August 2, 2003
You've heard the old saying "Give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters and an infinite amount of time, and eventually one of them will write the works of Shakespeare." Well what they don't tell you is that the rejected works of all the other monkeys end up right here in the Hate Mailbag. It's a particuarly puzzling selection this time, as the mail we've received ranges from the basically illiterate to the thoroughly incoherent. Must be war fever. As usual please note: these emails have not been edited in ANY WAY, except to preserve the anonymity of the sender.
Bearded Lady On Board
Sent: Saturday, July 05, 2003 12:21 PM
Wow, What a freakshow you have here........
DU RESPONDS: Yes, it's called the Hate Mailbag. Amazing isn't it?
Sent: Tuesday, June 10, 2003 10:31 PM
Subject: LEFTWING FRUITS
YOU LEFTWING FRUITS!!!!!!!!YOU PEOPLE SCARE ME!!!!!!!BYE THE WAY I AM NOT DRUNK!!!!!!!!DOES ANYONE KNOW A DEMOCRAT WHO DOES'NT WORK FOR THE GOVERMENT!!!!!!!OR SOME "THINK TANK" COMMUNISM HAS FALLEN!!! GET OVER IT!!!!!!
CHAD IN MEMPHIS
DU RESPONDS: Okay, who gave the laptop to the crazy guy on the street corner?
One Million Years B.C.
From: ------ -------
Sent: Sunday, June 01, 2003 1:44 PM
just read your website for 1st time assholes unite you should all kiss bill and hillary's asses as you do everyday bubba and cunt ugh what a disgusting dem. party p.u. ugh , ugh , ugh
DU RESPONDS: Dude, are you, like, a recently-defrosted caveman or something?
From: ----- -----
Sent: Monday, July 21, 2003 7:04 PM
Subject: Got a message for Democratic Underground
Your website is a solid proof that liberalizm is a mental disease. You're a bunch of bitter losers, who's trying to smear anybody just to make youself look better. Guess what, bunch of morons - you've lost yet again! You are a human waste, represented by "giants" like HillBill Clinton, StiffAl Gore, and other "high morale" earth womit.
The best place for you, is a mental institution for powerless angry idiots...
DU RESPONDS: "Guess what, bunch of morons..." I love it! I'm definitely going to remember that one next time I sit down with the boys to play poker: "Guess what, bunch of morons - full house!" Or perhaps next time I have dinner with the inlaws: "Guess what, bunch of morons - your daughter's pregnant!" But earth womit? Earth womit? I mean, I'm just intrigued about earth womit. What the hell is earth womit? It can't even be a typo - "v" and "w" are nowhere near each other on a keyboard. What is this earth womit? I DEMAND TO KNOW!
Facts, Not Emotions
From: ----- ---------
Sent: Saturday, July 19, 2003 9:37 PM
maybe you dumbocrates rather have rather have LBJ WITH 58235 KIA' AMERICANS to his credit or slick willy with his lies and black hawk down; GET AMERICANS KILLED AND RUN LIKE HELL AND NOT LET THEM FINISH THE MISSION . I DON'T SEE HOW ANYONE CAN BE SO STUPID AS TO WANT ANOTHER LIEING NO MORELS DRAFT DODGING CHICKEN DUNBOCRATE TO TRASH THE WHITEHOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAC 1ST CAV VIETNAM VETERAN GARRYOWEN TROOPER AND DAM PROUD OF GEORGE W BUSH !!!!!!!!
DU RESPONDS: Eww, I can almost visualize the spittle running down your monitor.
Thanks For The Clarification
From: "Mike -----" <--------@-------.net>
Cc: "---------" <--------@-------.net>
Sent: Tuesday, June 17, 2003 12:17 AM
Subject: article submission
I'm a teen and I was wondering if if I was a democrat. I hate all people who speak there minds I want to be anti guns,4-wheeling,and anti fun. My friend (A.k.A my mother,and only friend) now hate me because I still suport a liar,and his dumb blond wife.
your friend ,
P.S. If you are to stupid to relise (that would not suprise me) I Am A Pure Republican, I hunt and ride an atv oh and suport bush the whole way.
