MAILBAG DOUBLE EDITION
Hate Mailbag (Part One)
April 2, 2003
It's been a long, long time since the Hate Mailbag was updated, so this time we're doing a special double edition. Unfortunately, it seems that since we installed a spam filter - which requires the sender of an email to confirm that they're human (and not a spambot) before the email is passed through to us - a lot of hate mailers seem to have been put off. There are two likely explanations for this. Either they're not human, or they're scared that by confirming themselves, they'll be added to our secret database of conservatives which we've been passing along to Hillary Clinton to use as she sees fit. Of course, both of these explanations are absurd. And now, on with the Mailbag. As usual, these emails have not been edited in ANY WAY, except to preserve the anonymity of the senders. (Editor's note to Senator Clinton - we've got another "special delivery" for you. Drop us a line at the usual address.)
So This One Time, At Mine Kamp
From: "Eric ---------" <------@------.net>
Sent: Thursday, October 23, 2003 9:43 PM
Subject: your so mislead it's funny.
Do you get this stuff while reading your latest rewrite of Mine Kamp or The label off Bill Clinton's discarded underwear?
Go hug a tree - please, one way - way - way far away, please!
DU RESPONDS: Question, Eric: Is Mine Kamp anything like Space Kamp, except instead of flying the Space Shuttle, the kids learn how to extract ore from beneath the earth's krust? Just wondering.
Frivolous Lawsuits (Part One)
From: john ------
Sent: Tuesday, October 28, 2003 5:05 PM
Subject: Thought you should know this...
There is a post on your communistic site advocating criminal acts against Wal Mart. don't worry I copied and sent a link to Wal Mart. I am sure they will be contacting your pathetic anti-American piece of shit site through their legal dept.
You're nothing but goons and criminals.
HERE'S YOUR POST ADVOCATING CRIMINAL VANDALISM AND MISCHIEF AGAINST WAL MART.
STUPID MOTHERFUCKIN' TRAITORS.
DU RESPONDS: Hang on John, someone just knocked at the door. Holy shit - it's two guys from Wal-Mart! They're serving us with a writ! Just kidding, it was the mailman. Oh, wait a second, the phone's ringing. Fuck! It's Wal-Mart's legal department! They're going to sue us! They want a BILLION DOLLARS! Just kidding, it was a telemarketer.
From: "-------, Joshua D" <--------@----.edu>
Sent: Wednesday, October 29, 2003 9:28 AM
Subject: get your facts straight
You guys need to get your facts straight. If President Bush isn't going to win the upcoming election, who is? You guys have nobody anyone's even heard of, much less capable of overtaking Bush. The war in Iraq is going great, and if your media morons would report the facts straight, the nation would know about it. Bush's approval rating is sky high, so you may as well forget about this election and focus on the next one. If you really believe that Saddam Hussein had no w.o.m.d., why didn't he allow the inspectors in sooner? What do you think he was afraid of? The reason the radio is dominated by conservatives is because nobody wants to listen to your crap. Not once have I heard a liberal call up and offer valid facts for their beliefs. Instead, its always a bunch of name calling. You know that you can't defend what you believe with facts; that's why nobody listens to you. You rely on the media to preach what you think as gospel, and never even question your motives. The reason none of you want to go to war is because you're afraid that Bush will look like a hero. Everybody knows Iraq has w.o.m.d. You guys are all a bunch of morons.
P.S. The reason you won't debate any thing in the hate mailbox is because you know you'll lose!
DU RESPONDS: How interesting it is to see that in a mere five months, almost every single thing in your email has been proven completely wrong.
Maher, Maher, Maher
Sent: Wednesday, October 29, 2003 10:18 PM
Subject: Conservative idiot
"Dennis Miller ..... the last time Miller said something funny was in 1987."
Name ONE TIME that anti-American asshole Bill Maher has said ONE THING that was funny.
DU RESPONDS: Well, just the other week he said that John Ashcroft got pancreatitis from wiping his ass on the Bill of Rights.
From: Jeff ---------
Sent: Thursday, October 30, 2003 5:23 PM
I find it interesting that on your liberal radio list I have not heard one of them and I listen to talk radio.I wouldn't trust anyone from your dems2004 list to clean out my garage.
DU RESPONDS: I wouldn't trust anyone from our Dems 2004 list to clean out your garage either. You'll probably need a professional cleaning service and a vermin control expert. Not to mention someone discreet to get rid of the cartons full of child porn.
Frivolous Lawsuits (Part Two)
Sent: Monday, November 03, 2003 12:11 AM
Subject: You will be sued if i do not have a response!!!!!
This is some bull shit!!! I can't even state my opinion on this site. If I don't get a response in a e-mail in a couple days I'm willing to sue the fuck out of you liberals for FALSE information. Every thing on here is fake and making America, the land I love, the home of the brave and land of the free, look bad. Actually you liberals make America look bad. The only thing worse then terrorism in America, is Liberalism and your bring America down and I'm not going down with it!!!
