With rumors of surgically implanted bombs, what's the TSA gonna put us through at airports now?

[backscatter712]

Remember, first it was liquid bombs - pour out your drink bottles!!! All of them into the same bin so they mix together!!! Even though making a TATP liquid bomb that actually works well enough to take down an airliner, and can be kept in Gatorade bottles is impossible. Don't worry about all the people crowding together at the security checkpoints - Al Qaeda only bombs airliners - they wouldn't think about wasting a suicide bomber by blowing him up at the checkpoint instead...

Then it was the scare over the underwear bomber. Now we've got to submit to TSA's pornoscanners (Rapeiscan models courtesy of Michael Chertoff) and grope-downs by TSA molestors.

I figured the next step was being probed by the new Dildoscanners after rumors of bombs in body cavities. Nope, they might as well skip that step. Because the "chatter" gravely announced by our ever-so-honest intelligence agencies indicates that we'll be seeing bombs surgically implanted in people, just like the Joker's implanted phone bomb from The Dark Knight.

The apologists will tell you not to worry - the exploratory surgery we'll all have to submit to in order to board an airliner will be completely routine, and we'll be able to get the stitches removed in a couple weeks. And the mandatory CT scans don't cause that much cancer. A few tens of thousands of cancer deaths in a decade are acceptable to prevent a bombing, right?

Don't worry, it's all for your safety. Not totalitarian control. And don't mind that the only people ever caught at the checkpoints are people with weed...

[HopeHoops]

1. MRI on the way in - but only if your insurance will cover it.

[Blue_Tires]

2. As deterrence, TSA Sky Marshals will also have bombs implanted in them

problem solved...

[nc4bo]

3. Full blown x-ray machines.

They'll be sure to catch everything for sure!

[Octafish]

4. Pre-Flight Colonoscopies...

...for everyone!

Arrive early. Don't forget to bring an extra pair of Vitters.

[backscatter712]

5. Get ready for Chertoff's new Dildoscanner! n/t

[Octafish]

9. Someone's got to make a buck off it.

It's the American way. Too bad it's so seldom the American people, who always get left to pick up the tab.

[Myrina]

10. My thought exactly.

:puke:

[razorman]

6. Just don't sneeze.

[KittyWampus]

7. Pornoscanners? You must have porn on your mind.

[Aerows]

11. Porn usually involves naked people

not that I watch much porn, so I could be wrong. The Rapiscan machines show people's naked bodies, and takes pictures of them (which some have already been leaked to the internet so it's bullshit that they don't save them somewhere).

Granted, porn usually involves sex, but taking naked pictures of people all day really isn't all that far off.

[Aerows]

8. I have a better idea

Everyone that is so afraid of terrorists that they are willing to give up their freedom needs to give up their freedom to travel and stay the hell home. Those of us that refuse to live our lives in fear and choose to live our lives on our feet instead of our knees puts a stop to this paranoia shit, and protests all of this TSA and DHS bullshit.

[Aerows]

12. If you see something, say something

Then you can get fired like those three city workers who saw something and said something when they found that bomb at the MLK parade.

I guess if the bombs don't go off, well, the people just aren't as scared anymore, and that's really unacceptable.

[Buns_of_Fire]

13. If you have to ask, you probably don't want to book any flights for the foreseeable future.

Sadly, even Nekkid Airlines (my fledgling company) will now be performing routine Upper GIs, Lower GIs, full-body MRIs, skin peels, some mild exploratory surgery (consistent with the restriction that we'll be retraining our janitorial staff to perform the procedures), X-Ray screening, Ultrasound screening, and full intestinoscopies (our own invention, it's like a colonoscopy, but we proceed all the way to the pyloric sphincter).

Unfortunately, this all costs money, so we're having to increase our ticket prices 1626% (the good news, though, is that we'll share our results with your family doctor if our screening detects anything amiss).

[WatsonT]

14. I really wish there were a reasonable alternative to flying

for going overseas.

Boats just take too long.

Maybe we can bring back dirigibles.