Movie Reviews by Sen. Phil Gramm (R-Texas)
May 11, 2001

You wouldn't believe the week I've had. First Mrs. Phil came down with the sniffles leaving I, Phil Gramm, to have to fend for myself in the kitchen. Then on Wednesday morning the fender fell off my Oldsmobile just as I was pulling up next to a hot blonde at a stop light. Dadblast it. But as if that wasn't enough, somebody's been badmouthing me behind my back! Yes, It's been brought to my attention that Mr. Sore Loserman himself, Al Gore, has apparently also been writing movie reviews, but guess what? He claims to have been doing it a whole month longer than I have! Heh, so you invented movie reviews as well as the Internet, eh Al? Boo hoo!

Yes, in a whine-fest of pant-pissing proportions not seen since we kicked his ass in Election 2000, ex-Vice President Wetleg has even accused me of stealing. Now where have I heard that before? Hey Al, I've got news for you - it's time to quit yer crying! You lost! Get over it! Oh, and by the way, I went to your website to check your reviews but it was so badly designed that I couldn't find them. Still, now that you're out of the public eye you probably don't get many visitors, so I guess it doesn't really matter. Okay, let's get on with it!

A Knight's Tale
Starring Heath Ledger, Rufus Sewell and Mark Addy
Hey nonny nonny, my lord! In days of old when knights were bold etc. As well as being a charming love story, A Knight's Tale is also an interesting history lesson for us all. Before I watched it, all I knew about it the middle ages was how to get 'medieval' on my wife, if you know what I mean. Oh yes, and I knew that jousting used to be Maryland's state sport. Freaks. But now I am fully enlightened.

For example, did you know that despite what you may have previously assumed, folks back then actually had shampoo, conditioner, and toothpaste? Hell, that's more than we got in Texas! Or did you know that gay British rockers "Queen" actually stole the beat to "We Will Rock You" from an olden-days jousting crowd chant? Yes indeed.

A Knight's Tale is the story of a young man and his sad, meaningless existence. The daily grind sucks away at his soul, and the only pleasure he has in life is masturbation. Then one day he discovers something wonderful that makes life worth living: He creates a butt-ugly website devoted to badly-written conservative "humor" and shamelessly hypes it on Free Republic, thus opening up the possibility that someone might notice him for long enough to tell him how clever and/or funny he is.

No wait, that's something else...

A Knight's Tale is the story of a pretty-boy supermodel squire who for some reason wants to get his hands dirty as a knight, when he could be just living it up with the money he makes from selling his ass to French noblemen. Anyway, boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy knocks heads off men twice his size, the end. Despite the number of English people who are seriously injured throughout the course of this movie, I couldn't really get excited about it, and there weren't really enough foxy olde-worlde lasses wearing those monster-cleavage dresses either. On a regular day, I'd give this movie three flags, but because I'm so lazy today it's just getting one. Yawn.
One Flag out of Five

Bread and Roses
Starring Pilar Padilla and Adrien Brody
This movie is about Mexicans.
No Flags out of Five

Calle 54
Starring Chucho Valdes, Gato Barbieri and Jerry Gonzalez
This movie is also about Mexicans. Why me, Lord? Why me?
No Flags out of Five

New On Video

What Women Want
I'll tell you what women want - a nice warm stove and a good hard spanking.

Best In Show
This movie reminded me of Karen Hughes. Woof!

Tora! Tora! Tora! (Re-release)
You lost! Get over it!

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