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Movie
Reviews by Sen. Phil Gramm (R-Texas)
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a friend about Phil on Films
Hello folks, I'm back! What with being sick last week, and being on vacation
the week before, it's been a while since I've been able to impart the
wisdom of Phil to you all, regarding movies, that is. Of which I am of
course a renowned expert. While we're on the subject, I'd like to thank
my good friend Joe Barton for filling in two weeks ago, and trying his
absolute darndest not to make an ass of himself. Well done Joe! So what
treats does Senator Phil have for you this week? Let's get on with the
movies!
Along
Came A Spider
Starring Morgan Freeman and Monica Potter
If you enjoyed "Kiss The Girls" and managed to
get through it without pooping in your drawers like I did, then this the
movie for you. I was not too happy about having to review this creepy
psychological thriller, considering the aforementioned pooping and all,
but if there's one thing you can say about Phil Gramm, it's that he's
loyal to his reading public (that's you). So I took a deep breath, bit
the bullet, clenched my buttocks, and forked over the requisite eight
bucks for a ticket.
On a side note, you may recall that three weeks ago I was banned from
two of my local movie theaters. Well fortunately that unpleasantness is
behind us now. It's remarkable what you can do when you're a Senator of
the greatest nation on earth. Let's just say that those movie theater
managers are now quite happy with their new jobs as Chief Economist of
the Army Corps of Engineering, and Ambassador to Jamaica.
So I was expecting a creepy thrill ride and that's exactly what I got.
This movie twists and turns so much that I actually spilled my soda at
one point, all over my pants. But I was so intrigued to find out what
would happen at the end that I didn't hardly notice. Suffice to say that
it didn't matter anyway, because the climax of the movie was so goshdarn
tense that dammit, I'm afraid I pooped in my drawers again. But despite
having to pretend to carefully the study the credits as exiting moviegoers
gave me a wide berth, held their noses, and pointed at me, "Along
Came A Spider" was well worth it.
 Four-and-a-half
Flags out of Five
Blow
Starring Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz
"Let's fucking party, motherfuckers!" is just
one of the appalling lines from this atrocious glamorization of the awful
drug known to most people as COCAINE (but apparently also "Blow,"
hence the title of the movie). While some may find this movie "dangerous"
or "cool" or even "sexy," to me it was the best reason
I have yet encountered for the continuing War On Drugs. Never have I seen
such mounds of hedonism packed into a two hour stint, not even in Boogie
Nights - and I should know, because I saw Boogie Nights fourteen times.
So a call to arms, I say! The War On Drugs must never end! Hollywood,
you are responsible for feeding CRACK directly into our children's veins!
Shame on you!
The only good thing about this ridiculous tale is that you will learn
that crime DOES NOT pay, for at the very end the so-called hero gets sent
to prison for a VERY LONG TIME. And he's not even black.
One
Flag out of Five
Pokemon
3
Starring Rika Matsumoto and Ikue Otani
Is it just me, or has the world gone completely insane?
When I went to see the matinee of Pokemon 3 there seemed to be plenty
of children enjoying themselves, but I had my suspicions. Is this just
another passing fad, or the latest example of Hollywood's bizarre plan
to brainwash our kids and turn them against us? Personally I think it
is the latter. When I was a boy I had to entertain myself with a stick
and a lump of coal, but times have obviously changed. Now it's Nintendo
this and Playstation that, and frankly I think it's rotting the little
devils' brains.
To all the parents who are considering taking their children to see Pokemon
3 - you may think it's a harmless bit of fun now, but just you wait till
you wake up one night and find your darling kiddies have cracked open
the gun cabinet and gone off to capture Pikachu with your AK-47. Then
we'll see who's laughing.
Give me a good old fashioned game of "poke the coal" any day
of the week.
No
Flags Out Of Five
Just
Visiting
Starring Jean Reno, Christian Clavier and Christina
Applegate
I missed the start of Just Visiting, but I don't
think I missed anything important. The movie actually turned out to be
quite an educational insight into how our European friends really live.
It's a bit like Crocodile Dundee, only with French people instead
of Australians. They dress really strangely, their personal hygeine is
disgraceful, and they have no idea how to use conveniences that we Americans
take for granted, such as the automobile, or the indoor toilet. Hilarious,
and true!
Now, there is one interesting aspect of this movie which we could learn
a lot from, and that's their willingness to use servants. Some of the
best moments in Just Visiting are when the servant is getting beaten,
insulted or having food tossed to him as he grovels on the floor. Frankly,
I think that the Europeans are light years ahead of us with the whole
master and servant thing.
Unfortunately I had to miss the end of the movie too because Mrs. Phil
needed me to pick her up from the grocery store, but I think I got the
general gist of it. I would recommended Just Visiting as an educational
tool for anyone taking a trip to Europe in the near future.
Three
Flags Out Of Five
Tomcats
Starring Jerry O'Connell and Jake Busey
Well, I didn't get to review this movie last week because
I was sick. But damnit, I'm reviewing it now. Picture, if you will, a
movie so awesome, so inspiring, so breathtaking in its scope and vision,
that it eclipses almost all that has come before it. That movie, ladies
and gentlemen, is Tomcats. Picture Sex, Lies, and Videotape,
only without all the boring intellectual stuff. Picture Porky's
for the new millenium. Picture 2001: A Space Odyssey, except replace
the spaceship and murderous supercomputer with a bevy of beauties and
a truckload of laughs. Yes, my friends, Tomcats is the second finest
movie I have ever seen, after Left Behind of course. It's hard
for me to criticize such a work of art, but if only the director of Tomcats
had thrown in a biblical sub-plot - then it would have leaped atop Phil's
pile of all-time great movies. But the fact remains: it is still a masterpiece.
Oh yes.
Five
Flags Out Of Five
New On Video
The Legend of Bagger Vance
When Mrs. Phil told me about this movie, I thought it
was called "The Legend of Baggy Pants". That would probably
have made a better movie.
102
Dalmatians
Where did the extra one come from? I don't get it.
Nurse
Betty
Chris Rock scares me.
The
Natural
A movie about a baseball player who comes out of seemingly
nowhere to become a legend with almost divine talent. Sounds a bit like
our President to me. Whoop! We re-re-re-recounted and this just in - you
lost! Get over it!
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