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CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:13 PM
Original message
Can parents close their child's Facebook account?
My granddaughter, age 12, has always been a good student until the past 6 months or so. She is not doing homework, or doing it poorly, and her grades have slipped badly. All she wants to do is go on Facebook and other distractions.

Surely, there is some way a parent can just yank the Facebook away if, after repeated tries to have her do homework, and do it well, before she goes on Facebook. That hasn't worked.

Children are not allowed to buy cigarettes or drink in bars...so...
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Alenne Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:15 PM
Response to Original message
1. If you know her password, change it.
It would be easier to restrict her time on the internet.
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JI7 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:16 PM
Response to Reply #1
3. couldn't she just open up another account ?
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Alenne Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:45 PM
Response to Reply #3
32. Yes, she could.
That's why I think they should not let her on the computer.
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Drale Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:15 PM
Response to Original message
2. Are you sure it's about facebook and
not about a boy? 12 might seems young to be worried about stuff like that, but in 6th and 7th grade people around me where alright starting to date.
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OmahaBlueDog Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:16 PM
Response to Original message
4. If they were smart and got all the passwords, yes, but ....
Edited on Sun Mar-06-11 04:29 PM by OmahaBlueDog
...it likely won't stop her from opening another account.

Move the computer to a public part of the house. No homework = No computer. Until the grades come up - no computer during the week; once the grades are up, computer use with time limits. How long depends on the grades.

Windows 7 and Vista have ways a parent can program in time restrictions.

There are also ways to block sites. Many books are out there to tell parents how to do this.
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sufrommich Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:17 PM
Response to Original message
5. Does she have her own email account? 12 year olds should
really have to sign up for Facebook using their parents account,then it's pretty easy to delete their account.
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proud2BlibKansan Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:37 PM
Response to Reply #5
27. Most schools are setting up email accounts for kids
I teach elementary school and most of our 5th and 6th graders have a Yahoo or other email account.
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JVS Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:17 PM
Response to Original message
6. If you can get the kid to tell you the password.
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pnwmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:17 PM
Response to Original message
7. If she won't tell them her password, I don't know how they could.
The only thing they can do is monitor her when she's using the computer. There are unlimited ways to waste time on a computer -- ban her from Facebook and she'll probably just shift to other sites. That is, unless you restrict her computer use in general.
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SoCalDem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:17 PM
Response to Original message
8. Isn't there a minimum age?
If she's under that age, they probably have to close the account..but the stuff she already posted is still there on the accounts of the people she interacted with..

The next 6 years will be a real trial for her family...courage :hug:

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TransitJohn Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:18 PM
Response to Original message
9. Tell facebook she's 12, and they should suspend the account.
Age limit is 14.
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nessa Donating Member (141 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:18 PM
Response to Original message
10. You are not allowed to have a FB account if you are under 13..
"No information from children under age 13. If you are under age 13, please do not attempt to register for Facebook or provide any personal information about yourself to us. If we learn that we have collected personal information from a child under age 13, we will delete that information as quickly as possible. If you believe that we might have any information from a child under age 13, please contact us through this help page.

Parental participation. We strongly recommend that minors 13 years of age or older ask their parents for permission before sending any information about themselves to anyone over the Internet and we encourage parents to teach their children about safe internet use practices. Materials to help parents talk to their children about safe internet use can be found on this help page".

http://www.facebook.com/policy.php
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nessa Donating Member (141 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:21 PM
Response to Reply #10
14. Of course if she did this without permission, She will probably do it again..
They need to control the computer better. Keep it in a public area of the home and keep an eye on what she's doing, only allow use for homework. Take the plug, mouse, keyboard or other crucial component if she is going to be home alone.
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seabeyond Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:19 PM
Response to Original message
11. surely if you tell kids, off puter, they are off. what does it say if a 12 yr old
ignores. if child puts on another facebook then the damn computer would be out of the room until summer. no messin. parents the boss.
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Fearless Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:20 PM
Response to Original message
12. From an educator, Facebook isn't the problem.
Edited on Sun Mar-06-11 04:34 PM by Fearless
If the firm expectation is that she will do her homework, she will do it first. You can take away things all you want, but she will find something to fill her time. She will best respond if the good pattern of doing homework first is developed. The parent may have to stand over her the first few weeks even to defeat the old pattern. But developing good study habits require focus on what she isn't doing (the homework) not what she is doing (Facebook et. al.). If it is an issue of the parent not being able to be present while the child is doing homework, another older relative or neighbor may do as well or if the school has an after school program catered towards homework help that may be of use too.

