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Reviews by Sen. Phil Gramm (R-Texas)
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Lots of excitement in the Gramm household this week as Steven Seagal
makes a dramatic comeback (did he ever really go away?), starring
in the new action-fest Exit Wounds. Plus, old Phil here was a bit
of a bad boy himself this week, getting banned from two movie theaters.
But enough about me, lets get on with the reviews!
Exit
Wounds
Starring Steven Seagal and the so-called 'DMX'
What a joy it is to see one of my all-time favorite action
heros back on the big screen. You may remember the classy Steven Seagal
from such exciting thrillers as Under Siege, in which he must save
a ship from terrorists, and Under Siege 2, in which he must save
a train from terrorists. These are in a totally different league to other
movies of the action genre, and are not to be confused with Speed
(saving a bus from terrorists), Die Hard (saving an office building
from terrorists), Executive Decision (an airplane), Die Hard
2 (an airport), Speed 2 (a ship again), Air Force One
(Air Force One), The Rock (San Francisco), Die Hard With A Vengeance
(New York), Terminator (the world), and Terminator 2 (the
world again).
No, Steven Seagal has a special place atop the Phil Gramm tree of action
superstars. Who could forget such memorable quotes as, "I'm just
the cook," and, "Yeah, well... I also cook." Fabulous stuff.
If there was one downside to Under Siege it was the part where
Erika Eleniak jumped out of the cake shaking her... well... you might
say she had a couple of large parts in the movie. Anyway, I wasted
a good hour rewinding that scene so that I could make notes in my Smut
Book. Got to keep tabs on what those Hollywood perverts are up to, don't
I?
Exit Wounds is another Seagal classic. There was a little too
much cursing for my taste, liberal drug use, nudity, and literally hundreds
of people are shot dead, but it's clearly all in good fun. However, before
you send your kids off to this movie, parents should be warned that Mr.
Seagal's co-star (and I use the term loosely) is none other than a rap
"artist" who goes by the unlikely name of "DMX". For
this reason I would STRONGLY recommend not allowing children under the
age of seventeen to see Exit Wounds.
 Four-and-a-half
Flags out of Five
Enemy
At The Gates
Starring Jude Law, Joseph Fiennes, and Ed Harris
I struggled and wrestled and jostled and wrangled with myself
over this movie. On the plus side, it's all about the good thrashing that
the Krauts got in dubya-dubya-two. But dagnabit and dadblastations, it's
the Russkies doing the thrashing! For once, can't we have an honest-to-goodness
movie about how we Americans beat up on Jerry while we were saving European
butt? I mean, come on. Plus, to add insult to injury, the lead Russkie
is played by a Brit! So basically, you've got a Brit, whose ass
we bailed out in '45, playing a Russkie, who ended up planting nukes in
our backyard in '62. I'm outraged. Oh, but how can I stay mad at this
movie? After all, it's full of dead Germans!
Unfortunately I missed the conclusion of Enemy at the Gates, because
during a particularly dramatic moment where the Russian sniper has a female
German soldier dead in his sights, but can't decide whether to shoot her
or not, the tension became too great and I yelled "FIRE!", which
caused a bit of a panic. Consequently, I've been banned from my local
Cineplex Odeon. But for goodness sakes, since when has it been a criminal
offense to shout "Fire!" in a crowded movie theater? Those damn
liberals, trying to take away my First Amendment rights.
Three
Flags out of Five
The
Dish
Starring some Sam Neill and Kevin Harrington
Is it just me, or have there been a plethora of foreign
films over the last few weeks? Well at least this one's in English, even
if it is with that god-forsaken Australian accent. The Dish is
set in 1969, and is all about how a bunch of Aussie rednecks almost manage
to mess up the broadcast of Neil Armstrong's moon landing. In this supposedly
true story, their satellite dish is the only one on the planet capable
of receiving the TV signal (I find that hard to believe for a start),
and of course they don't know how to work it. Now, this movie is supposed
to be a comedy, but frankly I don't find anything funny in the fact that
the United States of America's most glorious moment in space was almost
sabotaged by a bunch of sheep farmers who walk around saying things like
"What's your favorite pastime, sport?"
Having been recently banned from my local Cineplex Odeon, I was forced
to take in this so-called "comedy" at the slightly more down-market
AMC cinema, which did not add to my enjoyment one little bit, I can tell
you. I sat stony-faced throughout The Dish, and as the rest of
the audience applauded at its conclusion, I rose to my feet shouting "BOOOO!",
threw popcorn at the screen, and spat on the floor. It seemed the patriotic
thing to do at the time. And while the manager has since informed me that
I'm no longer welcome there, I still feel it was worth it.
No
Flags Out Of Five
New On Video
The Legend of Drunken Master
Although this movie features possibly the best fight
scene ever put on film, I can't help feeling that it would have been better
with Steven Seagal in it.
Wonder
Boys
Independent, oddball, quirky, dark, eccentric, intriguing...
and CRAP.
Ben
Hur (Re-release)
A must-see movie. The chariot race reminds me of the
Gore campaign when the Supreme Court ruled against them. All the wheels
came off and there were bodies everywhere. Yeehah! It's time to move on,
suckers!
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