On Empathy and Compassion...let's chat :)

[OneGrassRoot]

Photo by Molly Rice

"Human kindness has never weakened the stamina or softened the fiber of a free people. A nation does not have to be cruel to be tough." ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt



"If we just worry about the big picture, we are powerless. So my secret is to start right away doing whatever little work I can do. I try to give joy to one person in the morning, and remove the suffering of one person in the afternoon. If you and your friends do not despise the small work, a million people will remove a lot of suffering." ~ Sister Chan Khong (Buddhist nun)



"TO BE HOPEFUL in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness.

What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places—and there are so many—where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction.

And if we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory." ~ Howard Zinn

Those of us who consider ourselves progressives like to think we are compassionate people. To me, empathy and compassion are symbiotic -- you really can't have one...not truly...without the other.

Putting yourself in the shoes of another to try to share what they are feeling -- empathy -- seems to be a prerequisite for authentic compassion, which is to have a desire to alleviate the suffering of another and act on that desire.

(A wise friend reminded me that we can be empathetic about joy as well as suffering. It's important to remember that, imho. :) )

Wishadoo! is a Charter for Compassion Partner (please sign!), and in the process of engaging with other partners, I found it interesting that some have very clear definitions as to what are and are not compassionate actions. "Scholars" of compassion disagree, but I think if it's genuine, a smile or a hug can be extraordinarily compassionate and alleviate the suffering of another in the moment, perhaps acting as a catalyst for both people -- the giver and the recipient -- inspiring hope and, just perhaps, helping to rise above their current challenges.

One thing DU's bobbolink and others have tried to impress upon us is that charity is VERY different from justice. And while charity can accomplish the task of alleviating suffering in the moment, it's not necessarily compassionate. Sometimes people donate to charities to get a tax write-off or because they feel guilty or a number of other more selfish reasons, none of which are truly compassionate, even if they alleviate suffering in the moment for a few souls.

Justice, on the other hand, works to remedy what has created the suffering to begin with.

Now, I personally feel we must multitask since we are faced with so many issues and crises, some of which will take institutional shifts to alleviate the causes of suffering. That can take an awfully long time, and while I believe we must continue to work towards justice, we must also alleviate as much suffering NOW as possible.

For me, this requires not being a purist and not expecting perfection in order to move forward with positive action. It requires doing my best in each moment, being mindful and responsible for my choices.

What do you feel are examples of compassionate action we can agree on, which could be implemented easily and swiftly in this country? Actions to make empathy and compassion cool and sexy -- ;) -- simple actions which can open hearts and minds and include anyone who chooses to be involved, which can hopefully lead to people feeling empowered to then do more to prevent and alleviate the suffering of others.

One thing I feel we MUST do is to TAKE BACK THE WORDS. Compassion is STRENGTH. Empathy is STRENGTH. Compassion is a catalyst that can create all manner of Good. Compassion, empathy, community, cooperation, The Common Good are all words which have been denigrated and demonized for the last 30 years.

WE MUST TAKE BACK THE WORDS.

How do you think we can take back the words and put them into action? Do you feel a campaign for that specific purpose -- a TAKE BACK THE WORDS campaign -- is a start?

It's something I'm very focused on at Wishadoo. People need to feel comfortable using these terms again and not cringe for fear conservatives or others will think they're weak. I fully realize the directory at Wishadoo -- The Compassion Pages -- makes some well-meaning businesses cringe a little simply because of the name. It's become more fashionable to be eco-friendly and want to be listed in The Green Pages, for example, but to "put yourself out there" as being compassionate and being dedicated to "compassion, cooperation and community" causes many to hesitate still, thinking it may not be a good business decision.

Well, I intend to change that. No more business as usual. It's literally killing us and our planet. ;)

We need to really understand what these words mean and how they can be put into action, and how we feel about them. I'm very interested in how DUers perceive these terms, and how you feel they can be put into action most effectively, to reach as many people as possible.