In the end, we always blame what children find to do in lieu of something else, but we need to focus on what they're not doing and correct that behavior. Literally monitoring her as she does her work, sitting her down and saying directly that this is what we're doing from now on because Parent X or Y wants their child to succeed, and *sticking to it* day in and day out even if she throws a tantrum. In short (apologies for the length), focus on building good behaviors not just knocking out old bad ones which will be replaced by new bad ones.

EDIT: Just after reading the other posts. For god's sakes don't treat her like a prisoner in her own home! It will lead her to leave the home looking for whatever may suit her fancy. Take your pick of what that may be. Rebellion is strongest in families where the rules are illogically harsh. Yes, ensure that children are safe on the Internet, but hiding keyboards? Seriously? You will drive the child to a friend's house. Treat her with respect. Trust her to do the right thing. Adequately punish if she doesn't, but not before she does something. If you smother a child you will lose the child. A child needs to make mistakes to learn from them. Reasoned discussion (that's a two-way talk, incidentally) about the homework policy and WHY it is so and then letter-of-the-law enforcement of it is the only way to go. If a parent acts irrationally towards their child, the child will act out against the parent.
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FLPanhandle Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:29 PM
Response to Reply #12
17. I agree
There are a thousand distractions out there. If it's not Facebook, it'll be something else until the behavior and expectations are changed.
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CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:32 PM
Response to Reply #12
19. This is odd. Years of her being a diligent student, just naturally.
With two other kids and their varying schedules and demands, it has been difficult to always be with her the entire time when she's home from school. When forced to do homework, she does shoddy work (again, not like she was in the past!)and is told she has to do it again.

At the risk of sounding like an old fogey, which of course I am as a grandma, it never occurred to me, at age 12, to watch TV and neglect my homework because my parents wrath would have been (to me at the time) unbearable.

this doesn't appear to be a bullying issue, just a "wanting to fit in" issue so common to adolescents just entering puberty. But she does have an older sibling that has been getting quite a bit of attention lately due to her ADD. I'm wondering if that has something to do with it...

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Fearless Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:40 PM
Response to Reply #19
30. She may indeed be feeling left out
Edited on Sun Mar-06-11 04:43 PM by Fearless
Or jealous. Maybe talking about it with her would be a good start as well. Ask her how she feels about it. Or if she isn't likely to respond to that kind of direct conversation, maybe the family should do something she wants to do, maybe asking her if there is something she'd really like for dinner, or something along those lines that everyone takes part in but that she chooses (making her the center of attention for a little bit).

More than anything, it's true that times have changed; teenage consumerism especially has opened doors for children that they have never had before. But that shouldn't be a problem, if they can learn to budget their time well. Of course, we have to model that for our children, which with our hectic schedules can be daunting at times!

Edit: Reading the other responses further... It may in fact be boys too. She's about that age. Or just friends. If she isn't really the social type, maybe she's starting to come out of her shell. Or maybe she's realized that boys exist, in which case she's entering a very confusing time in life. Dialog would be important, but asking her this would likely repel her. Perhaps a "when I was your age" line of dialog would help, granted she'll probably still be embarrassed. But that's life.
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CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:58 PM
Response to Reply #30
36. Her physical appearance has dramatically changed with adolescence.
She always had a little more baby fat than her two sisters but about a year ago she grew taller and thinned out a fair amount (she is active in sports). Her face now has classic cheekbones and, at the risk of sounding like a real grandma, I will say she is stunning looking. I have noticed that she was embarrassed at being told this initially, but I am wondering if now she thinks of herself as some kind of glamorous icon, since the parents of her friends comment on this to my daughter. That and her budding body might be something that she worries about and doesn't talk about...it certainly isn't something she had to worry about when she was 8, 9, or 10...and anyway, why is that a worry?
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Fearless Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 05:47 PM
Response to Reply #36
41. Indeed.
There's nothing to worry about, teens just need to get used to themselves and gain self confidence. No doubt she will, or has. There is a lot of growing to be done. And there's not a thing wrong with that, you are definitely right.
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CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 05:54 PM
Response to Reply #41
42. Oh, thank you. I was beginning to have dark thoughts about possible abuse situations
because the fathers of her friends were making some remarks that might be interpreted as threatening in a strange way to her.

