Need legal advice--ELDER ABUSE

[xfundy]

NOTE: I looked for a "legal advice," "elder issues." "caregivers," or "aging" forum, but couldn't find one, so I'm posting this here. Mod Squad, if you have a better place for this, move on.

(background) I am, I guess, the primary caregiver for my parents, not by choice, and I am the first to admit I'm the LAST one who should be taking care of anyone. But, as stated, I have no choice. Here is a rough draft of a letter I am working on to the state's dept of Human Services, which may have been dismantled by now. I would like legal/social input and help, if anyone wants to help me. If not, please move on. Thanks.
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I believe my parents have been, and may continue to be, victims of elder abuse by my sister. I hope I am wrong, but I live with them and give them a watchful eye, nutrition, etc., throughout the day, and have found what I believe is evidence of financial abuse, as well as observed emotional abuse.

My sister moved back here about ten years ago, saying she was doing it to help our parents. I was forced to move back here from the other side of the country five years ago, after suffering debilitating depression, which interfered with my ability to concentrate, and therefore do the work I'd done for years, followed by a fall that broke my kneecap and collarbone.

Thankfully, it was discovered that my depression was caused by chemical imbalance and has been successfully treated with medicine from the county clinic for the last two years (although I've been a client for the last five years, and four more before that, in (state). It takes time to find the proper medicine).

Recently some UPS or FedEx packages were sent to my parents' house, addressed to my sister. I opened several of them, and most contained non-FDA-approved "medicines" as well as cosmetics, such as day/night skin creams, etc., and other things I would characterize as "snake oil." I only thought to make a scan of the last such package's invoice statement, which revealed that she'd charged nearly $300 to my father's credit card for things that couldn't possibly be of benefit to an 88-year-old man.

The previous shipment, which I opened, contained two orders of pills for "probiotics" and for "brain retention for people over 40," merchandise cost $150, plus shipping, charged to his card.

She immediately took the duplicate pills, declared my father should take the probiotics, then took the duplicate package of the "for people over 40" pills.

There were other shipments that came here, one of which contained "AD+D," which is needed for my mother's care, but at a higher price than the local drugstore or even grocery store.

I may be slow on the uptake, but I have been constantly surprised; when I think she can't go any lower, she (apparently) does.

She has become a "dealer" of protein-shake powders, which she has variously declared to my father that, "this will help you sleep." and "this will give you energy," when talking about the same "snake oil" shake.

He has no idea what he's paid for these things. I would think that someone who has his best interests at heart wouldn't do a markup.

She has also insinuated her way into having her name on all of his financial accounts, even including executorship of his will, which was previously up to me.

(DU NOTE: She is a True Christian™ and has manipulated my father for years. My psych thinks she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder; from what I've read, and experienced, I agree. Legal thoughts? THANKS!)

On edit: clarified title.

[jaysunb]

1. You need a lawyer

someone local with elder abuse experience.

Get off the board and look for one now.

[gateley]

2. I'd contact an attorney and not wait for and state agency to help - Hopefully

somebody here can recommend what TYPE of attorney.

This breaks my heart. Please let us know what happens. They're lucky to have you.


ETA: :hug:

[csziggy]

3. Check to see if your state has a bureau for elder affairs

Some states do and they can have aid available. I am not sure if there would be help for a situation like this, which is essentially a family dispute. They may be able to help you figure out which way to go.

You may need to talk to an attorney - check with your state bar association. Many have referral services that can help you find an attorney that specializes in the field you need and often they have low cost initial consultations that can tell you what your choices will be and if you will need to have long term legal assistance.

Good luck with this. I hope you can work it out.

[LoveMyCali]

4. Have you tried contacting your county public health services?

They should be able to direct you to adult protective services and I would think they would know what kind of lawyer you should contact. Good luck.

[Amerigo Vespucci]

5. Contact an attorney, and if you can't afford one...

...start Googling in your community for pro bono legal aid.

You don't want to solicit legal advice on a Website. Nothing against DU...I'm saying that for the same reason that the rules prohibit people seeking medical advice here. It's just not a good idea...for you, or the people who own this Website. Good luck in your search.

[xfundy]

8. Thanks, I agree.

I guess I'm looking to talk about it with anyone willing to listen. I'm unable to get out among actual real people to talk/mingle/socialize, since someone has to be here all the time, to make sure my father doesn't fall, etc.

Most of what I do here at home is just BE here. Years ago I promised my father I'd never let them be put in a "home" and I am fulfilling that promise. If I'd known it would kill my professional life/ability to make a living, I may have thought more about it.

I've asked my sister to make herself available to "sit" here so I can go out and work, and pay someone else to be here, even a college kid, just someone who can help my father when he needs to move around. No response, of course, and she won't even alert me to when she'll be here so I can plan getting out. It's like a horrible prison; it's been that way for five years.

[xfundy]

6. Thanks for the initial replies.

I can't afford a lawyer, as I am completely broke, thanks to depression and the IRS, which has declared they will take anything I own because I was so scared and confused and unable to concentrate ten years ago that I actually contemplated living in my car. I've sent them a letter explaining every year, explaining my problems concentrating, etc, but of course they are not in the business of caring, and I don't expect them to be. I just wish I could get them to compromise and not charge all the fees and interest. Thought about writing to Obama, but, well.

