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Movie
Reviews by Sen. Phil Gramm (R-Texas)
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What do communists, celebrities, foreigners, guns, sex, witchcraft and
assassination have in common? Why, Phil Gramm, of course! That's right,
you'll find a conservative sprinkling of each in this week's movies. Let's
get on with the reviews...
15
Minutes
Starring Robert DeNiro and Edward Burns
It was Andy Warhol who once said "Everyone will be
famous for 15 minutes". What a big hairy bunch of crapola. If Andy
Warhol was so smart he would have painted pictures of proper things like
sunsets, bowls of fruit et cetera. Not lots of Marilyn Monroe heads all
fluorescent-like. Call that art? Mrs. Phil can do better than that, and
trust me - the little lady is not too hot with the old paintbrush. She
helped do our living room and now we've got little blobs of paint all
around the edge of the carpet. Plus now one of the windows won't open.
15 Minutes stars Robert de Niro and Edward Burns, who happens to be dating
Heather Graham, who was "Rollergirl" in Boogie Nights. Now because
I like to give the benefit of the doubt, I watched Boogie Nights fourteen
times before I came to the conclusion that it is one of the most disgraceful
and irresponsible movies EVER made. I will not be watching it again, after
this weekend.
However, while Boogie Nights may be a doped-up, porn-saturated, Satanic
thrill ride, 15 Minutes has a serious side. Parents should value the lessons
that their children will learn from this movie - lessons on morality,
gun safety, and the twin evils of television and foreigners.
 Four
Flags out of Five
Company
Man
Starring Sigourney Weaver, Dennis Leary, and Alan
Cumming
This is a dreadful, dreadful movie. How could anyone make
fun of our brave CIA boys and their ingenious attempts to de-throne the
evil communist Fidel Castro? Why, this film makes a mockery of almost
everything this great nation stands for. I remember when USA stood for
United States of America, not Unbeliveably Sympathetic to Anarchists.
Damnation, if I had my way this movie would be impeached, locked up, and
tortured for high crimes and misdemeanors, or treasonery, or somesuch
other evil-doer type charge.
Having said that, the performances are quite good all around, particularly
that delightful Alan Cumming fella. With that fabulous sense of humor
he must get all the ladies! Mrs. Phil said that she was sure he'd be a
lot of fun to go shopping with. That's fine by me. I can't stand shopping.
Two
Flags out of Five
The
Harry Potter Trailer
Starring some hair-helmet Limey four-eyes
Yes, that's right. The Harry Potter movie isn't coming out
until November but I, Phil Gramm, have recently been privy to a sneak
preview trailer, of which I will now impart the details. Basically, you've
got this goggle-eyed Brit kid with a terrible mullet/bowl hair combination,
okay? So off he goes on an old-style steam train to some la-di-dah boarding
school for - and here's the catch - wizards. Yes, wizards. This movie
is nothing more than an excuse for devil-worshipping atheists to once
again tear at the fabric of all that is good and holy. When will they
learn that children don't want to hear made up nonsense about wizards,
and magic, and monsters, and feasts, and broomsticks? Children want to
hear THE TRUTH. And that's what the Bible is for. Every last word.
This
movie is not yet rated
New On Video
Almost Famous
They say if you can remember the Seventies, you weren't
there. Well I remember them just fine, and they were great. Unlike this
movie.
Gone
With The Wind (re-release)
Now THIS is more like it! Classic American entertainment,
set in a better time. If only we could go back to the good old days...
One
Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest (re-release)
A vivid depiction of what happens if you vote Democrat.
Heh heh, just kidding! You lost! Get over it!
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