Just from my perspective, she has grown more aloof to adults, me included, and kind of remote. I think it is adolescence.

Thanks for your help. I appreciate it!
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Fearless Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 08:56 PM
Response to Reply #42
68. You're quite welcome!
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haele Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 05:12 PM
Response to Reply #19
39. Sounds like it with our kid -
Especially if she's had it easy before and doesn't really understand she can't just "do it" and goof off the rest of the time as she used to. At twelve, she's still thinking in black and white terms and her world is still pretty small, but hormones are starting to kick in with all their power and urges. If she never really had to exert control over her actions, she has no clue how to handle those feelings and urges.
She's probably just becoming aware that she has power of her own because she's no longer the small one.

She probably thinks she's all grown up because she thinks she knows what grown-ups do and she has all these powerful feelings like grown ups do that must mean she's grown up.
And of course, her friends. Who always seem to have it so much easier than she does.

And of course, she still probably wants to be babied at times. If you can't read her mind and don't pay attention to her when she wants you to, she'll feel like you don't care, and to some kids, that means you probably need to be punished.

Good luck, tweenage can be terrible, especially for girls - because modern society has aimed to condition girls not to explore and possibly get banged up a little, but to desire to be "princesses" with their perfect princess life. If she's spending her life on Facebook, she's probably also becoming passive. Does she have any hobbies or responsibilities that take her out of the house and actually get her to accomplish something? If she doesn't, she could be heading towards aimless slacker-dom.

And if she has an older sibling with ADD, she may need to be checked for that herself. And be aware that ADD with a bit of depression often seems to be Bi-Polar and vice-versa.

Just my experience. If you can get her turned and into some activity that's productive rather than sitting around and gossiping like Facebook-world, you'd probably only go through two or three years of hell instead of the five to seven years of hell parents of most petulant, aimless, passive-aggressive girls who used to be clever and happy are going through.

Haele
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CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 06:00 PM
Response to Reply #39
45. It's horrible to see this change! She was so charged up not that long ago.
She loved life and welcomed challenges and now she's passive and non responsive to any challenge.

Perhaps it has to do with her unwillingness to go INTO adolescence. I remember feeling in charge of my life one day and confused and unhappy the next, when I went into puberty! It's not easy. I wish I knew how to make it not easy, or to make it easier to transition...
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Iris Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 10:20 PM
Response to Reply #45
72. Isn't 12 the age when a lot of girls kind of withdraw?
She may grow out of it. The middle school years are pretty awful for most everyone.
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jwirr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 06:14 PM
Response to Reply #12
51. An educator indeed. That is wise advise.
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FLAprogressive Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:21 PM
Response to Original message
13. She's not allowed to be on fb if she's under 13.
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Rex Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:26 PM
Response to Original message
15. Yes if they are under 16.
Or is it 18? Facebook is an adult site and kids need to be monitored to make sure they don't get to obsessed with The Facebook.
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ProgressiveProfessor Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:29 PM
Response to Original message
16. block facebook at the DNS level
Not all that hard. Helped many parents do it over the years. Method varies with the OS. AIM was a little harder. There should also be a way to do it at the router.

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madinmaryland Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:31 PM
Response to Original message
18. Disconnect the internet connection to her computer. Problem solved.
Edited on Sun Mar-06-11 04:32 PM by madinmaryland
I've done that a couple of times to my daughter (8th grade). Shut the router/modem off and she is SOL!
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dipsydoodle Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:32 PM
Response to Original message
20. Minimum age for facebook is thirteen.
.
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KurtNYC Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:33 PM
Response to Original message
21. maybe facebook is a symptom and not the real problem
sounds like she has discovered boys.

Maybe you make a deal -- for example: 2 hours of homework = 2 hours of facebook
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CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 06:02 PM
Response to Reply #21
46. My daughter has tried that, but she just does shoddy work and she says she's done.
My daughter tells her that unacceptable, but...it's always a fight. Everything is a fight...

