Movie
Reviews by Sen. Phil Gramm (R-Texas)
PHIL GRAMM IS ON VACATION. THIS WEEK'S
GUEST REVIEWER IS REP. JOE BARTON (R-TEXAS)
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Howdy y'all! How y'all doin' terday? My name's Joe Barton, that's Repreesententive
Joe Barton ter y'all, jes' kiddin', y'all can call me Joe, an' I'ma gonna
be fillin' in fer my ol' friend Phil while he's off vacationeering. Heh,
I'ma gonna Phil in, geddit? Anyways, when Phil left he says this
to me he says "Hey Joe, how do you keep a dumbass in suspense?"
and goldarnit, I cain't hardly wait for him to get back so's I can find
out the answer. But that's enough about me, let's get on with the movies!
The
Brothers
Starring Morris Chestnut, D.L.Hughley, Bill Bellamy
and Shemar Moore
This movie had me about as confused as a goat on astro-turf.
It's called "The Brothers", see, but near as I could make out
not one of these fellas was related ter one another, although you cain't
always tell. I mean, they all looked the same, so I could be mistaken.
But not once did they go fishin', or shootin', or do any of the other
things that me and my brothers do when I'm back home in Waco an' not out
here in Warshinton DC. They seemed to be contented ter jest drive round
in their cars pickin' up ladies and makin' out with 'em. And that sure
ain't the way it's done in Waco, no sir, no way, no how. We likes ter
court the ladies with a little square dancin' first, none of this ee-lectric
boogaloo bullcrap. And if that ain't a fact, God's a possum.
 One
Flag out of Five
Heartbreakers
Starring Sigourney Weaver, Jennifer Love Hewitt
and Gene Hackman
Well this movie Heartbreakers is all about a pair
of grifters. Hell, all I know about grifters is a couple shotgun blasts
over their heads usually sends em' packin'. So I was surprised ter see
that the two grifters in this movie were ladies. I mean, did you ever
hear of such a thing as lady grifters? I can see how people would fall
for their scams too, what with them bein' so purty and everythin'. Dadblast
it, I was blushin' myself from time ter time, it was kinda embarrasin',
'specially when I had to get up and go ter the john. Anyways, the plot
goes like this: the older lady (who's still awful purty and could talk
the legs off a chair) marries rich gents, and then the young lady (who's
real purty) like, sorta (don't read this bit mom) seduces
them, (okay, you can carry on readin' now) which gives the older lady
grounds for divorce, see, and anyways it's all done in the best possible
taste and there ain't even any boobies or anything like that, although
it is a bit naughty from time ter time. You'll like this movie or my middle
name ain't Linus.
Three-and-a-half Flags out of Five
Say
It Isn't So
Starring Heather Graham and Chris Klein
Hot diggety dog shit, I loved this movie! I've been a big
fan of the Farrelly Brothers ever since Dumb and Dumberer and King
Pin - in fact those are two of my all-time favorite movies. I got
ter say, Say It Ain't So is a bit naughty in places, but if I'm
bein' honest I tell ya I didn't get quite a few of the jokes anyway. But
boy, I wish I'd had some milk with me fer the scene where she's cuttin'
the guy's hair and chops his ear off cuz HOT DAMN I woulda blown it straight
outta my nose. Whoo! That was the funniest thing I seen since Roscoe P.
Coltrane crashed his car upside-down into that chicken coop chasin' the
Duke boys. Course, Boss Hogg had to drop all the charges. I swear he's
never gonna get them rascally Dukes!
Five
Flags Out Of Five
Too
Much Sleep
Starring Mark Palmieri and Pasquale Gaeta
First time I looked at this movie title I thought it said
"Too Much Sheep," and I thought to myself, that ain't right,
there ain't no such thing as too much sheep, and then I realized it was
"Sleep" not "Sheep" and boy, I thought to myself if
brains were leather, Joe Barton couldn't saddle a fly. So this movie's
all about a security guard who loses his gun, which you would think would
make for a real excitin' movie, but actually it was kinda dull, and I
ain't gonna tell you whether he finds it or not at the end, cuz that would
spoil the surprise, and Phil told me before he left that I ain't ter go
round spoilin' people's surprises like when I reviewed Titanic
and told everyone that the big boat sinks, and - uh uh, I ain't fallin
fer it this time!
Two
Flags Out Of Five
New On Video
Dancer
In The Dark
This was a really scary movie. It didn't seem ter have
no plot or nothin', but I liked the little girlie they got to play the
lead pixie.
The
Tao Of Steve
I don't get it. Who is Steve and what's up with his
toe? There ain't no Steves OR toes in this movie, just lotsa talkin',
which I think gets borin' after a while.
Remember
The Titans
I remember Clash of the Titans. That was a fun
movie.
Dune
(Re-release)
I ain't seen that much sand since I got lost round the
back of Home Depot last week.
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