Thanks for reading. :hi:

[laylah]

1. Dear, kind, COMPASSIONATE

OGR...to be so eloquent so that I might contribute. Alas, I am not but I do support you and all of your unending devotion to making this world a better place. :loveya:

[OneGrassRoot]

2. Oh, but you are, laylah....

most eloquent AND compassionate.

Thanks for everything...:hug:

:loveya:

[Jim Warren]

3. Sometimes

"Sometimes it's better to be kind than right."

Uncle Punk

[Delphinus]

8. Uncle Punk

was quite right.

[Jim Warren]

20. Yes,

I think so. A plain spoken gentle soul I was lucky to have as mentor at a time I needed it most.

[OneGrassRoot]

21. I have to show my ignorance...

I meant to ask yesterday, and I did just try to Google, to no avail.

Who is Uncle Puck?

:hi:

[Jim Warren]

25. Sorry it wasn't clear

No ignorance on your part at all, he was actually a relative, my mother's brother, the first practitioner of Buddhism I ever knew and he used to say that to us kids when we argued.

[OneGrassRoot]

52. Thanks, Jim Warren...

Kudos to your Uncle Puck, and to you for paying attention.

:hi:

[October]

4. Kindness is so undervalued.

[lapislzi]

5. Error: you have already recommended this post

Beautifully written. I LOVE "take back the words." Love, love, love it.

[peace13]

6. Thanks for this.

Compassion and empathy, tools for living!

[laylah]

7. A well deserved kick. :)

[Bluerthanblue]

9. it is stuff like this-

that makes me keep coming back here.

:grouphug:

We need to take the effort to listen to one another. Really listen.

Open our ears, hearts, and minds.

"If we could read the secret history of our enemies,
we should find in each man's life sorrow and
suffering enough to disarm all hostility".
Henry Greenleaf Whittier

rec'd with thanks

[OneGrassRoot]

10. ...

:hug:

[RainDog]

11. kick n/t

[mmonk]

12. Recognized this a mile off.

[OneGrassRoot]

14. ...

:hi:

:hug:

[mmonk]

24. .

:hi:

:hug:

[Bluerthanblue]

13. kick n/t

[cali]

15. really nice, well done op.

[OneGrassRoot]

17. Thanks so much, Cali.

:hi:

[OneGrassRoot]

16. If you can spare 20 minutes and have an open mind, here's a video:

http://vimeo.com/11125610

It's by a gentleman focused on Empathy projects, interviewing Tea Party members at a San Francisco Tea Party rally over a year ago.

My first impression is that, given that it's in San Francisco, they are more moderate than Tea Party members that I've met or know in other parts of the country. ;)

My second impression is a subtle one and rather hard to put into words, but I sensed an arrogance when they spoke of helping others. It happened with several of the interviewees, and I sensed that they had the impression they are "above" others who are down on their luck in some way. Of course, they are big on charity, and while they say they want to "teach a man to fish" -- with which I think most of us agree -- they don't view the system as preventing that in the same way many of us do. They are focused on "handouts" (and the ever-present "welfare queen" image of abusers) and a system they view as perpetuating dependence.

While I agree that can happen (especially so for corporate welfare), my focus is on the system which, at present, prevents so many positive things for citizens, including the ability to support oneself.

I do think government currently prevents entrepreneurial initiatives which we desperately need, but I don't see it so much as a "big government" tactic to control everyone by making them dependent, but instead it's happening because the governmental support is so focused to benefit huge corporations -- the government and multinationals are essentially one and the same, imho.

Most Tea Party members see government as the ones preventing everyone from doing well and being okay, yet see no problem with the control over our lives of huge conglomerates, via the government and other ways in our daily lives.

That really, really puzzles me how they can turn a blind eye to that fact. I know we've pondered why many times, including that many of them feel they're on the path to being millionaires themselves and don't want to bite the hand that feeds them, etc.

Beyond that, there are areas of common ground that could be explored with this type of Tea Party group which isn't as overt as others regarding social issues which set us WAYYYYY apart.

[OneGrassRoot]

18. It just dawned on me why this bothered me: I didn't sense empathy at all...

Their examples of empathy were charity, but I didn't sense that any of them truly empathized and could identify with others.

