Your Right Mind
by Dr. Peter Short, PhD.
Let me begin by introducing myself to my new friends at DemocraticUnderground.com.
My name is Dr. Peter Short, PhD. I am a clinical psychologist,
specializing in the treatment of affluent, conservative politicians.
All too often in our the society, we tend to cater to the
needs of the common man, ignoring the needs of those who have
sold their souls for power and position. It is, after all,
these men and women who face the most overwhelming of ethical
and emotional decisions.
Furthermore, these poor individuals are denied access to
quality mental health care due to the social stigma over mental
illness. My goal is to provide anonymous help to those in
need. Having said that, let's to take a look at our first
I am a fifty-four-year-old
president of the most powerful country in the world. I know
that someone in my position should not be bothered with simple
relationship problems, and yet, here I am, writing to you
for help. I have this friend in the Senate, well, he used
to be my friend, but he is not my friend no more. He is angry
at me and I don't know why. I think it has something to do
with a party I threw a month and a half ago, one that I forgot
to invite him to. I don't know why he is so upset. It was
a dull party anyway, and I'm sure he wouldn't have enjoyed
himself. It wasn't my fault, it was a big misunderstanding,
kinda like the ones they used to have on Three's Company.
Now my friend
is cavorting with the wrong type of people. They don't like
me, and I don't like them. I have tried everything I know
to try to win my friend back; I've tried manipulation, intimidation,
threats, smears -- nothing seems to work. It's not fair! I
want my friend back! I want my Senator back! I want my Senate
back! Please help me.
in the White House,
Well George, you appear to be suffering from a condition
known as "Senatorial Separation Anxiety." In my
book, Why Senators Leave, I give two possibilities
for the estrangement of political allies. The first would
be that your friend has undergone personal changes. Yes, people
change. They grow, learn, and think for themselves. There
is nothing we can do when someone else decides to go their
own direction. The second possible reason for your friend's
defection could be that you, or his perception of you, has
changed. Perhaps you are not the man he thought you were when
you met. Maybe it has turned out that you are an asshole and
he would rather not be associated with you or your misguided
Judging from your letter, I can see that you have done everything
that a good conservative would do to maintain a working relationship
with your wayward friend. While such tactics as personal attacks
and intimidation are effective tools in the preservation of
relationships, they fall on deaf ears if they are perceived
to be thinly veiled.
At any rate, I believe that this is a closed chapter in
your life. It is time to move on, get over it, get on with
your life. Bear in mind, you have many, many other friends
in the Senate depending upon your guidance. I suggest that
you focus your energies on straightening these alliances.
You might do well by letting the friends you do have know
how much you care about their ideological health. You must
let them know how much loyalty means to you and how prepared
you are to cut their political balls off in order to keep
them from losing their way. You must unwaveringly remind them
that you are the president and that they would do well to
heed your every command, lest they be led astray.
Yours in Good Mental Health,
Dr. Peter Short, Ph.D.
Doctor Short's Previous Cases
If you are an affluent conservative politician with a deeply
embarrasing personal problem, please e-mail Dr. Short at firstname.lastname@example.org.