You've heard the old saying "Give an infinite number
of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters and an infinite
amount of time, and eventually one of them will write the
works of Shakespeare." Well what they don't tell
you is that the rejected works of all the other monkeys end
up right here in the Hate Mailbag. It's a particuarly puzzling
selection this time, as the mail we've received ranges from
the basically illiterate to the thoroughly incoherent. Must
be war fever. As usual please note: these emails have not
been edited in ANY WAY, except to preserve the anonymity of
Lady On Board
Sent: Saturday, July 05, 2003 12:21 PM
a freakshow you have here........
RESPONDS: Yes, it's called the Hate Mailbag.
Amazing isn't it?
Sent: Tuesday, June 10, 2003 10:31 PM
Subject: LEFTWING FRUITS
FRUITS!!!!!!!!YOU PEOPLE SCARE ME!!!!!!!BYE THE WAY I AM NOT
DRUNK!!!!!!!!DOES ANYONE KNOW A DEMOCRAT WHO DOES'NT WORK
FOR THE GOVERMENT!!!!!!!OR SOME "THINK TANK" COMMUNISM HAS
FALLEN!!! GET OVER IT!!!!!!
CHAD IN MEMPHIS
RESPONDS: Okay, who gave the laptop to the crazy
guy on the street corner?
Million Years B.C.
Sent: Sunday, June 01, 2003 1:44 PM
your website for 1st time assholes unite you should all kiss
bill and hillary's asses as you do everyday bubba and cunt
ugh what a disgusting dem. party p.u. ugh , ugh , ugh
RESPONDS: Dude, are you, like, a recently-defrosted
caveman or something?
Sent: Monday, July 21, 2003 7:04 PM
Subject: Got a message for Democratic Underground
is a solid proof that liberalizm is a mental disease. You're
a bunch of bitter losers, who's trying to smear anybody just
to make youself look better. Guess what, bunch of morons -
you've lost yet again! You are a human waste, represented
by "giants" like HillBill Clinton, StiffAl Gore, and other
"high morale" earth womit.
place for you, is a mental institution for powerless angry
RESPONDS: "Guess what, bunch of morons..." I
love it! I'm definitely going to remember that one next time
I sit down with the boys to play poker: "Guess what, bunch
of morons - full house!" Or perhaps next time I have dinner
with the inlaws: "Guess what, bunch of morons - your daughter's
pregnant!" But earth womit? Earth womit? I mean, I'm just
intrigued about earth womit. What the hell is earth womit?
It can't even be a typo - "v" and "w" are nowhere near each
other on a keyboard. What is this earth womit? I DEMAND TO
Sent: Saturday, July 19, 2003 9:37 PM
dumbocrates rather have rather have LBJ WITH 58235 KIA' AMERICANS
to his credit or slick willy with his lies and black hawk
down; GET AMERICANS KILLED AND RUN LIKE HELL AND NOT LET THEM
FINISH THE MISSION . I DON'T SEE HOW ANYONE CAN BE SO STUPID
AS TO WANT ANOTHER LIEING NO MORELS DRAFT DODGING CHICKEN
DUNBOCRATE TO TRASH THE WHITEHOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAC 1ST CAV
VIETNAM VETERAN GARRYOWEN TROOPER AND DAM PROUD OF GEORGE
W BUSH !!!!!!!!
RESPONDS: Eww, I can almost visualize the spittle
running down your monitor.
For The Clarification
"Mike -----" <--------@-------.net>
Cc: "---------" <--------@-------.net>
Sent: Tuesday, June 17, 2003 12:17 AM
Subject: article submission
I'm a teen
and I was wondering if if I was a democrat. I hate all people
who speak there minds I want to be anti guns,4-wheeling,and
anti fun. My friend (A.k.A my mother,and only friend) now
hate me because I still suport a liar,and his dumb blond wife.
you are to stupid to relise (that would not suprise me) I
Am A Pure Republican, I hunt and ride an atv oh and suport
bush the whole way.
RESPONDS: Phew, Mike... you almost had me fooled
there for a minute! I'm glad you let me in on the gag at the
end otherwise I might not have spotted it. Boy, you Republicans
sure are good at that sarcasm thing.
Is Your Brain On Limbaugh
"----- -----" <--------@--------.com>
Sent: Tuesday, June 17, 2003 6:31 PM
Subject: Bill Clinton
is going to run for president, then billy is going to run
for U.N. president then make the U.S.A. like the U.S.S.R.
where bread was $15.00 and you have no gun to fight for the
right to live, work, and go where you would like to go. You
are giving them the right to kill anyone they want, to walk
into your home and rape and kill you and your family, take
you house your children your money you worked you ass off
getting and give it to someone that is lazy and has drug babies.