Again, they viewed them as "the others," rather than "there but for the Grace of God...."

I didn't sense that they were empathetic at all.

[mmonk]

28. Pushing the view of "the others" is the way the have mores stay

in control (by dividing those that have less into thinking they have no commonality amongst themselves and "the others" are the problem).

[OneGrassRoot]

29. Yes....

I absolutely agree, mmonk, and we've discussed many times how the populace is so manipulated by "the have mores," especially by today's so-called mainstream media, pitting us against one another -- creating "the others" -- so we stay distracted from their raping and pillaging.

:(

But there is something intrinsically different about those with a certain mindset, a mindset that we often see in right-wingers and as shown in this video to a more subtle degree, though I don't think it's limited to right-wing conservatives.

Maybe it really is an empathy deficit; maybe some people really don't have empathy or have stuffed it so deep inside that they can't access it, and certainly don't want to.

I have a hard time wrapping my brain around people TRULY not being empathetic or compassionate. I tend to assume they're just blocking it or hiding it, but they HAVE it somewhere within.

:shrug:

[mmonk]

31. There definitely is a empathy deficit.

Sometimes, the deficit use to be picked by religion and corrected, but lately, religion has defaulted and in many cases, turned into part of the right's political machine and a weapon of division I'm sad to say. We must find people of conscience and push them for solutions to the current empathy deficit.

[marmar]

19. C'est beau !!!!

:grouphug:

[laylah]

22. Back to the top! :)

[Emelina]

23. Politicians -- do they have any empathy???????????

I think the case could be made that politicians have very shallow emotions and virtually no empathy:


http://www.indymedia.ie/article/100200

[OneGrassRoot]

26. I agree. (edit)

It certainly seems that there is something about DC (or perhaps it's simply power anywhere?) that creates an empathy deficit.

It's as though the more power and money one has, the less one is able to "walk in the shoes of another." Even though many politicians come from humble and varied backgrounds, there is a bubble that seems to take over and they forget what life is like for average citizens. It's hard to believe they really care, but rather we're just pawns in a game.

:(

Edit to add my thanks for the great article.

:hi:

[Emelina]

30. Yes, they do forget.

I have often wondered how they would deal with issues if you forced every congressman and congresswoman to donate sperm or eggs -- I know it is going to sound weird, but hear me out -- and then inseminate/implant these reproductive cells so that the representative will know that he or she has biological children being raised in working class homes, rural impoverished homes, etc. Then when they vote on policies that hurt people (including wars) they will know that they are affecting their genetic offspring.

I know it sounds like a science fiction version of Sparta, but...

[OneGrassRoot]

32. Wow...lol

I do hear you though, and can see the benefit of that...potentially (though the negatives outweigh the positives, imho). ;)

But I wonder...I wonder how many would truly consider these "out of sight, out of mind" offspring in their decision-making process? I'm always stunned that people make such callous choices (about the environment, for example) that obviously affect later generations, as though their progeny are immune in some way.

It's like they simply do not care.

I think those with such extraordinary control and influence -- a Rupert Murdock, for example -- are wired differently. They can shut off all emotion completely. There are probably several diagnoses that apply to most of these people. How else could they make decisions which ruin so many lives and still live with themselves?

:shrug:

[wovenpaint]

27. Too late to rec,...

And this is one that I wish I could recommend many times. Well written, OGR!!
These ARE powerful words-hence the denigration of them-so many words twisted...misuse of "entitlement" for example.

I believe that we humans are "hardwired" to help others, so to take back the words is a fine step in the direction to a more compassionate world. Pay it forward...

(This was my "big wish", btw-you've articulated it perfectly...another wish granted! ;-))

:hi:

[clyrc]

33. The older I get, the more I think compassion is important

I'm not really a religious person, but I have a Kuan Yin statue in my room to remind me to try to be compassionate every day. It isn't always so easy, but it's one thing in this world I really believe in. I think that if you refuse to be compassionate, you are giving in to a kind of ignorance I want no part of. For me, compassion and understanding are bound up together. Pursuing a compassionate life leads me to understand the world better. I read, I try to really listen, and I try to be helpful when I can. And, I think most importantly, I try to teach my daughters the importance of compassion, in a world where it isn't acknowledged much.

