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Legitimate sympathy or compassion versus feeling "sorry for", vice versa

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CommonSensePLZ Donating Member (606 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-19-11 10:35 AM
Original message
Legitimate sympathy or compassion versus feeling "sorry for", vice versa
No, this is not about Japan, although that issue could be used as an example.

Here is something life has taught me. Often when people show "sympathy", or one of it's synonym it's fake and they might not even be aware of it. What they see is the issue, the situation, the problem and they see it afflicting someone or something and that powerlessness of the afflicted makes them sad. So maybe they'll do something, throw a buck that way, say some kind-sounding words. But they aren't doing it to help the afflicted, they're doing to help themselves. They're doing it to do what they feel they can to end or cease that negative reality they have been confronted with because it makes them feel uncomfortable. But truthfully they don't really care about the person who IS afflicted.

A book I once read is a demonstration of this somewhat, the Walter Dean Myers book Monster. In this story (white texted for spoilers) a young man is accused of a crime, and when the trial is over he goes to hug his lawyer, who he's had many meetings with but she pushes him away and he is left dumbfounded.

This is a lesson life has taught me also: Just because someone feels sorry for your situation does NOT mean they're you're friend and it certainly doesn't mean they're going to still care after your problems have been resolved. You just become another face to them at that point. Before, they subconsciously put themselves above you because you were at their mercy. But now that you're just another anybody else they no longer care, because they only cared about the problem in the first place, and that hasn't changed.

Here's how I see it: True sympathy or compassion is something people tend to feel for their close relatives. Because they have a bond the person will legitimately want to see that person get better, although it will still be for unconscious selfish reasons - That they want that relative they love and have such good times with to continue to be there to provide them with good times.

Fake sympathy is the case I described above, and maybe something like this: Say you see a vagrant (okay, homeless person, no need for the big words lol) and you give them some money because you really feel sad about how beat up they look. A month later that person confronts you and thanks you, but they look healthier, they got a job, a new home, new clothes and a nice smile. How do you feel? Mildly happy that their situation is better and a bit freaked out by being confronted by a stranger unexpectantly. But do you feel like you could be this person's friend? Would you invite him to dinner and try to get to know him? No! Because you never really cared about him, you just felt sorry for him. If he were to suggest such ideas to you you'd give him some fake excuse, a fake phone number, email address or Facebook account to get rid of him. You might go so far as to justify your aloofness by telling yourself "Oh, he's ok now, he'll make new friends" and move on to the next thing quickly as you can before your conscience can strangle you for swallowing such bull.

So that's how I see it, now how about you? And to whoever will be the first to post "just because that's how you are" to me - No, this is how it just seems people do.
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dkf Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-19-11 10:45 AM
Response to Original message
1. But if a baby falls down and you want to comfort him it's certainly not to make you feel better
Is it? Is that the difference you are talking about?
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CommonSensePLZ Donating Member (606 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-19-11 10:47 AM
Response to Reply #1
2. This is more socially I meant.
Maybe I should've been more specific.
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dkf Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-19-11 11:02 AM
Response to Reply #2
7. This is what makes me suspicious of some people's compassion.
They can see someone shivering under a bridge, realize they are homeless, realize they personally have a nice jacket that keeps them warm, walk away from the person shivering, and then express outrage at the situation the poor homeless person is in.

So much of what I see demanded necessitates other people providing for those who are suffering. That surely demonstrates a lack of compassion, no?
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CommonSensePLZ Donating Member (606 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-19-11 11:10 AM
Response to Reply #7
10. Oh yes
Edited on Sat Mar-19-11 11:13 AM by CommonSensePLZ
I know that situation. I've known many people over the years who say "No, don't give the homeless any money, they'll just use it for drugs." In that case a person might not do it because it seems pointless - a jacket won't warm a person up like a warm room so they just leave and do nothing in apathy giving up without trying because they feel helpless.

There's so many homeless people now I'm at a loss for what I can do. Sometimes I might recommend a shelter or a pantry, but aye! What can be done for each and every one if I see them on the street and if they don't take my advice? :(
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cali Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-19-11 10:53 AM
Response to Original message
3. I'm sorry, but I think your post is deeply silly.
people are complex, and any urge to help others is a good thing. Furthermore, we don't know a person half a world away in dire circumstances so the help we offer does most often come from the feeling of "there but for fortune". That's called empathy and there sure as hell isn't anything wrong with that.

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CommonSensePLZ Donating Member (606 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-19-11 10:56 AM
Response to Reply #3
4. I'm aware of what empathy is
Edited on Sat Mar-19-11 10:58 AM by CommonSensePLZ
My point is though that people tend to be very shallow about empathy. As soon as the problem is done they no longer see a point to care about their fellow humans and I think that IS a bad thing. Empathy just to make you feel good about yourself is not equality or universalism.
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cali Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-19-11 11:02 AM
Response to Reply #4
8. nonsense. you're confusing empathy with justice and equality.
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CommonSensePLZ Donating Member (606 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-19-11 11:04 AM
Response to Reply #8
9. Empathy is
The ability to yourself in another's shoes, to be able to "feel their pain" - literally, if you believe in psychic-ism.
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Rex Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-19-11 11:39 AM
Response to Reply #9
14. Actually you don't have to believe in ESP to feel empathy
it is SHARING in the pain or misfortune of other sentient beings. You don't need telekwhatits to 'feel' anothers suffering, but you are not feeling their actual pain.
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bluerum Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-19-11 10:57 AM
Response to Original message
5. Spout bilious drivel. Take up space.
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CommonSensePLZ Donating Member (606 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-19-11 10:59 AM
Response to Reply #5
6. You idiot. This is melancholic not bilious!
:)
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The Velveteen Ocelot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-19-11 11:15 AM
Response to Original message
11. If I see a homeless person and give him $5 so he can buy a sandwich
what does my motivation matter to him? He has some money for food, which is what he needs at that moment. I doubt he will care much whether my feelings about helping him were sincere or merely shallow. Seems to me that the action is what is important.
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rucky Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-19-11 11:18 AM
Response to Original message
12. When it comes to helping people...
I mean really helping - with the help they need and not the help you think they need - I don't think the motivation matters that much as long as the ends are met.

The other side of the coin is that if you get in, help, and get out, you can help more people and there's no obligation to reciprocate somehow as there sometimes is in a lingering relationship.
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I Have A Dream Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-19-11 11:27 AM
Response to Original message
13. Honestly, what you're saying doesn't make any sense to me.
What does having a sincere desire to help someone who is suffering have to do with then wanting to be friends with that person? Why is that a requirement for a charitable/compassionate act to be deemed a worthy act? That person is an individual and I'm an individual, each with our own personalities. You either click or you don't. My not wanting to be up-close-and-personal friends with every person who I might help over the course of my life doesn't mean that I don't care that they're suffering. When they're no longer suffering, I'm happy for them, and I wish them a long and happy life. The removal of suffering is what is important to me.

I agree that when I help someone else, it's in part to make myself feel better. I have no problem with that. I consider it to be a good thing that I care enough to not feel good when someone is suffering. Isn't that better than the alternative?

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emulatorloo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-19-11 12:24 PM
Response to Original message
15. People trying to help other people is good n/t
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