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Movie
Reviews by Sen. Phil Gramm (R-Texas)
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I'll be honest with you folks, this week's movies are a bunch of crap.
Apart from Joe Dirt. But unfortunately I couldn't even be bothered to
write a decent review of that because it's late and I'm tired. But that's
enough of old Phil's whining. You don't come here to listen to me moan
and complain do you? No! You come here for good, accurate movie reviews
from the web's number one pundit. And that's me. Phil Gramm. So let's
get on with the movies!
Josie
And The Pussycats
Starring Rachael Leigh Cook, Tara Reid and Rosario
Dawson
An odd movie, this. I was expecting a boring documentary
about a Mexican cat farm, but José and his feline companions were
nowhere to be found. Instead I was presented with three lovely ladies
who were very pleasant to look at, but unfortunately just WOULD NOT SHUT
UP. I've always said there's a time and a place for beautiful women -
the time is around dinner time when I get home from work, and the place
is, of course, in the kitchen.
But I digress. The so-called "plot" of this bizarre film involves
the three aforementioned lovely ladies who take on "The Man,"
which just happens to be a big record company. As a comedy I'm sure that
this is quite amusing, but as a social commentary it's quite unrealistic.
If the friendly corporations of America are ever brought to their knees
(metaphorically of course) by a bunch of leggy guitar-toting bimbos, then
I, Phil Gramm, will strip naked, anoint myself with John Ashcroft's Crisco,
and run through the halls of the Capitol Building shouting "I'm here,
I'm queer, get used to it!"
By the way, I'm currently considering legislation which would make it
illegal for women to go within ten feet of a guitar.
 One
Flag out of Five
Bridget
Jones' Diary
Starring Renee Zellwegger and Hugh Grant
And who, you are asking yourself, is Bridget Jones? Well
I'll tell you. She's an artsy-fartsy, hoity-toity, slimy-Limey airhead,
that's who. It seems that the only thoughts that run through her pretty
blonde head are to do with food, her boring friends, and of course, SEX.
That's right, sex. The scourge of modern society. And of course, she writes
down all of her tedious thoughts in her diary. Hence the title "Bridget
Jones' Diary." Get it? Perhaps if she didn't spend her day writing
down every meaningless thought that popped into her shag-crazed little
skull she'd have a much better life, plus I wouldn't have to sit through
the whole thing.
Hugh "She was just resting her head, officer" Grant co-stars
as a floppy-haired British pantywaist, a role which he is well accustomed
to. In fact, the whole movie reeks of Limeyism, which made it all the
more difficult to bear. The English lass who played Bridget Jones was
particularly annoying - let's hope she never makes a movie in the good
ole U.S. of A, shall we folks?
No
Flags out of Five
Joe
Dirt
Starring David Spade
Heh heh, this movie gave the old chucklebones some exercise!
Poor old Joe Dirt loses his parents at the Grand Canyon and spends the
movie looking for them. Bit of a waste of time if you ask me - he seems
to be doing alright on his own. You know, with his sleeveless classic-rock
T-shirts, acid wash jeans, and fabulous mullet (business up front, party
in back) Joe reminded me of a lot of my constituents. It's nice to see
a movie like that. Appeals to the hardworking people of America - and
Joe sure is one of 'em. With his minimum wage janitorial position, he's
a role model for Americans everywhere. Long live Joe!
Four
Flags Out Of Five
New On Video
Bounce
Boing! The tape bounced right out of my VCR and into
the trashcan after ten minutes of this crap.
Shanghai
Noon
A Chinaman teams up with an imbecile to make a great
movie. Could have been better with Steven Seagal though.
Ultimate
Fighting Championship XXII - Only One Can Be Champion
This is excellent! Reminds me of when we kicked Al Gore's
ass. The Miami Herald says it's official! Get over it, suckers!
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