[OneGrassRoot]

35. That's beautiful...

Thank you for sharing that.

I'm not a religious person either, but I also have a Kuan Yin statue.

;)

:grouphug: to you and your daughters...

[clyrc]

38. Thank you

What's sad is that so many people mistake empathy and compassion for weakness. I was brought up to be compassionate, but even in my family I've noticed a shift. Just yesterday I was out with my sister, and a woman asked me for money and I gave her some. My sister was angry at me, but I told her, yes, it could be that the woman was lying about her need, but you never know a stranger's story. There are some terrible stories out there, even in the US. I'm not trying to set myself up for sainthood, but I am trying as best I can to be a decent human being who treats other people as well as I can.

[Odin2005]

34. K&R

[kctim]

36. The only way to 'take back the words'

is to accept that they cannot be mandated thru legislation.

[OneGrassRoot]

37. Thanks for chiming in. :)

I wasn't thinking of it in terms of legislation, as I don't believe one can legislate morality, per se. I was speaking more in the sense of how to, in general within our society, take back the words so that compassionate action -- individuals not via government -- is embraced rather than denigrated.

We need a cultural shift in this regard before our government will even begin reflect it, imho.

We need to write a new story, as discussed in this great article by David Korten at Yes! Magazine.

[kctim]

39. Some people believe

that we have lost our individual sense of compassion because we have come to expect government to take care of it for us.

[OneGrassRoot]

41. That feels so twisted to me....

but many things do.

;)

I don't think many people "expect" government to take care of everything. I do believe that compassionate people with a progressive worldview want government to alleviate suffering when possible with regard to BIG issues, like healthcare. There are basic needs which, in a society of this size, institutional safeguards are really required. It's the whole argument about what should be privatized and what shouldn't.

I, personally, don't think healthcare should be for profit, for example. It's not because I don't feel we as individuals should help or take responsibility for healthcare issues, but because it's simply too big a job. It's because we can't bear unnecessary suffering (those we love and strangers) that we want our government to play a role, not as a way to rid ourselves of any personal responsibility and wash our hands of it.

Conservatives obviously don't want government to be involved with much of anything beyond defense and possibly infrastructure.

So, is it those with more progressive views who you feel fall into this category of losing compassion because they expect government to take care of it?

I'm trying to understand the different perspectives and roadblocks regarding compassion and empathy, and how worldviews (for lack of a better word) play into it.

:)


edit for clarity

[dembotoz]

40. i would like to think that displaying both is part of what makes me a democrat

it sure as hell is not the money....

[Blasphemer]

42. This is something I have struggled with, particularly in the last year or so

It's very easy to feel compassion and empathy when faced with a living being (whether human or animal) that is victimized or disadvantaged in any way. Even in terms of advocating certain policy positions, compassion can be easier when you view those in need of it in a one-dimensional way - i.e., poor and disadvantaged = good and rich and greedy = bad. The difficulty comes when faced with the prospect of having compassion for those who it's difficult to view as deserving of it. This is something that has brought me to a crossroads in my life both in terms of the greater world order and my own personal experiences with those close to me. It's easy to feel compassion for an animal that has been mistreated but for its abuser, not so easy. It's easy to feel compassion for those people in my life who I feel are essentially good people but once I begin to view people critically and see imperfections (such as intolerance) my ability to be compassionate wanes. Despite my long standing beliefs in things such as social safety nets, I have found myself struggling with the concept of compassion both from a philosophical and practical perspective. Compassion, empathy and selflessness are generally regarded to be good things - a noble way of living that can only enrich one's life. But what if it doesn't? What if it only leads to be taken advantage of and what if instead of creating a circle of compassion, it is only a one way street? I have a deep fear that the years of embracing compassion in my personal relationships have created a parasitic situation where my spirit is concerned. Does perfect compassion create a reality where such vampirism is impossible because the energy created by it is impossible to corrupt or is it possible to make oneself a victim in striving towards a life of compassion. In years past, I have rejected the ideas of those who believe the latter. Now, I question myself and wonder if I was wrong to reject that idea out of hand.

