I'm 37 years old. I'm not ready to have to take care of my Mom yet.

[Maine-ah]

My Mom. I love her, she's my Mom. But shit, I'm not ready for this. I'm not prepared. We're barely taking care of ourselves and our four year old daughter.

The only sibling up here is my older brother (the other two siblings are useless, to be perfectly honest) and Dad died fifteen years ago. We're doing the best we can. Mom is not even 70 years old yet. She has some mental illness issues, physical health issues and even though perhaps it's on the mild end we also think she's a bit of a hoarder. Cats. She's down to 7. My brother has been cleaning her house this week. She let the cats take over, and has been living in her bedroom. I tried to help, but honestly the smell is intolerable for me. I left, reeking of cat piss.

We have been hunting for an apartment building, with three units. One for my family, one for my brother, and one for Mom so we can take care of her. We need to get her out of there, and we need to get rid of the damn cats. (not the cats fault, I know)

I'm not looking for advice, perhaps just a tiny rant....but shit. I'm not ready for this.

[seabeyond]

1. it sounds like you guys are doing a workable, creative plan.

get rid of the damn cats... agreed.

good lick to yawl on this and the best to you

[Maine-ah]

35. thanks, Seabeyond

and thank you to everyone else here too. I needed that little rant.

My Aunties (Mom's sisters) came up today from Massachusetts. They're helping us out, pointing us in the right direction of how to help Mom with her depression, and other issues. First thing to deal with is her depression. Which we've been trying to do, managed to finally get her on meds a month and a half ago. I'm not sure if they're working or if she's even taking them. That is where we are starting. We think once we get some kind of a handle on the depression, the other things will start working out. To me, it seems as though she's just stopped living life. Given up, and she really has so much to live for.

anyway...Thanks everyone. :hug:

[MineralMan]

2. Think about a building with four units and let a home health care

aide live in one rent-free in exchange for services. I'm sorry you're faced with this so soon. My wife and I are quite a bit older, and her mom isn't so bad, but it's still a challenge.

In any case, four-unit buildings are a lot more common.

[murielm99]

3. One of my friends had to do that when she was about

your age. It was rough for her. They did that solution, too, an apartment next door for their mother.

She had two brothers who did not pitch in. At least one had money. He threw money at the problem and thought he was a saint.

They finally sat down, and she and her husband issued an ultimatum. Everyone had to have mom live with them for six weeks at a time.

The crappy brothers agreed. I think it was mostly their wives.

They found an assisted living situation for mom in a big hurry.

My friend bore the brunt of things. But at least one of the brothers was able to help financially.

I am sorry for your situation. I hope I do not end up being a burden for my children over the coming years. I would rather die first.

[EFerrari]

9. When my mom and I took care of her mother, her siblings

used to come over and take turns doing the weekend days, plus they helped with extraordinary expenses. That helped a lot but it took a few years before they understood the need.

[KurtNYC]

4. In my experience: You never know what you CAN DO until you HAVE TO.

There is no good timing for this kind of thing. Hang in there.

[seabeyond]

8. You never know what you CAN DO until you HAVE TO.

my thought, too. well said.

[emilyg]

28. I didn't think I was

ready to take care of my step-dad till I had to. I did.

[EFerrari]

5. I hear you. I'm only a few years out of a high maintanence marriage

where I was essentially a caretaker for over ten years and my mom is having cognitive problems. Nothing too major yet and they are situational but not ready to do this again so soon.

[Obamanaut]

6. I don't think one can be 'ready' at any age. These things are sometimes

thrust upon us, and we make do the best we can.

Might you consider an assisted living facility? If Mom has assets, such a facility may be an option in the future, as the assets will quickly be sucked away if a move is made while she still has them.

When Miz O's mom began showing signs of the need for such a move, everything she had was put into her other daughter's name, so that when she did move into a facility, the 'look back' period had expired and she was accepted at very little cost to the family.

[DemocracyInaction]

7. Hi fellow Mainer..do you remember

A number of years ago I can remember driving along and hearing the news and almost driving my car off the road. One of our Maine repukes was going to bring forth a bill that would make adult children "legally" responsible for their parents. As in..if the go into a nursing home, you get the bill!!! All of these clowns need to be wiped off the face of this country before it is in a permanent state of depression.......

[kestrel91316]

10. Good luck. Be sure to get help from local senior aid and mental health support groups,

especially with the hoarding and cat collecting thing. Please do consider letting her have ONE cat - they do benefit people in tangible ways both physically and psychologically.

Normal, healthy cats are good about using a box, particularly if they are the only cat in the home. Too many cats per sf is a leading cause of inappropriate urination, as is improper diet.