DU RESPONDS: Phew, Mike... you almost had me fooled there for a minute! I'm glad you let me in on the gag at the end otherwise I might not have spotted it. Boy, you Republicans sure are good at that sarcasm thing.
This Is Your Brain On Limbaugh
From: "----- -----" <--------@--------.com>
Sent: Tuesday, June 17, 2003 6:31 PM
Subject: Bill Clinton
his wife is going to run for president, then billy is going to run for U.N. president then make the U.S.A. like the U.S.S.R. where bread was $15.00 and you have no gun to fight for the right to live, work, and go where you would like to go. You are giving them the right to kill anyone they want, to walk into your home and rape and kill you and your family, take you house your children your money you worked you ass off getting and give it to someone that is lazy and has drug babies. Conservative: You'r walking down the street and there is a homeless man, and you give him the money in your poket. Democrats: you'r walking down the street and there is a homeless man, the government puts a gun to your head, and makes you give him money. is that right. if no then you are not a Democrat. but if you think that the government can then you would be the first to die because you bring no good to a dictator form of government.
DU RESPONDS: I saw a homeless man once. I walked past him, the government took my gun away from me, put it to my head, and made me give him $15 for a loaf of bread. Then he came round to my house, raped me and my family before taking my house, and my children, AND all my money, and then he gave it all to his wife for her drug baby. Man, I wish I was a conservative. Then I could have just solved the problem by giving him all the money in my pocket, just like all conservatives do when they see homeless people.
From: Suzanne and Alan -----
Sent: Tuesday, June 17, 2003 11:09 PM
Subject: from a republican.
Democrats are ruining this country. I paid 17% taxes under Stupid Clinton. I now pay 9.5% on my whole check and still get a refund. You will not win in 2004 or 2008..
DU RESPONDS: Let's see... we also have 9/11, two wars, hundreds of dead American soldiers, the vastly increased risk of terror attacks against America, an assault on civil liberties, a half trillion dollar budget deficit, drastic cuts in essential public services, the potential end of Social Security and Medicare, three million fewer jobs... still, as long as you got your tax cut, I guess none of that is particuarly important.
Clearly Not An Abba Fan
From: Scott and Stacy
Sent: Friday, June 27, 2003 11:55 AM
pathetic idiots...gimme gimme gimme
DU RESPONDS: What do you mean? That's a great song. Although I prefer "Dancing Queen" myself.
John Doesn't Quite Get It
From: "John ---------" <---------@------.------------.net>
Sent: Saturday, June 28, 2003 2:51 PM
When people send you a message and go against your political view, you always respond by saying something completely off the subject. It makes you look like you don't know how to respond to them because you know they're right. For example, a person spelled comeuppance, "Come upins". You didn't respond intelligently to their message and instead responded, "Come upins? Come upins? Oh, you mean 'comeuppance!' How cute." If you want people to listen to your argument and get people to agree with you then you need to be a little more intelligent than that. So if you can't think of any intelligent response to what I have just said then just correct my spelling and grammer please.
DU RESPONDS: I guess the whole concept of the Hate Mailbag just goes way, way over your head, doesn't it John? Oh, and it's "grammar," not "grammer," dumbass.
So THIS Is How You Support The Troops
From: "Cory -----" <-----@-------.edu>
Sent: Wednesday, July 02, 2003 4:44 PM
Subject: "Bring them on"
What a GREAT line!!
And true Americans LOVE it!!
DU RESPONDS: So let me get this straight: your definition of a true American is someone who says "support the troops," when what they actually mean is "fuck the troops, they can come home in body bags for all I care. It's more important for me to get a boner watching George W. Bush act like a tough guy." Right?
