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In
Your Right Mind, with Dr. Peter Short, PhD
June 19,
2001
Transcribed
by Nelson Addison
Dear Readers,
When I started writing this column three weeks ago, I sat
for a few minutes and quietly contemplated the enormous responsibility
I was taking upon myself. It occurred to me that I was about
to bring together the sensitive science of psychology with
the brutal wrestlemania mentality of the media. It also occurred
to me that a professional in my extraordinary position should
have a set of strong principles to lead him down this precarious
path. So, I sat down and I wrote three sentences on the back
of a box-top from a carton of panty-liners. These are my principles:
I will only take cash. I will never wear heels. And, finally,
I will never offer advice unless it is asked for.
Well, I was forced to break the first two promises a couple
of days after my first article was published. As for the last
one, well, I never took that one seriously anyway. Besides,
I would be remiss in my responsibilities as a doctor and a
disinformation officer if I did not offer aid to a colleague
in distress.
I am, of course, writing of my fellow "doctor", pundit and
proud conservative Dr. Laura "I'm Very Naughty" Schlessinger.
It appears that Dr. Laura, to be fair, has made a human error
in judgment. It's called a mistake, folks, and we all make
them - each and every day.
For those of you not familiar with the details of the doctor's
latest incident, ABC News reported:
Obscenities
at a Wedding
On May 22,
Dr. Laura responded to a caller who asked about whether her
nephew with Tourette's Syndrome should be invited to a family
wedding.
"Well, I'm
going to come to your party and just scream F-YOU, F-YOU,
F-YOU every five seconds and see if you want to invite me
back," Dr. Laura responded.
"[The child's
mother] can punish the whole world because of this affliction
of her son. She can punish everybody who doesn't want to call
this normal. But it's not normal. And it's not nice."
First of all, I believe Dr. Schlessinger should be commended
for her amazing ability to censor herself. Any lesser talk-show
host might have actually used the "F" word, but not Dr. Laura
- she's got fucking class.
It would also be fair to point out that Tourette's Syndrome
is a neurobiological disorder not a psychological disorder.
Dr. Laura is not a psychologist, she's a physiologist, so
there's no way she could have known that TS isn't a psychological
disorder. However, being a physiologist, it is safe to say
that she knew TS had something to do with one of those "ologicals".
Okay, now I've completely confused myself. The point is that
it's not her fault the foul-mouthed kid is too embarrassing
to take out in public. That should be obvious.
Finally, let me say this: Psychology, like politics, ain't
beanbag. It's hardball. Often, a person seeking advice has
already made up their mind on what they want to hear. It is
up to courageous physicians, like Dr. Laura and myself, to
tell people exactly what we think of them and their evil ways.
It's not easy to tell someone that they, or someone they care
about, are not normal. They may not want hear it. Like bad-tasting
medicine, good advice must be crammed down a person's throat
-- driven past the palette with sledgehammer force. This,
we must do, if we are to fulfill our Hypocritical Oath.
Now, I'd like to give Dr. Laura some advice. But the only
advice I have to offer my esteemed colleague is: Be yourself,
baby.
Yours In Good Mental Health,
Dr. Peter Short, PhD
Please
Note: Nelson Addison, the author of this column, is not a
psychologist, he is a stand-up comedian and, as such, he will
fuck with who ever he wants.
View
Doctor Short's Previous Cases
If you are an affluent conservative politician with a deeply
embarrasing personal problem, please e-mail Dr. Short at mail@democraticunderground.com.
Thank you.
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