I think we're in for a long haul, here...
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ejpoeta Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:34 PM
Response to Original message
22. technically you have to be 13 to have an account. if you really want her off of there,
i bet sending an email to facebook telling them she lied when she signed up would get it off of there sure enough.
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Xenotime Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:35 PM
Response to Original message
23. No. She should be free to choose what she wants to do.
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seabeyond Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:35 PM
Response to Original message
24. also ct.... 12, 13 is when courses get tougher, teacher have higher expectation of kids,
and kids start putting social over school losing fear of parents and failure. lol. this is the time to get hold of it. reinforcing good study habits. what i found with both kids.... and have heard from others.
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proud2BlibKansan Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:36 PM
Response to Original message
25. Supposedly you have to be 14 to have a Facebook page
We've had problems with our 6th graders at school with Facebook. It's a mess. Wish I knew what to tell you. But we did find out you have to be 14 and we are telling parents that. Don't know if they are able to get their kids off though.

If I find anything more out, I'll PM you. :hi:
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benld74 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:37 PM
Response to Original message
26. When my daughter was 13, I contacted Facebook telling them so, and they deleted it
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dems_rightnow Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:38 PM
Response to Original message
28. Don't pay the electric bill.
Given that exerting their authority as parents seems too difficult.
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fittosurvive Donating Member (538 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:39 PM
Response to Original message
29. Try one of these...
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WHEN CRABS ROAR Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:44 PM
Response to Original message
31. Sounds familiar, watching to much TV, going on DU, oh wait !
That's me. When at younger ages, children should be watched over or managed for their own good and doing that is a fine art. It's called raising, and part of that is self control, just like anger management it has to be developed and taught.
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CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:59 PM
Response to Reply #31
37. don't talk to me about an addiction to DU! I'm GUILTY, but I'm retired so
hey, give Granny a break, OK?
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cbdo2007 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:45 PM
Response to Original message
33. Her parents can stop her from using the computer.
Edited on Sun Mar-06-11 04:56 PM by cbdo2007
Why isn't that a possibility?

My kids don't do anything online at our house without my knowledge and I know all of their passwords and have access to everything. A 12 year old doesn't need privacy when it comes to the internet because they aren't smart or mature enough to know how to protect themselves and to limit their use. I know a 30 year old who doesn't know how to limit her Facebook usage and lost her job over it, so I'm not sure why anything thinks a 12 year old is old enough to have that kind of responsibility.

I like how you made Facebook the problem rather than the parents.
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goddess40 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 07:05 PM
Response to Reply #33
61. I would change your "doesn't need" to "shouldn't have"
Kids computer time at home should be very open to parents looking over their shoulders. At 12 I don't think they should have any secret passwords to anything that has internet access too many predators out there.
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OneTenthofOnePercent Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:53 PM
Response to Original message
34. Absolutely. nt
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Rabrrrrrr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 04:56 PM
Response to Original message
35. Sure - part of parenting is being a fucking parent, not a kid's "best fucking friend".
Total no-brainer question.

Though a better solution than just closing facebook and thinking that's gonna solve the problem is to address what the kid's actual problem is. It's not facebook per se, but something else - a hole which facebook is filling.
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BillyJack Donating Member (653 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 05:09 PM
Response to Original message
38. When I encountered this problem with my kids, I used to unplug the router in the house
My kids knew NOTHING about routers or that we had one/how they worked/what they were for.

I just unplugged it and blamed the lack of connectivity on that stupid AT&T must be having another outage! Funny how it usually happened with regularity after dinner (when they would normally do their homework) - stupid AT&T.

:evilgrin:
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Not Me Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 05:54 PM
Response to Reply #38
43. Read your router instructions...
you can block domains (facebook.com) with the admin password.
I block a couple sites including foxnews.com ;)
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CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 05:55 PM
Response to Reply #38
44. I LOVE it! What a great idea!
Thank you for a brilliant idea!
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catabryna Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 05:46 PM
Response to Original message
40. Internet authentication for minors is easily bypassed...
Edited on Sun Mar-06-11 05:53 PM by catabryna
it's up to their parents. It's not your place. Talk to mom or dad.

ETA: if mom or dad aren't interested... then you need to back off. Moms and dad wield lots of power... perhaps they don't want to wield that power to you?
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CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 06:07 PM
Response to Reply #40
48. No, they have sought my advice. I would never intervene in something like this on my own.
It's the reason I asked on DU. I don't know how parents can do this. I wanted to suggest this. I haven't had the chance to talk to my dtr again today but I will ask. That was the point of my post.