Michael Savage Writes
From: "----- ------------" <--------@yahoo.com>
Sent: Sunday, July 13, 2003 11:12 AM
Subject: bob graham for president
you liberals are shit why don't yall go sodomise each other you pieces of shit fuck all yall go to hell i we should send yall to iraq so yall can get shot a killed fags mother fuckers fuck all yall god damn pieces of shit.
DU RESPONDS: Dear Mr. Savage, don't you have anything better to do since you got fired from MSNBC than send us these fascinating essays?
A Lesson In Debate Technique
From: Michael -----
Sent: Thursday, July 17, 2003 9:46 PM
Fuck You Democrats: You’ve lied to the people for years about this rich vs poor crap. Fuck You again.
DU RESPONDS: I'm a little disappointed that you didn't push the envelope and fuck me thrice. Maybe next time.
Caps Lock Schlock Shock
Sent: Friday, July 18, 2003 8:07 AM
SCREW YOU AND YOUR ANTI AMERICAN WRITERS. MAY YOU AND THE LIES YOU PRINT BOTH BURN IN HELL.
DU RESPONDS: YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP. I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
Praying For Arseholes
From: "Chris -------" <--------@yepmail.net>
Sent: Thursday, July 24, 2003 7:07 PM
Why don't you future minions
of Antichrist get a life and start reading a couple of books because you obviously
do not have the brain power to think logistically. I know you people say that
you would rather vote for anyone than Bush. You say you would even vote for
the Antichrist over Bush- and you will, my friend. I pray that one day your
eyes will be lifted of their blindness and you might see some truth in the life
that God has given you. After all, you stand for every form of depravity, malicious
behavoir, and you want everyone in the world to live lives of complete sin.
I hope that you will learn the truth. I challenge you with this statement: look
around you and think to yourself...think about who you are and where you came
from and every lie that has ever left your lips...now do you feel as dirty as
everyone knows you are and as dirty as everyone knows your words are? You tell
lies because you want everyone to believe them and live the way you do. You
people are a plague on humanity and I pray that you will all one day find the
Lord and live in his good graces.
Thank you for your time.
All My Love and Hope,
DU RESPONDS: Dear Chris, thank you for your kind words, especially the part about me being a plague on humanity. I'm sure your minister will be pleased that you're spreading the good word in such a fashion. You know what though, you really got me thinking about myself and the way I've lived my life up to this point, and you're right - I'm just an evil, evil person. So now we've got that out of the way, I'd like to suggest that you take all your love and hope, and plug it firmly - firmly, mind you - in your rectum.
A Simple Request
From: ------ ----
Sent: Friday, July 25, 2003 1:04 AM
you people are absolute morons. please leave my country.
DU RESPONDS: I can only assume that you're writing from Iraq.
You Are Getting Sleepy
From: Tim -----
Sent: Sunday, July 27, 2003 3:34 PM
Liberalism, socialism, communism: the Political Axis of Evil. Read Ann Coulter and turn from your anti-American ways.
DU RESPONDS: Liberalism, socialism, communism: the Political Axis of Evil. Read Ann Coulter and turn from your anti-American ways. Liberalism, socialism, communism: the Political Axis of Evil. Read Ann Coulter and turn from your anti-American ways. Liberalism, socialism, communism: the Political Axis of Evil. Read Ann Coulter and turn from your anti-American ways. liberalism... socialism... communism... liberalism... socialism... communism... Aaah! Resistance is futile! This dittohead's brainwashing technique is just TOO DAMN GOOD! Must... fight............!
Won't Somebody Think Of The Children?
