Layoffs Are Necessary If We Want To Keep The Lights On,' Says CEO Halfway Through Tasting Menu

[iandhr]

PHILADELPHIA—As the fifth plate of his 10-course, $150 prix fixe tasting menu dinner was carefully placed on the manicured table in front of him, Kohl-Strauss Media Group CEO Tom Byatt reportedly told a colleague Tuesday that in order for the company to stay afloat in this adverse economic climate, staff layoffs would likely be necessary.

"The fact of the matter is, our financial outlook is just not what it used to be, and if we want to keep the lights on, we're going to have to start making some tough choices," said Byatt, cutting into a piece of seared foie gras subsumed in a rich pheasant consommé. "Personally, I wish we could keep everybody. But unfortunately, I'm in the position of having to decide what the best direction for our company is, and I don't see any other option than reducing our overall cost structure and finding some way to trim payroll."

"It's far from an ideal situation, but we have to cut corners somewhere," Byatt added as a second waiter arrived with a $110 bottle of Château Figeac from the wine cellar. "That's just a reality of our business model."

Following a 20-minute period in which the executive and his colleague sampled a lobster broth hors d'oeuvre arriving compliments of the chef and listened to the maître d' explain how the lobster had been flown in from Maine that morning, Byatt reasoned that, although it pained him to say so, his company could definitely stand to lose about a dozen people in sales, and roughly another 15 or 20 in the marketing and production divisions.


Source:
The Onion
http://www.theonion.com/articles/layoffs-are-necessary-if-we-want-to-keep-the-light,26250/


Love it. Satire can be a powerful tool.

[ixion]

1. almost too close to reality to be satire

as in, it's pretty much spot on.

[nichomachus]

3. It's not satire

Have you ever seen the menus from the economic summit meetings? While they're deciding how much "austerity" to shove down the throats of working people to keep the banks raking in big money, they're eating like they were at Louis XVI's court.

[iandhr]

5. fair point

but its still funny.

[HughBeaumont]

2. This is satire?

Before reading the link, I seriously thought this story was real.

Is this their offical "taking down the fourth wall"?

[barbtries]

9. me too

until i saw the onion i thought it was for real.

[formercia]

4. I can walk around the corner and get that same Maine Lobstah for $3.99/lb.

For an hour's drive, I know where to get it for free, right off the boat. Being poor has its advantages.

[Angry Dragon]

6. I am on my way..................

[formercia]

8. It's called Progressive Pricing

Soak the 1% so his poor friends can eat for free.

[Old and In the Way]

7. Keep using this logic, corporate CEO's.

Eventually, you'll lay-off your way out of a viable business. And, really, isn't this the problem with corporations? Each one, individually, only answers to their BOD and shareholders. But on a macro level, their collective decisions are killing this country's economy. That's why you need a strong central government to counterbalance the provincial tendencies of individual businesses.

Hate to break it to the Republican Party, but we aren't going to tax-break our way to a healthy economy. It's going to take an active bi-partisan federal government that is willing to make the laws that benefit the consumers and workers to make corporations economically healthy again (counter-intuitive, I know.)

[joeybee12]

10. Very true...the Onion is the best...knr

[PETRUS]

11. sick, sick, sick and wrong. K&R nt