My dtr definitely wants to talk about this with me. She said so. It's a matter of her time. I have a lot of it, being retired. She has limited time, with 3 kids!
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cbdo2007 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 06:13 PM
Response to Reply #48
50. Why don't the parents just tell the kid to not use Facebook....
and then punish her when she does?

This is really strange, even more so now that we know your daughter is asking for your advice because she doesn't want to deal with the problem. It's also interesting to note that the ideas you're most interested in are also only ones that do not address the problem, they dance around it.
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CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 06:22 PM
Response to Reply #50
52. Well, I won't take offense to your suggestion that I am not interested in ones
that address the problem, but I will say that my dtr has tried your suggestion and it has not worked well. My idea is to then cut off the Facebook itself, as one of only many suggestions.

I think there may be value in disconnecting the kids' computer but that denies the other siblings of their access, unless special access is allowed on their parent's computer, which is fine too.

I KNOW, not think, my daughter is asking for advice because she has tried the denial of Internet to my granddaughter until her homework is done.The only problem occurs when dtr has to go out to pick up another sibling and then the slippage occurs. It is maddening.

Don't you see it is one thing to "tellthe kid not to use Facebook" and another to enforce it if the kid "does" the homework and it is shoddy? Especially with a kid that used to consistently be at the top of her class in effort, intelligence and enthusiasm? Why would I go on DU if it were easily resolved?
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catabryna Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 06:23 PM
Response to Reply #48
53. I am lucky... if you could call me that...
I am able to be home with my kid. His computer is across the room from me. He's ten, and he's autistic. If I don't like it, I make him shut it off. If your daughter is working... she still has the power to unplug it... and the cell phone, and everything else.

She has all the time in the world to unplug and put it in the trunk of her car, or whatever. That takes no effort at all. She just doesn't want to deal with her whining child.
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CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 06:33 PM
Response to Reply #53
54. Well, I asked for some solutions. I guess I didn't expect to have this kind of
hurled accusations (completely unjustified) at my daughter. That's not my style, and I am disappointed that SOME so-called progressives are reacting in such an ill mannered way. Really. I was brought up not to be so ill mannered.

I should probably not even respond to your post but I will say that I am sorry for whatever occurrence in your life has caused you to react strangely to my post and interpret this as an attack on my daughter's parenting per se. I will of course refrain on posting my reacting to it.

Let me just say that my daughter has 2 other girls and devotes her life to them. She is blessed that she doesn't have to work outside of the home but she devotes a great deal of time to parenting them. I don't know why even the suggestion of that annoys you, but it is your problem, not mine or hers. I was simply asking for some information about how other parents have dealt with this.
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catabryna Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 06:45 PM
Response to Reply #54
57. I'm not trying to be mean...
Edited on Sun Mar-06-11 07:01 PM by catabryna
I'm just saying... your daughter needs to take charge. I am not angry, I'm not lashing out at you or your daughter. Parenting is hard work, and sometimes you just have to take a hard line. I have son. My sister has five kids. Three daughters, two sons. Three of them are teenagers. She has had to deal with this in the past and I was living with her at the time. She let them badger her to death. I love my sister, and I love my nieces and nephews, I love them to pieces... but, when I tried to help, she really didn't want it. She just pretended to. I just don't want to see you used in the same way.

Please, take it in the spirit in which I mean it. :)

PS: Don't attack me as being "somewhat" "less progressive" because you don't like my opinion. That is not fair. I'm more progressive than my sister who was a Bush and McCain lover!
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CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 07:48 PM
Response to Reply #57
66. all right, you seem to be receptive. I will accept that. We are struggling with this and it is
difficult and disappointing since this child was so spontaneously attentive and inquisitive and a great learner. What a disappointment!

We will keep on, however, even tho my daughter has "taken charge." It's just that sometimes she can't stand over her for hours every day when she has two other girls that have needs as well. I wish you could understand how that gets in the way of "taking charge." It's not like she doesn't do what she can...sheesh...
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catabryna Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 08:53 PM
Response to Reply #66
67. That child is not a disappointment...
he/she is a kid. I'm not trying to be receptive. Why? Because, I'm always receptive. I'm not an expert but, I really do understand. I grew up in a home with three girls and one boy; and a single mom. I am the oldest; I grew up before any kid should have to. It really does affect the way I think. I also didn't become a mom until my 37th birthday and I had to travel half-way around the world for that to happen.