From: Dylan ------
Sent: Saturday, July 26, 2003 12:20 AM
Subject: you are not logical
First i am an a 12 year old child who's dream is to be the president and let me say you take food of my plate by supporting the rasie of taxes. you just a bunch of people that will ruin my beautiful homeland called the U.S.A and you have bad belifes. Clinton is a pervert and jimmy carter is insane. During the senate elections a c.n.n (communist news network) reporter put a trash can over his head to hide his tears wich is very pathietic like all libearls. the military hates you i hate you and my town hates you. Please mail back.All in all your belifes are irlogical
DU RESPONDS: Thanks Dylan, you've made my day! My favorite hate mails of all time are the ones from middle-aged alcoholics who pretend to be twelve years old in order to cover up their functional illiteracy. Boy, do you look stupid!
A Laugh A Minute
From: To Be Announced
Sent: Saturday, July 26, 2003 4:57 PM
har de har har no ideas, no balls, nothing to run on........
W will crush you in 04, get ready for the gulags!!!!!
Yes we stole the election, we are coming for you daughters next!!!!!!!!
DU RESPONDS: I'll let my daughter know you're on the way - I'm sure she'll be thoroughly impressed by your sloping forehead and tiny penis.
How Many Times Do I Have To Tell You, It's All Bill Clinton's Fault
Sent: Monday, July 28, 2003 6:54 PM
Subject: your page
I visit your page often. Usually
to find funny things to use as cannon fodder on my page, but it's always good
for a laugh. But, getting serious here, I would like your opinion on a little
report called "Operation Bojinka". I'm sure you've heard of it. It's that little
report that Clinton not only ignored but had Dale Watson, chief of the FBI's
International Terrorism Operations Section testifying before the Senate Judiciary
Committee in February 1998, leave out a rather important piece of known information,
such as the terrorist plots to hijack planes and fly them into our buildings.
He identified Operation Bojinka only as a plot to blow up U.S. air carriers,
and assured the senators that the FBI had the situation under control." This
is but one instance of Bill Clinton turning a blind and corrupt eye to foreign
terrorists threats to the U.S. I mean it's quite embarrassing to have cops in
the Philippines predicting the 9/11 attack while the Clinton Adminstration failed
to even pass on this little bit of news to the new Bush Administration. The
reason he did not pass it on is obvious. If he did, he would be asked why he
did nothing about it. Can't have that can we.
Also, why are you guys always begging for money. Don't you have jobs?
DU RESPONDS: Well spotted - actually we don't have jobs. We're all on the government payroll, along with our seventeen children (the ones we didn't have aborted) and crack-addicted gay lovers. We literally take your paycheck, which you no doubt earn putting in a daily sixteen-hour shift down the local mine shaft, and snort it up our noses while bathing in champagne, lunching on foie gras and tittering at our own cleverness. Then, in the afternoon, we prostrate ourselves before a 20-foot-tall taxpayer-funded golden statue of Bill Clinton's cock. Clinton's Magical Golden Cock then confuses the minds of Bush Administration officials, which is why Condoleezza Rice said of 9/11 "I don't think anybody could have predicted that these people would take an airplane and slam it into the World Trade Center, take another one and slam it into the Pentagon" despite the fact that they were actually testing this very theory ON September 11 IN THE PENTAGON.
Crying Trolls Corner
From: Brian -------
Sent: Friday, July 25, 2003 5:39 PM
Subject: Talk about hypocrites
You know, I found your site, thinking it was pretty nice. I posted a message, and was BANNED solely for being conservative. Whatever happened to that Freedom of Speech thing so many people on your site were whining about? Hmmm, I guess that only applies to those who agree with you right? Let me guess, you're a card-carrying member of the ACLU right? Talk about totalitarinism, then you all have the gall to bash Bush for what you consider to be the same type of behavior. You are a joke, and you are why intelligent liberals are finding it hard to be taken seriously. You ban conservatives because you don't want to take the risk of being proven wrong on anything. That's fine, continue your pansy "shout from the rooftop but run if they get close" behavior. I'd like to be reinstated, but I seriously doubt you'd have enough common decency to admit wrongdoing. Have a nice day you loudmouth wimps.