Conservative: You'r walking down the street and there is a
homeless man, and you give him the money in your poket. Democrats:
you'r walking down the street and there is a homeless man,
the government puts a gun to your head, and makes you give
him money. is that right. if no then you are not a Democrat.
but if you think that the government can then you would be
the first to die because you bring no good to a dictator form
RESPONDS: I saw a homeless man once. I walked
past him, the government took my gun away from me, put it
to my head, and made me give him $15 for a loaf of bread.
Then he came round to my house, raped me and my family before
taking my house, and my children, AND all my money, and then
he gave it all to his wife for her drug baby. Man, I wish
I was a conservative. Then I could have just solved the problem
by giving him all the money in my pocket, just like all conservatives
do when they see homeless people.
Suzanne and Alan -----
Sent: Tuesday, June 17, 2003 11:09 PM
Subject: from a republican.
are ruining this country. I paid 17% taxes under Stupid Clinton.
I now pay 9.5% on my whole check and still get a refund. You
will not win in 2004 or 2008..
RESPONDS: Let's see... we also have 9/11, two
wars, hundreds of dead American soldiers, the vastly increased
risk of terror attacks against America, an assault on civil
liberties, a half trillion dollar budget deficit, drastic
cuts in essential public services, the potential end of Social
Security and Medicare, three million fewer jobs... still,
as long as you got your tax cut, I guess none of that is particuarly
Not An Abba Fan
Scott and Stacy
Sent: Friday, June 27, 2003 11:55 AM
idiots...gimme gimme gimme
RESPONDS: What do you mean? That's a great song.
Although I prefer "Dancing Queen" myself.
Doesn't Quite Get It
"John ---------" <---------@------.------------.net>
Sent: Saturday, June 28, 2003 2:51 PM
send you a message and go against your political view, you
always respond by saying something completely off the subject.
It makes you look like you don't know how to respond to them
because you know they're right. For example, a person spelled
comeuppance, "Come upins". You didn't respond intelligently
to their message and instead responded, "Come upins? Come
upins? Oh, you mean 'comeuppance!' How cute." If you want
people to listen to your argument and get people to agree
with you then you need to be a little more intelligent than
that. So if you can't think of any intelligent response to
what I have just said then just correct my spelling and grammer
RESPONDS: I guess the whole concept of the Hate
Mailbag just goes way, way over your head, doesn't it John?
Oh, and it's "grammar," not "grammer," dumbass.
THIS Is How You Support The Troops
"Cory -----" <-----@-------.edu>
Sent: Wednesday, July 02, 2003 4:44 PM
Subject: "Bring them on"
What a GREAT
Americans LOVE it!!
RESPONDS: So let me get this straight: your
definition of a true American is someone who says "support
the troops," when what they actually mean is "fuck the troops,
they can come home in body bags for all I care. It's more
important for me to get a boner watching George W. Bush act
like a tough guy." Right?
"----- ------------" <--------@yahoo.com>
Sent: Sunday, July 13, 2003 11:12 AM
Subject: bob graham for president
are shit why don't yall go sodomise each other you pieces
of shit fuck all yall go to hell i we should send yall to
iraq so yall can get shot a killed fags mother fuckers fuck
all yall god damn pieces of shit.
RESPONDS: Dear Mr. Savage, don't you have anything
better to do since you got fired from MSNBC than send us these
Lesson In Debate Technique
Sent: Thursday, July 17, 2003 9:46 PM
Democrats: You’ve lied to the people for years about this
rich vs poor crap. Fuck You again.
RESPONDS: I'm a little disappointed that you
didn't push the envelope and fuck me thrice. Maybe next time.
Lock Schlock Shock
Sent: Friday, July 18, 2003 8:07 AM
AND YOUR ANTI AMERICAN WRITERS. MAY YOU AND THE LIES YOU PRINT
BOTH BURN IN HELL.
RESPONDS: YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP. I CAN'T HEAR
"Chris -------" <--------@yepmail.net>
Sent: Thursday, July 24, 2003 7:07 PM
you future minions of Antichrist get a life and start reading
a couple of books because you obviously do not have the brain
power to think logistically. I know you people say that you
would rather vote for anyone than Bush. You say you would
even vote for the Antichrist over Bush- and you will, my friend.
I pray that one day your eyes will be lifted of their blindness
and you might see some truth in the life that God has given
you. After all, you stand for every form of depravity, malicious
behavoir, and you want everyone in the world to live lives
of complete sin. I hope that you will learn the truth. I challenge
you with this statement: look around you and think to yourself...think
about who you are and where you came from and every lie that
has ever left your lips...now do you feel as dirty as everyone
knows you are and as dirty as everyone knows your words are?
