The Supremos - Episode 12
May 23, 2001
by The Shifties

OPENING SCENE: at the big Republican meeting at Bohemian Grove. A breakout session on the space missile defense system

Secretary Donald Rumsfeld: ...and when it's finished, our nation will be protected by this invisible shield.

Woman in Audience: Is it plastic?

Secretary Rumsfeld: What?

Woman: The invisible shield.

Secretary Rumsfeld: Of course not.

Man in Audience: Bulletproof glass?

Secretary Rumsfeld: (irritably) It's not made of anything. It's a metaphor. I don't mean it's a real shield, for God's sake.

Woman: If it isn't real, why do we have to pay hundreds of billions of dollars for it?

Man: Wouldn't it be cheaper just to make it out of plexiglass?

Secretary Rumsfeld: Plexiglass won't stop a missile, dammit!

Woman: This does?

Secretary Rumsfeld: (shouting) Yes, usually.

Vice President Dick Cheney steps to the microphone.

VP Cheney: Excuse me, Don. Folks, the Administration promises to tell you ahead of time which defense contractors will get the money so you can buy up stock.

Enthusiastic applause.

SCENE: Breakout session on the Drug War

Newly Appointed Drug Czar Walters: Our new approach combines treatment with enforcement. We drop social workers into the ghetto from helicopter gunships.

Audience member: Don't you still have to pay for parachutes?

Drug czar: Not if you fly low enough.

SCENE: Breakout session on Youth and Education

Secretary Paige: Our goal is to completely privatize education by 2008, with 3 million new slots in voucher-funded religious schools.

Audience member: What happens to students who are left in public school?

Secretary Paige: We hold them accountable with daily 3-hour standardized tests.

Audience member: If all the bright students are gone, won't the scores be awful?

Secretary Paige: Oh, we won't actually grade the tests. Costs too much. We'll just throw them out and tell the students they scored low and need to work harder.

Audience member: What if they refuse?

Secretary Paige: Refusal to take tests is punishable by expulsion.

Audience member: And after they're expelled?

Secretary Paige: I think this is a good time to introduce Attorney General Ashcroft, who will discuss his plans for the juvenile justice system.

Attorney General Ashcroft: Thank you, Rod. In preface, let me say this new plan represents the hard work and dedication of hundreds of conservative policy analysts meeting in secret Internet chat rooms during the dark years of the Clinton administration. (dramatic pause) In a nutshell, we're going to do away with juvenile courts, try everyone as an adult, and build six hundred new prisons to hold them. (no response)

Attorney General Ashcroft: All right, we'll tell you where the prisons will be built so you can buy up the land and sell it back to us at a huge profit.

Enthusiastic applause.

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