Oh, my user name was brianm.
DU RESPONDS: Brian, I must apologize. I understand that being banned from a left-wing website that specifically states NO CONSERVATIVES at the front door, for which you registered despite the fact that you ARE a conservative - and clearly a rude and condescending asshole to boot - must have been emotionally draining for you. Given the fact that you were obviously not in your right mind when you wrote your email, I must express my sincere remorse for our behavior, and I will reinstate your posting privileges immediately. Actually I'm kidding. Fuck off, jackhole.
How Not To Get Your Account Reinstated
From: "Dennis -------" <------@-------.org>
Sent: Thursday, July 24, 2003 3:08 PM
Subject: Why was I revoked?
Just because I am repulsed by you demonratic slime, doesn't mean I should be revoked. Jesus H Christ I can't help it for being anti-Liberal. You guys just make it so easy. Hey you might as well give up on the 2004 elections. Not even the HILDEBEAST can save your party now!
Proud Member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.
DU RESPONDS: Best wishes to you, Dennis! Keep fighting the good fight, and make sure you don't slip in your own drool or trip over your knuckles!
Come On Now, It's Only A Message Board
From: "Charles -------" <---------@hotmail.com>
Sent: Friday, July 25, 2003 3:35 PM
Hey, nice work deleting my posts. I guess my comments were double plus ungood making me an unperson - never existed. Orwell would be proud.
And you guys are frightened of a world run by conservatives? They may not be perfect, but they don't tend to censor and muzzle dissent (yes, yes they would censor porn and other arts in the name of decency, but not political debate...). But then all great foes of the US way of life in the late 20th century have been quite effective at quashing dissent - Stalin, Castro, Hussein, Pol Pot. Instead of torture and murder, it's speech codes on campus, shrieking "racism" at alternative views, mandated "re-education" for those accused of dissent. You make me think that much like the Wizard of Oz your ideals wouldn't stand up to quick peek behind the curtain.
I'm torn, I do enjoy sparring with folks on political matters but don't want to be resigned to "Right on, brother!" as my response to every topic. My opinions may seem a bit harsh and crudely stated, but the substance behind them is subject for debate, not classification as an unperson...
DU RESPONDS: Stalin, Castro, Hussein, Pol Pot, Democratic Underground. Yup, I can see how you could get the five of us confused. Say, have you considered applying for a job doing research for Ann Coulter? I hear she's looking for someone suffering from paranoid delusions with a talent for brainless hyperbole. You know, just to round out the team. You'd be perfect.
O. I. M. Shaw
Sent: Friday, July 18, 2003 8:21 PM
I don't understand, why?
I have been lurking since before you got the new software, and I am sure I have followed all the rules.
username Heywood Jablome
which, is my real name, I am from Nigera.
DU RESPONDS: My apologies, Mr. Jablome. It's just that, well, this is kinda embarrassing, but your name sounds like "Hey would ya blow me." So I automatically assumed that you were playing a joke, by suggesting that you wanted me to "blow you." However, since you're from Nigeria, and without further information I can only assume that Heywood Jablome is an all-too-common name there, I must have been mistaken. Boy, do I feel stupid. See, I thought you were suggesting that I should "blow you." But you were not at all suggesting that I should "blow you," it's just that your real name actually sounds like "Hey would ya blow me." I've gotta say, that must have been pretty tough for you growing up - although perhaps in Nigeria the phrase "Hey would ya blow me" doesn't have quite the same impact as it does here. Let me assure that if you'd grown up in the United States with a name that sounds like "Hey would ya blow me" you would have received daily beatings from your peers, and I'm sure that never happened to you. You know, you could probably go on tour with a name like that - "Caesar's Palace welcomes the Amazing Heywood Jablome! His real name actually sounds like hey would ya blow me! Roll up, roll up!" Man, you could make a fortune. Do you need an agent?