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 Movie
Reviews by Sen. Phil Gramm (R-Texas)
April 27, 2001
Lots to get excited about this week, with the return of Sylvester Stallone,
and some kinky vampire shenanigans. Disgraceful. But never let it be said
that Phil Gramm automatically turns his nose up at vampires. No sir. Wouldn't
be a good idea. But I did take a generous helping of garlic along to the
movie with me. Just to be on the safe side, of course. So let's get on
with it!
Driven
Starring Sylvester Stallone and Burt Reynolds
Gentlemen, start your engines! VROOM! VROOM! SCREEEEECH!
And... CRASH! What with this being the first major action blockbuster
of the year, and what with it starring one of my favorite action superstars,
Sylvester Stallone, and taking into account that it was her birthday and
all, I decided to let Mrs. Phil come with me to see Driven at our
local movie theater. Zooming past the concession stand (have you seen
the price of popcorn these days?) we headed for our seats. Now Mrs. Phil
isn't the world's biggest Sly fan (even though I've made her watch Over
The Top at least a dozen times) but I just told her to shut up and
enjoy herself. After all, I wasn't going to let her ruin her birthday
for both of us.
So despite her whining, I still managed to enjoy the movie. Now, as you
may or may not know, I'm a huge NASCAR fan, so I did find the rather quaint
open-wheel race cars to be a little... girly. But boy, those things sure
do come apart when they hit a wall at 240mph! And you'll be seeing plenty
of that. In fact, the crashes were so realistic that Mrs. Phil actually
started to cry at one point, but I just wiped away her tears, gave her
a valium, and told her to shut the hell up.
Sylvester Stallone pulls off one of the better performances of his stellar
career in Driven, and I had no trouble believing that he was a
suave and sophisticated race car driver. Even Burt Reynolds makes an appearance,
and you know what they say - "If you've got a movie with some cars
and Burt Reynolds, then heck, that's going to be a pretty good movie,"
or something like that. But seriously, I haven't had this much fun at
a movie starring Burt Reynolds and some cars since Cannonball Run II.
I think that Driven might have gone to my head actually, because
on the way home Mrs. Phil started clinging to the dashboard and screaming.
I couldn't have been doing more than 85mph but the cop who pulled me over
said that you can't do that when you're going past a school. Still, being
a U.S. Senator has its advantages - he let us go. And the incident sure
did shut Mrs. Phil up, so that was even better. In fact, when we got home,
she cooked me a huge dinner, God bless her. Happy birthday, Mrs. Phil!
 Four
Flags out of Five
The
Forsaken
Starring Kerr Smith, Brendan Fehr and Johnathon
Schaech
I've never been a big fan of vampires. Creepy things, they
are, with their pointy teeth, and their drinking the blood of virgins,
and their general all-around... European-ness. Ugh. And there's
an additional twist to The Forsaken which makes this movie even
worse - it's not just vampires, it's teenage vampires. Phil Gramm
didn't fight in two world wars just to have to sit around watching teenage
vampires, no sir.
Not only could I not understand most of the dialog, there was far too
much wanton violence in this movie. Decapitations, bloodsucking, whacking
of faces with shovels, goodness me. Hardly suitable family entertainment,
I'm sure you'll agree.
Now, in my experience, this kind of movie used to be filled with sporadic
flashes of female flesh. But this is the new millennium, and all you get
to see is the occasional belly button. And of course, that's a good thing.
In fact, I went to see this movie twice, just to make doubly sure that
I didn't catch a glimpse of female nipple.
So to sum up - teenagers, Europeans, belly buttons, vampires, virgins,
violence. Excuse me, I have to go take a cold shower.
One
Flag out of Five
One
Night At McCool's
Starring Liv Tyler, Matt Dillon, Michael Douglas,
John Goodman and Paul Reiser
I had one big problem with this movie. Now obviously, it
goes without saying that Liv Tyler is one foxy chick (although I wouldn't
let Mrs. Phil hear me say that). And in One Night At McCool's she
seduces men. Yes, that's right. Seduces. But here's the problem. Whenever
Liv started, er... strutting her stuff, well, you know how she has a famous
dad? Well imagine Steven Tyler making out with Paul Reiser. That's all
I could picture.
But it was worse than that. On my way home I was plagued with visions
of foxy Liv Tyler performing all kinds of lewd acts (which is disgraceful
enough) except she kept morphing into her dad. By the time I got home
I was so discombobulated that Mrs. Phil thought I was having conniptions.
But I just told her to shut up and went to bed.
Oddly enough I have a similar problem with Janet Jackson. But anyway,
the movie isn't bad, if you can get past the pseudo-oedipal side effects.
Love in an elevator, dum de dum...
Two
Flags out of Five
New On Video
Finding Forrester
Young African American meets James Bond. Och aye.
Spartacus (Re-release)
I'm Spartacus! No, I'm Spartacus! What the hell? I'm totally
confused.
Rocky (Re-release)
Ah, Sly. Not bad, but not as good as Rocky IV, when you kicked
commie butt! Get over it commies! You lost! Adrian!
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