[arikara]

12. Thank you for pointing that out

it would be very hard on her if every one of her cats were taken away.

[otohara]

11. Is It Legal to Own 7 Cats

I know here, 5 animals is the max.

If she's got some mental issues, I'd be sneaking about 5 cats out, one at a time - take them to a shelter. They must have run away????

Ugh, my sister, before she died was charged with hoarding and animal abuse. She will forever be on a data-base as an abuser/hoarder.
She was fined quite a bit - and they took all buy one cat away. Ordered to only have one animal.

[lunatica]

13. It sounds like you have a good plan. It's something you all can live with

None of us is every ready. If you have her close but not in your space it'll be best for her as well as you. You can have control over the cat issue and the cleanliness issue. She's probably a bit of a hermit too, which might be a good thing since she may not decide to wander out of the house.

Good luck. Remember to breath when you get frustrated and to back away so you can avoid saying or doing anything you'll regret. I took care of my mother for 5 years after she got sick. My son who was your age came back from New York to help out because I couldn't go to work and take care of her full time. Many times it felt like being chained down against our will.

An occasional rant is good for you. It was for me and my son.

[Sherman A1]

14. When necessary people have remarkable abilities to

deal with the most adverse situations. You will find a method of doing so.

I would take the cats to a shelter and hope they are adopted out.

[TheKentuckian]

15. I'm praying for you and all of us. Unfortunately, I've been taken out of the position.

But I doubt I'll ever forget wondering how I could possibly pull it off from my current position.

Transferring even more of the weight to us and magnifying on future generations is sinful and wicked in nature. We need to get real and invest more into our senior care. We need to get an effort for a much broader program with the pension going the way of the dinosaur. Cutting what we have is absurd in our present circumstances as is raising the retirement age in the face of ever dwindling need for labor magnified by wage and demand destructive policies.

[AlecBGreen]

16. your mom is fortunate to have such a child as you

:hug: good on you. Hang in there.

[Mz Pip]

17. I was 39 when my mom moved in with us.

We built an in-law apt in our house so she would have her own space. Even then it had its difficult moments. She was not the easiest person to be around; opinionated, dogmatic and inclined to hold grudges over stuff that never happened. But she was also caring and loving and generous, particularly to her grandchildren.

Still it was the right thing to do. My sons got to spend time with their grandmother and learned to be tolerant and accepting of elderly people. And my mom got to watch them grow into fine young men.

It can be frustrating but it sounds like you are going about it pretty well.

[UTUSN]

18. You *are* ready. Eleanor said, "What you have to do can usually be done."

In NO way am I dismissing or making light.


Being clear and steady about what you're doing: If she has mental health issues, either a Durable Power of Attorney or a Guardianship will be inestimable in carrying out needed activities that would otherwise be impossible without her consent.

[MrsBrady]

19. not the same situation

but similar...

mom having heart procedures, 350lbs, needs cataract surgery, needs lapband surgery.

and I live 400 miles away, and I'm her only child...and she's a pain in the ass.
I love her, but she's a real piece of work.

it's daunting.

she has friends for now, when I can't be there. but it's starting to worry me.

good vibes to you and your family. :hug:

[NNN0LHI]

20. No one is EVER ready to have to take care of their Mom yet

But sometimes that is just the way things work out.

My mother lives here with my wife and I right now. Isn't fun. But we have to do it.

Good luck.

Don

[handmade34]

21. feel free to rant...

you must now and will in the future...

been there... you need to talk to others and always be gentle with yourself

[GreenPartyVoter]

22. I think your idea sounds very workable! Good luck. I hope you find the perfect place. *hugs*

[dembotoz]

23. you will survive-and you will grow up(not that you have not)

I have been thrust into this type of role and i must admit
in retrospect, that it was good for me.
It increased my understanding
increased my patience
increased my tolerance for others
it grew me up
and i am much a better person for it.

[eilen]

24. My Mom is moving in today.

She has chronic COPD. She would not be able to support herself on her SS income. My brother is coming and will be building a wall to close in our dining room which will become her bedroom on the main floor. We can't afford to build an apartment. It will have its stressful moments but I love my Mom and my husband sees the need. She needs me more now as she has gotten weaker. My brother really can't handle it anymore (she had moved in with him about 14 years ago to help him with his kids after his wife left.)

I'm looking forward to seeing her more frequently, doing stuff with her and sharing holidays with her. She and my son are very close (he calls her about once a week to talk about stuff/current events, what's on his mind--now he can just come downstairs).