Anyway, those are my thoughts - thank you for creating a thread that allowed me to share them.

[Kind of Blue]

43. I don't think compassion means giving up

discernment :hug:

[OneGrassRoot]

45. You said in 8 words....

what took me 20 minutes to write.

;)

:loveya:

[Kind of Blue]

47. LOLOL...Thanks, OGR. But I have to

admit that understanding enabling came way before discernment. And hugging oneself is the beginning and keeps the spirit of compassion active. :loveya:

[Blasphemer]

48. You gave me an "Oprah" moment

She often writes down things said to her (i.e. in interviews) that encapsulate a powerful thought in a few simple words - I have done that with your words today.

[Kind of Blue]

50. And you've given me the perfect thought

in your sig-line. Thank you, Blasphemer :hi: I really needed to see that today.

[OneGrassRoot]

44. Oh, Blasphemer, I could chat with you all day about this.....

I have a deep fear that the years of embracing compassion in my personal relationships have created a parasitic situation where my spirit is concerned. Does perfect compassion create a reality where such vampirism is impossible because the energy created by it is impossible to corrupt or is it possible to make oneself a victim in striving towards a life of compassion.

Boy, do I hear you. I really, really do, and I have struggled with the same throughout my life.

I just typed out a whole bunch but then realized this may not be the best venue for that. ;)

Instead, I'll simply say that, personally, I have only recently come to find my own comfort zone with regard to empathy and compassion, and generally being in this world. I don't believe anything is perfect, and one thing I've finally learned in the last few years is to take life moment by moment and allow myself room to change my views and positions.

Also, what compassion looks like in one situation may look completely different in another situation, for example. I'll bend over backwards to help but I won't enable. I do realize enabling is very subjective, so that's a personal choice. Each person and each situation are so different.

I have family members who have manipulated and abused for decades, and I have pretty much created a "three strikes and you're out" policy when it concerns people for whom I know their life story. I refer to it as compassionate detachment; I wish them well, but I won't enable their destructive choices.

For those who have knowingly and intentionally caused innocents harm, such as the examples you give, I can't say I have compassion for them. I'm not religious, but if I try to be a saint and see all souls as divine, on this Earth as part of a grand design and lesson and with roles to play, then sure I can "rise above" and have compassion for that soul. And I do believe people must be suffering in some way to commit heinous acts. Still, regarding that human being who did the heinous act...nope, I can't say I have compassion at all. My focus on people accepting personal responsibility overtakes pretty much all compassion then, and I detach.

I'm no Mother Teresa, that's for sure. ;)

I can be much more unconditionally compassionate with strangers, to be honest, because I don't know their life story. I approach each situation thinking, what if that were me or someone I love, and approach them with a clean slate. It's my personality type to expect the best in people rather than the worst.

It's really hard to do that with relationships that have a lot of baggage, imho.

So, I don't believe being compassionate means you have to be a doormat or gullible or allow energy vampires to suck the life out of you; I do feel we must each get know ourselves well enough to be able to set boundaries and work within that framework, not shut down and close our hearts.

I know there are people who are indeed almost saintly; I applaud them, I appreciate them, but I'm not one of them, nor do I pretend to be.

This being human thing is really, really tough most of the time, I find.

Thank YOU for sharing.

:hug:

[Blasphemer]

46. Compassionate detachment - I love that concept!

I agree that it is often easier to be unconditionally compassionate with strangers. Knowledge is something we thirst for embracing the complete truth of another person can be difficult and sometimes unwise. I do look at the almost saintly people among us and wonder if I'm missing something. But, I hope to be able to fully accept myself if I choose not to strive to be (or find that I am unable to be) a perfect saint. If I can master compassionate detachment as part of finding a balance - my own comfort zone - I think the whole "being human" thing will be easier.

[AngryAmish]

49. You have to be cruel to be kind, in the right measure.

[OneGrassRoot]

51. ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1lof5Ho1Jw

You knew it was coming...

;)