You tell lies because you want everyone to believe them and
live the way you do. You people are a plague on humanity and
I pray that you will all one day find the Lord and live in
his good graces.
Thank you for your time.
All My Love
RESPONDS: Dear Chris, thank you for your kind
words, especially the part about me being a plague on humanity.
I'm sure your minister will be pleased that you're spreading
the good word in such a fashion. You know what though, you
really got me thinking about myself and the way I've lived
my life up to this point, and you're right - I'm just an evil,
evil person. So now we've got that out of the way, I'd like
to suggest that you take all your love and hope, and plug
it firmly - firmly, mind you - in your rectum.
Sent: Friday, July 25, 2003 1:04 AM
are absolute morons. please leave my country.
RESPONDS: I can only assume that you're writing
Are Getting Sleepy
Sent: Sunday, July 27, 2003 3:34 PM
socialism, communism: the Political Axis of Evil. Read Ann
Coulter and turn from your anti-American ways.
RESPONDS: Liberalism, socialism, communism:
the Political Axis of Evil. Read Ann Coulter and turn from
your anti-American ways. Liberalism, socialism, communism:
the Political Axis of Evil. Read Ann Coulter and turn from
your anti-American ways. Liberalism, socialism, communism:
the Political Axis of Evil. Read Ann Coulter and turn from
your anti-American ways. liberalism... socialism... communism...
liberalism... socialism... communism... Aaah! Resistance is
futile! This dittohead's brainwashing technique is just TOO
DAMN GOOD! Must... fight............!
Somebody Think Of The Children?
Sent: Saturday, July 26, 2003 12:20 AM
Subject: you are not logical
am an a 12 year old child who's dream is to be the president
and let me say you take food of my plate by supporting the
rasie of taxes. you just a bunch of people that will ruin
my beautiful homeland called the U.S.A and you have bad belifes.
Clinton is a pervert and jimmy carter is insane. During the
senate elections a c.n.n (communist news network) reporter
put a trash can over his head to hide his tears wich is very
pathietic like all libearls. the military hates you i hate
you and my town hates you. Please mail back.All in all your
belifes are irlogical
RESPONDS: Thanks Dylan, you've made my day!
My favorite hate mails of all time are the ones from middle-aged
alcoholics who pretend to be twelve years old in order to
cover up their functional illiteracy. Boy, do you look stupid!
Laugh A Minute
To Be Announced
Sent: Saturday, July 26, 2003 4:57 PM
har de har
har no ideas, no balls, nothing to run on........
W will crush
you in 04, get ready for the gulags!!!!!
Yes we stole
the election, we are coming for you daughters next!!!!!!!!
RESPONDS: I'll let my daughter know you're on
the way - I'm sure she'll be thoroughly impressed by your
sloping forehead and tiny penis.
Many Times Do I Have To Tell You, It's All Bill Clinton's
Sent: Monday, July 28, 2003 6:54 PM
Subject: your page
your page often. Usually to find funny things to use as cannon
fodder on my page, but it's always good for a laugh. But,
getting serious here, I would like your opinion on a little
report called "Operation Bojinka". I'm sure you've heard of
it. It's that little report that Clinton not only ignored
but had Dale Watson, chief of the FBI's International Terrorism
Operations Section testifying before the Senate Judiciary
Committee in February 1998, leave out a rather important piece
of known information, such as the terrorist plots to hijack
planes and fly them into our buildings. He identified Operation
Bojinka only as a plot to blow up U.S. air carriers, and assured
the senators that the FBI had the situation under control."
This is but one instance of Bill Clinton turning a blind and
corrupt eye to foreign terrorists threats to the U.S. I mean
it's quite embarrassing to have cops in the Philippines predicting
the 9/11 attack while the Clinton Adminstration failed to
even pass on this little bit of news to the new Bush Administration.
The reason he did not pass it on is obvious. If he did, he
would be asked why he did nothing about it. Can't have that
why are you guys always begging for money. Don't you have
RESPONDS: Well spotted - actually we don't have
jobs. We're all on the government payroll, along with our
seventeen children (the ones we didn't have aborted) and crack-addicted
gay lovers. We literally take your paycheck, which you no
doubt earn putting in a daily sixteen-hour shift down the
local mine shaft, and snort it up our noses while bathing
in champagne, lunching on foie gras and tittering at our own
cleverness. Then, in the afternoon, we prostrate ourselves
before a 20-foot-tall taxpayer-funded golden statue of Bill
Clinton's cock. Clinton's Magical Golden Cock then confuses
the minds of Bush Administration officials, which is why Condoleezza
Rice said of 9/11 "I don't think anybody could have predicted
that these people would take an airplane and slam it into
the World Trade Center, take another one and slam it into
the Pentagon" despite the fact that they were actually
testing this very theory ON September 11 IN THE PENTAGON.