Just the right amount of new-fangled goodness, and old-fashioned silliness.

:hi:
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Versailles Donating Member (384 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 06:07 PM
Response to Original message
47. A thought...
There is software out there, and I don't know enough about it to speak accurately as to effectiveness or pricing, that will allow you to limit computer usage to certain times of the day or for a predetermined amount of time each day. Most are designed for non-technical users.

If you are a little more technical minded, you can set up a user account on the computer and limit the usage via your router or server - much like we do at the library. We have certain sites that are blacklisted when a patron logs into the server...granted a fairly tech savvy teen could probably figure out how to set up a proxy and bypass etc., but a little reading can determine how to avoid that particular work around.
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CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 06:09 PM
Response to Reply #47
49. what a great idea! I will mention it to my dtr! It would be a real boon to her!
Thank you!
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CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 06:56 PM
Response to Reply #47
58. My dtr is pretty tech minded and she may be able to do this. It's a good idea...
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Versailles Donating Member (384 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 09:13 PM
Response to Reply #58
69. Glad I could offer an idea!
I know that keeping kids off facebook and other distraction sites was extremely difficult in my classroom when I was teaching. I also ran yearbook so I had an 8 computer lab in my room and keeping the kids writing copy when facebook calls is a full time job in itself!
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Shagbark Hickory Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 06:35 PM
Response to Original message
55. Why not just take away the computer and mobile phone?
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CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 06:44 PM
Response to Reply #55
56. The computer is "shared" with her two siblings but it may be possible.
She doesn't have a mobile phone (on purpose). The Internet is the biggie for her. It's "take a way the Internet, particularly Facebook" that is the issue.

I'm beginning to think that the 10 year old and 15 year old sibling should have their stuff taken away too...I never had it, growing up in the 50s...yeah, I know I'm an old fogey...sorry, but...
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Shagbark Hickory Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 07:02 PM
Response to Reply #56
59. Closing the facebook account seems a little harsh. Let me propose another idea...
Internet addiction, be it facebook, DU, or some of the gardening forums that I log into is really the root of the matter, isn't it?
I mean, you squash the facebook. Then what? She'll find some other way to fill the void.

The best idea that I can think of is to encourage your daughter to do some other activity instead. Find some hobby or something- preferably involving exercise but anything she really enjoys other than internet and actually tell her to do this between such and such time. But tel her that she's only going to get your endorsement to do this activity if she devotes a certain amount of time to studying and homework.

I think if she could, she probably would rather be doing something else anyway, don't you? I've seen much older adults who cannot get through a day without logging into facebook a thousand times.
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CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 07:14 PM
Response to Reply #59
62. I don't know, it seems like Facebook is her big deal....
that's why I want my dtr to cut off her Facebook for the time being, at least until my granddtr straightens out and flies right!
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Shagbark Hickory Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 07:33 PM
Response to Reply #62
64. Help her find something else. Even if it costs money.
Internet addiction is bad news.
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CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 07:41 PM
Response to Reply #64
65. oh, god, this child has every advantage: music lessons, ballet, sports, plays, you name it.
Maybe it is just too much and the kid wants some peace and quiet. I dunno...
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Withywindle Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 09:48 PM
Response to Reply #65
70. That actually sounds pretty likely to me.
Is it possible that she just desperately needs something that she feels is "me time" that isn't scheduled and full of structure and expectations?

When I was her age, my homework took a dip too - didn't have the internet back then, of course, for me it was all about BOOKS. I would sneak them everywhere: in the bathroom, under the dinner table, under the school desk, with a flashlight under the covers, inside the covers of textbooks I was supposed to be reading.... Everything from sword-and-sorcery fantasy to bodice-ripper romance to non-fiction about history and music--it was all fascinating as long as it was something that no one was TELLING me to read.

And yeah, I got in trouble, and yeah, and I had them taken away, with all the screaming and crying that entailed. It wasn't til many years later that I figured out that as a gifted child with high expectations and a lot of scheduled activities, I had very very little unstructured free time when I could just exist by myself and think my own thoughts. Any hint of that was so magical and precious that I could get addicted pretty easily, so of course it became a family battleground--even though my parents were also big readers.