DU RESPONDS: Hang on Tonio, the phone's ringing. Oh my god! It's you! You're going to sue us! You want a BILLION DOLLARS! Just kidding, it was your mother. She wants her underwear back.
Sent: Tuesday, November 04, 2003 2:28 PM
Subject: The ballad of Election Lost...
Nine men of hate
Stood tall and proud,
and shot hate filled words
amongst the crowd,
Gephardt and Dean
faces twisted and mean,
And then there was Kerry
this man was he scary,
They hated Bush
and they hated the war,
they forgot about terror
and Bin Laden at the door,
3000 souls of the towers did weep
at the voice of evil riding a mule,
They lost California because of their spew,
They lost two Governships too!
So what shall it be
when the voters shall speak,
will they cease to exist
let's wait and see.....
I see a little silhouetto of a man
DU RESPONDS: Scaramouche scaramouche
DU RESPONDS: Will you do the fandango?
DU RESPONDS: Thunderbolts and lightning
DU RESPONDS: Very very frightening
DU RESPONDS: Me!
RESPONDS: Galileo, Galileo,
DU RESPONDS: Galileo, Galileo,
DU RESPONDS: Galileo Figaro
DU RESPONDS: Magnifico!
Here's Comes The Pitch...
From: Cyndy ----------
Sent: Friday, November 07, 2003 11:09 PM
Subject: For Your Hate Mailbag
Your website is quite entertaining. And you've succeeded in touching the emotions of both conservatives and liberals. I am confident that whenever the adults in this country grow up, that we will see that it is the conservatives that will rise way, way above your level maturity (or shall I say "immaturity") and be able to discuss things appropriately. Oh, here's an idea --- maybe the liberals can try modeling mature discourse. Never mind, bad thought. Conservatives, don't fall into the liberals' trap of low standards, bashing, and overall immaturity. You are above that, you know.
DU RESPONDS: Wait for it, wait for it...
...And He Hits It Out Of The Ballpark!
Sent: Thursday, November 06, 2003 3:47 PM
Subject: Please help
I am a conservative. I work for a living and pay a ton in taxes. I DONOT support the idea of you liberals taking my money and giving it to welfare white trash and niggers who do drugs, bums who you call the "homeless", people who have made bad decisions in their life and as a result live in double wides, homos who like to play pillow biter games, and Bill and Hillary who would rather lie than tell the truth.
I believe in the individual! I am not part of a group! If you don't like this country then why don't you move to some country like Iraq and live under that type of oppression. You obviously don't have any problems with Sadam. And by the way...the troops over there don't give a damn about what you liberals think. They laugh at you. So tell Nancy Pelosi and Ted (the fat, drunken, murderer) Kennedy that they can stop acting as though they care about what happens to our troops. My brother is in Iraq and he says that they thank GOD everyday that Bush is their commander and chief .
Imagine if Gore (the candy ass) were the president after 911. He (like Clinton) wouldn't have done a damn thing until he took a poll first. He then would have run like hell the first time something went wrong over there. I hope and pray that one day I will actually meet a pussy democrat. I frankly don't know anyone that is a democrat. That's like saying I do drugs, or I'm on welfare, or I live in a trailor, or I work the 3rd shift, or I'm a homo, or I belong to PETA, or I belong to the ACLU, or I'm in a union. In other words I'm a loser.... which is what DEMOCRATS are. Chew on that for a while. I would love to hear from who ever reads this.
Mr Individual from Georgia
DU RESPONDS: Thank you, Mr. Individual, for allowing me the pleasure of juxtaposing your email with the one above. Marvelous!
Most Tenuous Accusation Of Anti-Semitism Ever
Sent: Monday, November 10, 2003 4:45 PM
Subject: A bit of honest advice for you !!
If you just change the word "conservative " or "republican" for "Jew" in your hateful rhetoric, you could probably change your site to the the "Neo-Nazi Underground". Adolf would be proud!
I love you guys!
DU RESPONDS: You know, I never thought of it that way. By the same token, if you just change the word "Joe" in your name to "Dick," and then the letter "C" to "Wad," your name would be the same as your personality!
A Lesson In Compassionate Conservatism
From: Mike ---------
Sent: Tuesday, November 11, 2003 8:47 PM
The only good liberal is a dead liberal.... God lhas your number, Burn in Hell you bastards
DU RESPONDS: Sorry Mike, God doesn't have my number - although he does appear to have my email address...
And God Spoke
From: Ken ------
Sent: Friday, November 14, 2003 5:09 PM
Thou art full of shit, I am God.
DU RESPONDS: Hello God, good to hear from you!
And God Repeated Himself
From: Ken ------
Sent: Friday, November 14, 2003 5:12 PM
Thou art full of shit, I am GOD !
DU RESPONDS: Yes yes, I heard you the first time. I think it's time for your nap, God.
