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SPECIAL!
Movie
Reviews by Sen. Phil Gramm (R-Texas)
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Yes, that great, gaudy festival of suntanned homosexual backslappality
is almost upon us once again. I'm referring of course to the 2001 Academy
Awards ceremony. So this week as a special treat I've decided to take
a look at the nominations. And heavens above, what a cavalcade of crap!
Why my personal pick for movie of the year, "Left Behind" didn't
get a nod (not even for its fabulous special effects) I'll never know.
And on top of that, a movie that's not even in English got ten nominations!
So let's get on with it shall we? Line 'em up!
Gladiator
Starring Russell Crowe and Joaquin Phoenix
The true story of a Roman gladiator and his bloodthirsty
one-man quest for revenge. I must admit that this movie made me feel a
slight twinge of jealousy toward the glory days of the Romans — the
plebs knew their place, the Emperor ruled with an iron fist, the men were
out all day fighting foreigners, and the women stayed at home keeping
house. Yes my friends, those were the days! Praise be to Zeus!
 Four
Flags out of Five
Crouching
Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Starring Chow Yun Fat and Michelle Yeoh
If you like karate-chopping, sword-fighting, sub-titled
orientals on strings, then this is the movie for you. Personally that
kind of thing ain't for Phil here. Doesn't really float my boat if you
know what I mean. Now I consider myself to be a fairly enlightened kind
of fella when it comes to global affairs, but when a movie like this gets
ten nominations, I just have to say sayonara.
No Flags out of Five
Chocolat
Starring Johnny Depp and Juliet Binoche
I sure do like chocolate. But this "Chocolat"
left a bitter-sweet taste in my mouth. You will enjoy the delightful performance
of Juliet Binoche, but you'll also have to put up with pseudo-Euro weirdo
Johnny Depp and his hi-falutin', artsy-fartsy, pretty-boy "acting".
Depp, however, isn't the main cause of the movie's downfall. No siree,
the real clincher is that this movie is all about Sex. That's right, S-E-X.
Something I'm sure you'll agree we could all do without. I think the world
would be a much better place if we could just take in a movie on a rainy
Sunday afternoon without having men's penises shoved down our throats.
One
Flag out of Five
Erin
Brockovich
Starring Julia Roberts
With a decidedly communist-sounding last name, I was expecting
Erin Brockovich to be something of a let down. And I wasn't disappointed.
Julia Roberts stars as Brockovich, the tree-hugging femi-nazi who just
has to start sticking her cute little nose into an honest corporation's
business. The hard-working folks at Pacific Gas and Electric are roundly
vilified as evil, heartless profiteers who are allegedly doing some kind
of damage to the so-called "environment". Meanwhile Ms. Roberts
is flouncing around in tight-fitting tank-tops, championing single-motherhood
and generally making a nusiance of herself. And in the laughably unbelievable
ending to this little fantasy, poor old Pacific Gas and Electric are outrageously
sued for hundreds of millions of dollars.
No
Flags out of Five
Traffic
Starring Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta-Jones and
Benicio Del Toro
About two minutes into this movie the full horror of what
I was about to witness struck me like an orang-utan going through banana-withdrawal.
Two hours later I reeled, gagging, from the theater out into the clean,
fresh, Texas air. I shall say this once, and only once. I, Phil Gramm,
was frankly DISGUSTED and APPALLED by this traitorous depiction of our
nation's tireless and patriotic war on drugs, and I am seriously considering
legislation to prevent this kind of pinko claptrap from ever again being
forced into the brains of innocent Texans.
No
Flags out of Five
And now, a quick guide to the best actors and actresses...
Javier Bardem - foreign
Russell Crowe - foreign
Tom Hanks - classy
Ed Harris - all-american
Geoffrey Rush - bent
Juliet Binoche - foxy
Julia Roberts - horsey
Laura Linney - who?
Ellen Burstyn - can't quite place the name
Joan Allen - sorry, still no idea
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