - Episode 14
June 6, 2001
by The Shifties

OPENING SCENE: Around midnight in the chambers of Chief Justice Rehnquist. The door opens; it's Justice Clarence Thomas.

Justice Thomas: They got him,

Chief Justice Rehnquist: Bring'em in. Make sure they wipe their feet.

Justice Thomas disappears through the doorway. A few minutes later he returns accompanied by two men clad in black ninja costume, carrying a rolled-up Persian carpet.

Justice Thomas: Drop it there, boys.

The ninjas unceremoniously dump the rug to the floor and unroll it. Inside is Senator Trent Lott of Mississippi, wearing blue pyjamas. The ninjas remove their headgear. It's Rush Limbaugh and columnist George Will.

Rush Limbaugh: We almost didn't recognize him without his hair.

Rehnquist: You the only two guys in Washington don't know Trent Lott wears a rug.

Senator Lott sits up, obviously shaken.

Senator Trent Lott: What am I doing here?

Rehnquist: It's Judgment Day, and I ain't Saint Peter.

Trent Lott: (turning white) This is about Jeffords, isn't it? He's always been a pain in the ass, but nobody thought he'd… now the Senate is completely screwed up.

Rehnquist: Who gives a shit about the Senate? You fugged up the Court appointments. (turns to George Will) Where's the bat?

George Will: Here, Chief. A 34 oz. commemorative signed by the 1988 Toledo Mud Hens.

Rehnquist: Just make sure the lumps and bruises fit under the toupee. (departs, mumbling to himself) Now we'll never get rid of the Bill of Rights.

SCENE: In the chambers of Justice Supremo. He is being interviewed by a college student for a journalism project.

Student: You have consistently voted against First Amendment rights in cases before the Court.

Nino Supremo: Not true.

Student: No? I have eighteen separate cases in which you failed to uphold free speech.

Nino Supremo: I voted against free speech because contrary to popular opinion, free speech is the single greatest threat to the First Amendment. Student: What?

Nino Supremo: Consider this, my young friend. If people are allowed to abuse the First Amendment by speaking their minds willy-nilly, or saying things that are bad for business - wait a minute, I mean bad for the nation's welfare, make sure you change that - then the public will begin to view the First Amendment as just another excuse for libertinism, immorality, and irresponsibility.

Student: They will?

Nino Supremo: Take my word for it. And that, my young friend, could spark an irresistible nationwide groundswell for repeal of the Amendment. (pauses) You see where I'm goin' with this, doncha?

Student: I'm not certain.

Nino Supremo: My sworn duty, as a Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States of America, is to protect the Constitution. It is my considered opinion - and don't think I just come up with it over the spit sink this mornin' - that the best way to protect the First Amendment is to suppress the right to free speech.

Student: I don't know what to think.

Nino Supremo: They don't teach you this stuff at that liberal college of yours, huh?

Student: They don't. Uh... you don't happen to have any ibuprofen, do you?

Nino Supremo: Right here, kid. You'd be surprised how many visitors ask for it.

SCENE: Early hours of the morning. An isolated farm near Front Royal, Virginia. Two burly men suspend a third by his ankles over a frothing hot tub. Every few moments they dunk him, headfirst, into the water. The victim is White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card

Andrew Card: Please, no more! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!

Rush Limbaugh: We don't want information. We just want to see your head shrivel up and turn black like a raisin.

Andrew Card: Noooooooooo! They dunk him again.

To be continued...

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