The Hand That Rocks The Craddle
Sent: Wednesday, November 26, 2003 3:20 AM
did you know that the republic is the craddle for democracy? the republic always had the highest principles known to mankind. along came the demon rats wanting to kill their offspring wanting woman to marry woman men to marry men, applauding homosexual priest reward tyrants, put down good honorable and honest people. liberal democrates such as abill clinton are perverts of a very low leveled unconcious ungodly smurrkie preditors. i kid you not and the truth cannot lie.
DU RESPONDS: I love this email, you can almost hear the sound of the guy sliding out of his chair in a drunken stupor just seconds after hitting "Send."
Time For Another Hilarious Juxtaposition
Sent: Monday, December 01, 2003 11:48 AM
Subject: You people are so boring
Allow conservatives to post so that at least some intellectual content will be presented on this site. You all sound like a bunch of whining lunatics. I guess this is the best we can expect from liberals.
DU RESPONDS: Wait for it, wait for it...
From: Karl ----------
Sent: Friday, November 07, 2003 9:11 PM
WHAT PART OF 9-11 DON'T YOU IGNORANT FUCKS DON'T YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND. ALL YOU DEM. CARE ABOUT IS GETTING YOUR ASS BACK INTO THE WHITE HOUSE. YOU HAVE NO CLUE ON HOW TO KEEP THE COUNTRY SAFE FROM TERRORISTS ,ONLY THE SAME OLD BULLSHIT "WE WANT TO RAISE YOUR TAXES,SCREW YOU M.F. HAD BILL CLINTON WORRIED MORE ABOUT BEN LADEN WHEN HE WAS WATCHING A GOLF TOURNAMENT HE'D BE DEAD TODAY OR WAS HE THINKING ABOUT MONICA? INSTEAD OF DEBATING ON TV, YOU OUGHT TO ALL GET ON JACKASSES (BACKWARDS)AND RIDE DOWN DOWNTOWN BAHGDAD. THAT WAY NOBODY COULD TELL WHO WAS WHO. ENOUGH SAID, OH BY THE WAY THE ATTACHMENT TELLS YOU WHAT THE IQ OF THE TOTAL 9 CANDIDATES IS THEN DIVIDE BY 9/ WOULD YOU BE KIND TO SEND THE ATTACHMENT TO HITLARY , IT FIT HER TO A TEE TO. THANKS KK
DU RESPONDS: Boom tiss.
Libertarians Are The Smart
Sent: Thursday, November 27, 2003 7:41 PM
I know,you do not want to read that.You read it already!!Read it again and think about it!That declaration make me a Libertarian. Guy -------
DU RESPONDS: Okay, Guy. That makes you a libertarian. Whatever you say. Now put the gun down and back away slowly.
From: chuck -----
Sent: Thursday, December 04, 2003 2:44 PM
Subject: What was that
Is there anyone that you paople dont hate?
You people are fucking scairy
DU RESPONDS: Chuck, we are fucking hairy too! And we live in a fucking dairy!
Bob Wants To Be In The Top Ten Conservative Idiots
Sent: Saturday, December 06, 2003 1:21 AM
Subject: conservative idiot
PLEASE, I beg you to include me on your list. What an honor that would be. Of course, you liberals would not have the guts to do such a thing...Bob
----- SW --- Street
-----, FL -----
DU RESPONDS: Tell you what Bob, since you're a complete nobody we'll put you in the Hate Mailbag instead, how about that?
Yes, I Will Take A Pair Of Those Blinders, Thank You
Sent: Sunday, December 07, 2003 7:05 PM
Subject: I'm so glad
I'm so glad the Democrats are no longer in power! Ignorant, hateful liberal wackos are the biggest threat to the future of this country and I want my kids to enjoy the freedoms and blessed life that I have had. All liberals know how to do is protest, bitch and moan about conservatives and Republicans. They offer no solutions or ideas for improvement(aside from bigger government and more entitlements for the lazy). Your website is like a car accident: hideous and grotesque but I have to look. Keep running yourselves into the ground, though, and continue along the path to self-destruction, because that will ensure a truly free America for my children.
DU RESPONDS: Well, I hope your children thank you when they're drafted and shipped off to fight in Iraq. Incidentally, did you know that since the Republicans rescued you from the scourge of liberal wackos, government spending has grown by 27 percent? Or were you too glad to notice?
Libs Go Down Forever (Is That A Bad Thing?)
Sent: Sunday, December 07, 2003 5:13 PM
Subject: (no subject)
Your site is hysterical.
A bunch of whining LIBS!!!!!!!!!!!!
LIBS go down forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A moral MAN is in the Whitehouse and shall remain for 5 more years. Then Jeb will take over!
I am one of millions that were Democrats.
Thank you immoral Clintons for opening my eyes.
DU RESPONDS: Jeez, it's almost like America has a real monarchy again! God bless His Majesty George II of Bush, long live the king!
From: Larry -------- ------@mail2.gcnet.net
Sent: Saturday, December 06, 2003 8:34 PM
Every day I pray and thank god that George Bush is our president.
DU RESPONDS: During masturbation, or instead of taking a shower?[an error occurred while processing this directive]