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In
Your Right Mind, with Dr. Peter Short, PhD
June 12,
2001
Transcribed
by Nelson Addison
Well, here I am, settling into my new office deep in the
sub-basement of DemocraticUnderground. My accommodations are
exactly what I expected, being the newest addition to the
in the line up of usual suspects. My desk is made of two saw
horses and a screen door, my chair is a four-inch-in-diameter
sewage pipe jutting up from the dirt floor. But what really
burns my ass is that someone took the "p" off my keyboard
and replaced it with a stale cheez doodle. Gee, I wonder who
would do such a thing? Can't take a little dissention, eh
- Pinko?
Of course, I can't complain too much considering where they
put poor old Phil Gramm. Every afternoon I take the cap off
my chair and toss him down a ham sandwich and a bottle of
Chocolate Yoohoo. Which brings me to this weeks letter...
Dear Dr.
Short,
I am a press
secretary to the president of the most powerful country in
the world - with a bald head. You may remember me from a letter
I wrote you several months ago. In that letter, I asked you
what would be the most effective way to bolster my boss' image
while defiling the memory of our predecessors. You recommended
that I read the book, The Healthy Lie: Credibility Through
Deception by Dr. Adlai Nielson, MD. I did so and, per
Dr. Nielsen's instructions, I created a "truth". Then, using
"perception contortion code 43" of the "reality alteration
index", I masked the "truth" behind a "percieved honor and
dignity". I really thought I had this stuff down pat.
Unfortunately,
an ally in the Senate who was not privy to the "truth" called
for an investigation.
I realize
the good Senator was only trying to help, but he really messed
up all of my perception control tables. When the investigators
arrived, I tried to show them the "truth" by explaining my
tables to them. Big mistake! These people turned out to be
slaves to the physical universe. In a last ditch effort at
damage control, I went outside Dr. Nielsen's formula and tried
manifesting two pieces of physical evidence. This, too, backfired
- reducing my vision shield to .005 millimeters. My god, that's
thinner than tissue paper.
I fear that
all is lost. At some point the people will cry out for the
"truth truth". And the "truth truth" is: I have no idea what
the "truth truth" is.
Please advise,
Ari
I swear Ari, if I was in a room with you right now, I would
beat you about the head and neck with today's issue of the
Washington Post. You must have skimmed Chapter 2: Safety First.
This is a common mistake among first time Adlers.
Number one, you should never show your perception control
tables to another person. If any of the investigators had
managed to grasp even a fraction of your reality alterations,
everyone within a fifteen mile radius would have been at risk
of life-threatening mass psychosis. This was a mistake made
by Reverend Jim Jones when he revealed part of his calculations
to one of his wives. Remember Jonestown, Guyanna, 1978? Yes!
Number two, creating physical evidence outside of the Neilsen
formula is dangerous because it always reduces your vision
shield. Your lucky, if your shield was any thinner, you could
have been sucked into a parallel dimension where everything
actually makes sense.
Fortunately, you're wrong about one thing: All is not lost.
Prepare to smack yourself in the forehead and say, "Duh."
All you have to do is create a secondary "truth" and overlay
the primary vision shield with the secondary one. Now, because
I can't look at your tables (for obvious reasons) I can only
give you an example:
PRESS
STATEMENT
Ladies and
gentlemen of the press: As you know, the previous administration
has, once again, called for an apology in regard to the trashing
of the White House. And once more, I will respond by saying:
No apology is merited. Now, I know there has been specalation
about the existance of evidence. Let me assure you, we have
lots of evidence - tons upon tons of evidence. In fact, we
have so much evidence, by mid-March we had to load it all
into 37 Mack trucks and transport it to a secret location,
where it was loaded onto the Aircraft Carrier Carl Vinson
for safe keeping. Unfortunately, right now the Carl Vinson
is on assignment off the coast of Taiwan. If the previous
administration persists at this, we'll simply have to wait
for the ship's return. Then you guys will be in trouble -
Big Time.
I think you get the idea. Good luck, Ari. And for God's sake,
reread Chapter 2.
Yours in Good Mental Health,
Dr. Peter Short, Ph.D.
View
Doctor Short's Previous Cases
If you are an affluent conservative politician with a deeply
embarrasing personal problem, please e-mail Dr. Short at mail@democraticunderground.com.
Thank you.
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