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Movie
Reviews by Sen. Phil Gramm (R-Texas)
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Only two movies released this week folks - one great, one weird. On with
the reviews...
3000
Miles To Graceland
Starring Kevin Costner and Kurt Russell
Kevin Costner used to be one of my favorite actors until
he developed a thing for JFK. First he comes up with a wacky plot about
CIA-involved assassination, and in his last movie "Thirteen Days" he tried
to convince us that his character was responsible for saving us from the
Russkies. What a pantywaist. Hell, if I'd been in charge during the Cuban
missile crisis I'd have nuked 'em all, no messing around.
However, Kevin redeems himself in his new movie "3000 Miles To Graceland"
in which he plays a real man's man, a man who knows how to handle a woman,
a man who isn't afraid of his weapon. Not some squeaky-voiced girly-boy
who's scared to put his finger on the nuclear button.
In short, this movie is a mix of exciting gunplay, loud explosions, and
a little bit of Elvis-impersonating. Think of it as a cross between "Viva
Las Vegas" and "Rambo" - two of my all-time favorite films. In my opinion
we need more movies which combine singing and fighting to end the recent
drought of quality Hollywood movies. Not since "Left Behind" have I seen
such excellent direction, acting and scriptwriting. "3000 Miles To Graceland"
is my Movie of the Week.
 Four
Flags out of Five
Monkeybone
Starring Brendan Fraser and Whoopi Goldberg
More proof that psychedelic drugs are the scourge of modern-day
America and, if left unchecked, will lead to the debasement and destruction
of our children, families, pets, friends, friends' children, and houseplants.
"Monkeybone" is obviously the product of a mushroom-addled mind, mixing
live action and animation to create a blend of brain-curdling, nightmarish
sequences featuring the sometimes manly, sometimes gay Brendan Fraser
and a bizarre little monkey character.
I developed a terrible headache and had to leave halfway through the
movie. When I got home I took four Advil, lay down on the sofa, and Mrs.
Phil had to apply a damp washcloth to my throbbing brow. She suggested
I go to bed, but I wasn't tired, and anyway I wanted to watch the end
of "Temptation Island" (to make notes on the exact amount of debauchery
for my next complaint to Fox TV).
When I finally did go to bed I couldn't sleep at first due to the flashing
lights. Even after I did finally nod off, Mrs. Phil reported the next
morning that I had spent a good portion of the night tossing and turning,
and shouting "Kiss me Brendan".
I would not recommend Monkeybone to anyone - the living, the dead, or
indeed the living dead, if they actually exist, just in case I have to
renounce my current beliefs should vampires take over the planet.
No Flags out of Five
New On Video
The Contender
The true story of what happens when you let women play
at being politicians. Features alcohol-fuelled orgies.
Bedazzled
Brendan Fraser strikes a deal with the devil. Elizabeth
Hurley struts around like a fox.
Lost
Souls
In which foolish non-believers fall prey to a vast Satanic
conspiracy and suffer grisly deaths. Show this one to your kids if they
don't want to go to church.
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