Sent: Friday, July 25, 2003 5:39 PM
Subject: Talk about hypocrites
I found your site, thinking it was pretty nice. I posted a
message, and was BANNED solely for being conservative. Whatever
happened to that Freedom of Speech thing so many people on
your site were whining about? Hmmm, I guess that only applies
to those who agree with you right? Let me guess, you're a
card-carrying member of the ACLU right? Talk about totalitarinism,
then you all have the gall to bash Bush for what you consider
to be the same type of behavior. You are a joke, and you are
why intelligent liberals are finding it hard to be taken seriously.
You ban conservatives because you don't want to take the risk
of being proven wrong on anything. That's fine, continue your
pansy "shout from the rooftop but run if they get close" behavior.
I'd like to be reinstated, but I seriously doubt you'd have
enough common decency to admit wrongdoing. Have a nice day
you loudmouth wimps.
Oh, my user
name was brianm.
RESPONDS: Brian, I must apologize. I understand
that being banned from a left-wing website that specifically
states NO CONSERVATIVES at the front door, for which you registered
despite the fact that you ARE a conservative - and clearly
a rude and condescending asshole to boot - must have been
emotionally draining for you. Given the fact that you were
obviously not in your right mind when you wrote your email,
I must express my sincere remorse for our behavior, and I
will reinstate your posting privileges immediately. Actually
I'm kidding. Fuck off, jackhole.
Not To Get Your Account Reinstated
"Dennis -------" <------@-------.org>
Sent: Thursday, July 24, 2003 3:08 PM
Subject: Why was I revoked?
I am repulsed by you demonratic slime, doesn't mean I should
be revoked. Jesus H Christ I can't help it for being anti-Liberal.
You guys just make it so easy. Hey you might as well give
up on the 2004 elections. Not even the HILDEBEAST can save
your party now!
Proud Member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.
RESPONDS: Best wishes to you, Dennis! Keep fighting
the good fight, and make sure you don't slip in your own drool
or trip over your knuckles!
On Now, It's Only A Message Board
"Charles -------" <---------@hotmail.com>
Friday, July 25, 2003 3:35 PM
work deleting my posts. I guess my comments were double plus
ungood making me an unperson - never existed. Orwell would
guys are frightened of a world run by conservatives? They
may not be perfect, but they don't tend to censor and muzzle
dissent (yes, yes they would censor porn and other arts in
the name of decency, but not political debate...). But then
all great foes of the US way of life in the late 20th century
have been quite effective at quashing dissent - Stalin, Castro,
Hussein, Pol Pot. Instead of torture and murder, it's speech
codes on campus, shrieking "racism" at alternative views,
mandated "re-education" for those accused of dissent. You
make me think that much like the Wizard of Oz your ideals
wouldn't stand up to quick peek behind the curtain.
I do enjoy sparring with folks on political matters but don't
want to be resigned to "Right on, brother!" as my response
to every topic. My opinions may seem a bit harsh and crudely
stated, but the substance behind them is subject for debate,
not classification as an unperson...
RESPONDS: Stalin, Castro, Hussein, Pol Pot,
Democratic Underground. Yup, I can see how you could get the
five of us confused. Say, have you considered applying for
a job doing research for Ann Coulter? I hear she's looking
for someone suffering from paranoid delusions with a talent
for brainless hyperbole. You know, just to round out the team.
You'd be perfect.
I. M. Shaw
Sent: Friday, July 18, 2003 8:21 PM
I have been
lurking since before you got the new software, and I am sure
I have followed all the rules.
my real name, I am from Nigera.
RESPONDS: My apologies, Mr. Jablome. It's just
that, well, this is kinda embarrassing, but your name sounds
like "Hey would ya blow me." So I automatically assumed that
you were playing a joke, by suggesting that you wanted me
to "blow you." However, since you're from Nigeria, and without
further information I can only assume that Heywood Jablome
is an all-too-common name there, I must have been mistaken.
Boy, do I feel stupid. See, I thought you were suggesting
that I should "blow you." But you were not at all suggesting
that I should "blow you," it's just that your real name actually
sounds like "Hey would ya blow me." I've gotta say, that must
have been pretty tough for you growing up - although perhaps
in Nigeria the phrase "Hey would ya blow me" doesn't have
quite the same impact as it does here. Let me assure that
if you'd grown up in the United States with a name that sounds
like "Hey would ya blow me" you would have received daily
beatings from your peers, and I'm sure that never happened
to you. You know, you could probably go on tour with a name
like that - "Caesar's Palace welcomes the Amazing Heywood
Jablome! His real name actually sounds like hey would ya blow
me! Roll up, roll up!" Man, you could make a fortune. Do you
need an agent?
Hate Mailbag Index