[Dappleganger]

37. Best of luck to you!

[David__77]

25. I'm in the same boat, kind of.

My mother had a near-fatal car accident last year. I have one sibling who is several years older. He visited her twice in the hospital, and helped a couple times when she finally went home three months after her accident. Otherwise, nothing. Now I do NOT begrudge him that. She was a terrible, terrible mother, and I do not think that biological bonds alone are too meaningful. Nonetheless, I visited her, helped her pay her bills, get food, obtain legal counsel, maintain her home in her absence, and a plethora of other things.

I am aiming at getting her self-sufficient and keeping her entertained/occupied. She is nearly 100% better physically. I do not coddle her in any way. I got her a new computer, better internet, and gave her lots of TV shows on the computer. When she gets the settlement, she will get an economical car, and I will encourage her to get a part-time job in the appropriate setting.

With your mother, I would get a housekeeper, if you can afford it. And I would just maybe, after confronting her, take most of the damn cats. If they are indoor/outdoor, you could disclaim responsibility. It's better for them to be in a home with more attention and care anyway. If she has mental health issues, seeing a therapist or being on medication can do wonders. She's certainly not too old to turn things around.

[Horse with no Name]

26. I understand. Hugs.

I am fortunate in that my mom is still working at age 68 and loves her job. She still ice skates and is very active.

She was never really there for me when I needed her physically--but financially she has always been supportive in the times that I needed it.

I love her dearly and will take care of her when the time comes--but we have a lot of different thoughts about things.

She was overly critical of the fact that I helped my children, paid for their education, and allowed them to live with me until they could get out and get started in life. She felt when they were 18, I should have pushed them out the door into the big bad world.

That's what I feel happened to me, and if things had been a little easier for me, certain circumstances wouldn't have been the way they were.

But that is life...and this is my rant hooked on to yours.:)

I also feel like by fucking up the social safety net, it WILL force more adult children to make decisions like these...which in turn will soften up the job market...because the people that will have to leave to care for their parents will most likely give up their jobs. Namely women.

Good luck to you. :hug:

[Walk away]

27. Been there! Get as much help as you can afford and apply for....

ant free assistance in your area. The cats deserve to get out of there as well. Call your local Vet and ask for the name and Tele # of the best cat rescue group in your area. They may be able to be fostered and your family can contribute something towards their upkeep.
You just have to get up every morning and be proactive. It's so depressing in the beginning but thing can get better even if your Mom gets worse. You have to take care of your own physical and mental health while you are dealing with the worst of it.

[RainDog]

29. hugs to you n/t

[onestepforward]

30. Hugs for you and your family

I've been there too. Remember to take good care of yourself and just take things day by day.

:hug:

[reformist2]

31. It could be worse... imagine if this woman were your mother!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ASG6r9rhwcE

[MH1]

32. Been there. Wishing you well. About the cats ...

Try finding a cat rescue organization. petfinder.org is a good place to start. Explain the situation honestly and they may be very willing to help (although it will take a little time to find placements). Like was said above, consider letting her keep 1 (or 2) cats. If no one is allergic, then it will be better for her if she can keep a cat or two. Taking care of 1 or 2 cats is not really a big deal, and they will probably provide good emotional support. Also make sure she knows that each of the other cats went to an excellent home.

As for being 'ready' ... no one is ... be very grateful for a helpful sibling. You will get through it and be proud of doing the right thing when you were needed. Lots of good advice upthread too, about getting a home health aide and looking for support groups.

[mnhtnbb]

33. I'm sorry you are facing such a difficult problem, but at least

the cats issue is manageable.

Some here have suggested keeping one or two. That's asking for trouble
if they've been allowed to not use the litter box on a 100% basis.
Most cats will use the box--but it has to be kept CLEAN! If there isn't
someone willing to scoop that box every day, then I think it's better
to find homes for all the cats.

I also agree that the idea of providing space for someone
in return for help with managing care of your mom could be a terrific
idea. Hubby and I have just finished rebuilding on the lot where our house
burned down 4 years ago--and we included space that we intend to make available
for a live in person down the road to keep us out of assisted living (he's 69
this year and I'm 60).

Good luck!

[sarcasmo]

34. I am 43 and have been taking care of the wife for 3 years. Care-giving is an

adjustment to your lifestyle but an adjustment one can handle.

[Dappleganger]

36. I wasn't prepared either but sometimes life just happens.

Those who burn the candle at both ends--kids at home and taking care of parents--have it the worst.

[Johnny Harpo]

38. Took Care Of My Dad For....

5 years as he battled End Stage Renal Disease...(Kidney Failure).

No siblings, just me and my wife.

While I completely understand and have empathy for your situation.

Like it or not.

Get ready...Its Coming.

[Generic Other]

39. Maine-ah, no one is ever ready for it

Sounds like you have a plan that allows you some independence. Hope you can swing it.