Facebook isn't just a chat site--people can post links to all sorts of articles and videos, about any subject, link to favorite authors and musicians and movies and political figures... The reason it's such a time-sink is that, depending on how smart and interesting your friends-of list is, it can have every bit as much to read and think about and comment on as DU does. Facebook has *content* - I actually think your daughter should ask her daughter about what on FB she's seeing that's so interesting (not in a nosy way - that will just make the girl resist). She might be surprised to learn there's more educational benefit than she might think.
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Shagbark Hickory Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 10:14 PM
Response to Reply #65
71. Could be.
Does she have any special passion for any of those in particular?
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CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-11 07:56 AM
Response to Reply #71
77. She once did. That's the thing. Something just happened to make her turn away from
what delighted her as a 9 and l0 year old. The arts, her school work, social causes (her first political poster was about Darfur when she was 5 or 6 and she did it at her Sunday religious instruction at her Reform temple).

Now it's all about her friends and just "fitting in." I realize that's a very common occurrance in young adolescents, boys and girls. But it just seems so overboard in her case...
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Dont_Bogart_the_Pretzel Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 07:04 PM
Response to Original message
60. Could look in the router for Scheduling Rule.
The Schedule configuration option is used to manage schedule rules for various firewall and parental control features.

I see one problem with unplugging the router,... if I want to surf with my laptop in the next room.
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CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 07:14 PM
Response to Reply #60
63. that's a problem in her household...
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darkstar3 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 11:12 PM
Response to Original message
73. I call it the Sunshine Policy.
I have had countless parents over the years ask me, a computer consultant, about doing something like this. Many ask about installing firewalls, others wonder about services like NetNanny, but by FAR the greatest solution to this type of internet connection abuse by children is sunshine.

Place your computer, or your child's computer, on a TV cart. When you are away, the TV cart is locked up. When you are home, the TV cart is rolled out and the computer plugged in within sight of the parents. Living rooms, dining rooms, family rooms, it doesn't matter where, the simple fact of the matter is that the child cannot access the internet physically without the supervision of the parents. (This is MUCH easier with a laptop.)

This requires nothing in the way of new technology, or vain attempts to guess what websites you'd like to block your child from accessing. You can see what they're doing, and so, if you happen to glance at the screen and not like what you see, you can take immediate action.

When parents question me about whether this violates the ideas of academic freedom or unsupervised play, I simply explain that you wouldn't let your child roam alone among strangers, and there is no place more full of strangers than the internet.

It usually works. :)
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alphafemale Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 11:18 PM
Response to Original message
74. Um...this is a child. And she has access the internet...exactly...how?
Would that be at the discretion of some adults? Maybe some adults that need to act like a fucking adult?
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donheld Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-06-11 11:37 PM
Response to Original message
75. Is your daughter not able to handle this?
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CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-11 08:05 AM
Response to Reply #75
78. She is trying hard...but there are two other girls who vy for her attention.
Carpooling and attending school events, including sports, ballet lessons...in short, all of the enrichment activities that we connect with healthy, well rounded, non obese children.

It is a well known fact that no one can be in two places at once. Dad is able to work from home a lot but he tends to be a softie. My daughter is the enforcer and there is only one of her...he DOES take some of the load off of her by planning meals, shopping for them and cooking them. They are both intensive about healthy foods and plenty of physical exercise, which as you know is more of a problem in the winter. They literally order the kids outside to ride bikes, take walks with the dogs, etc, but this is dicier in New England in the winter...
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CTyankee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-11 08:06 AM
Response to Reply #75
79. Dupe. Self delete.
Edited on Mon Mar-07-11 08:09 AM by CTyankee

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Withywindle Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-11 01:13 AM
Response to Original message
76. It actually bothers me that no one has suggested ASKING your granddaughter
why FB is so important to her.


Has anyone done this? At all? Has anyone listened to her answer and given it serious thought?


If a child feels that her parents don't care about her own thoughts and opinions, she will most certainly seek out and crave spaces where she feels her thoughts are heard (and rightly so, IMO).

Has her mother created a space where her daughter feels free to talk about what SHE needs and wants? (What tween girls want is, in my memory from when I was one, space to have psychic privacy alone, not endless scheduled supervised social activities).

I think your daughter should ask her daughter what she wants. And be willing to listen to the honest answer--maybe not give in to it, but still treat it with respect. This is what I wish my mother had done.

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