I've read through a bunch of info on elder abuse, and I know I'm right to be wary and sound the alarm. My sister's husband is apparently her BDSM "slave" (he's called her "Missy" for years, it bothered me so I looked into it, and yuk, at least from my perspective--no to impugn anyone into that, but it's not my business in either case. I am trying to stop the abuse and theft, and I want this bitch out of my life in any case, but I also want access to the family photos she has taken, the xmas ornaments we grew up seeing, or at least My share of them, which I had assumed (like any, I would think, sane person), would be divided equally among the children upon the demise of our parents.

Thanks for any and all replies and ideas to persue this--ultimately, if possible, I need to keep my dad from knowing about any legal action I may have to take.

[Maru Kitteh]

12. You need to separate the emotional issues you have with your sis from the facts and the money.

1. You say you live with them, have you talked to your parents about this?

2. Have you talked to your sister about this?

Start there.

You're not just going to be able to walk into some agency or lawyers office and have them wave a wand and punish your sister for you. What she's done is probably wrong but I'm having trouble seeing a court stepping in over a bit of two-for-one deals on herbal clap-trap and some make-up if your parents have chosen to have her on their card and they are still mentally sound. You may not like it - but that doesn't make it a legal issue either.

How old are you? Do they charge you rent? Do you eat their food, use their appliances, water, utilities, etc.? I'm guessing they help you because they WANT to help you, right? All those things have monetary value but I doubt if you are abusing your parents.

Parents love their kids, even the flawed ones and even when they don't love each other.

If you are very concerned about this - talk to your parents about it but do it apart from your emotions about your sister and from a non-judgmental place. Your feelings about her sexual life and the old Christmas ornaments have no place in the discussion and they detract from both your concerns and your argument.

[Habibi]

14. Excellent post.

And I agree, as far as elder "abuse"--there's no "there" there, if your folks are mentally with it. Frustrating as hell, I know, but you should be talking to them about it.

I know how difficult caregiving can be; I'm doing it myself right now. I like this board a lot for eldercare support and advice (it's a great place to vent!): http://mikegamble.websitetoolbox.com/

[ChoppinBroccoli]

7. I'm Not An Elder Law Attorney, But I Know A Little Bit About It

I don't have a whole lot of experience with elder care issues, but I do know a little bit about it that I picked up in passing, and from a few cases here and there (including an issue I had with relatives caring for my grandparents). I'm not sure what "abuse" you're talking about, because I didn't see any reference to any abuse in your narrative. However, the financial information is somewhat troubling.

Often you will see that when children come back to take care of elderly parents, they will worm their way into their parents' bank accounts and start taking over all their assets. It's pretty sad how often it happens. The problem is that unless you can show that she exercised undue influence over them, your parents are able to turn over control of their assets to whoever they want (assuming it is, in fact, voluntary--which I assume is going to be the big issue here).

I had a similar case several years ago in which my client's sister moved back in with their father, who was having mental problems at the time that they thought might be Alzheimer's (and was therefore not competent to make many of the decisions she forced him to make--all to her benefit). She took control of all of his assets, and then she moved him into a nursing home. After a few months at the nursing home, the doctors there told him he didn't have Alzheimer's and that he could go back home. When he got home, he found out that his daughter emptied all his bank accounts and sold his house, so he was forced to live with his other daughter (my client).

You really do need to speak with an attorney who is licensed in your particular State, and who is well-versed in Elder Care issues (there are probably several of them listed in the phone book). Just off the top of my head, I would say that your issue would be trying to prove that the account transfers were not voluntary, but were done as the result of undue influence, and your remedy would NOT be to get some State agency involved, but a good old-fashioned lawsuit demanding return of all the money stolen over the years.

Again, I can only give you a bare-bones sketch of what I think might happen going forward, but an attorney in your area would certainly be able to help you out and give you concrete answers. You really need to contact one right away.

[xfundy]

10. Thanks for your input!

I believe she has also sold the stuff she bought with my father's credit card on Ebay--I've recently learned her ID on ebay and have seen the kind of shit she sells there--including the snake oil shakes and "beauty" creams. She is also selling on craigslist.

I will contact the local volunteer legal team tomorrow morning. The main thing is I don't want my father to know/hear about any of this--it may kill him. Even though she yelled at him every day for years about how I am "evil," "a liar," "undeserving" and "stealing" from him, it was all projection.

I just want this shit to end, and end now.

[Mojorabbit]

9. It might not hurt to make a list of the supplements

she is giving them and notify their doctor of them in case they may interfere with any meds they may be taking.

[xfundy]

11. Good point.

Actually, she declared herself "in charge" of the house and their care, and declared that "in charge" included me. Which of course I scoffed at, and that is what led to the current situation, where I, older than 21 (not by much, LOL), stood up to her--that's when she started character assassination, etc. It's a sick situation all around.

Luckily, the lady that comes to take care of my mom most evenings also does their meds. i've spent many hours on webmd to check for contraindications, reactives, etc.

Twisted Sister yelled at my father last week that he "has" to take some bullshit "vitamin" chew-thing she also apparently sells now--but he's had a horrible time with his digestive system, needs very low fiber, and those snake oil things had 4+ grams of fiber, when his entire meals should be less than two grams.

Again, I am the LAST person who should be in this position, I want my life back in the worst way, but this is what I'm stuck with.

Thanks for your help!

[msanthrope]

13. You need a lawyer and careful documentation.

I will NOT give you legal advice over the Internets.

But, I would urge you to seek an elder-care attorney.

In the meantime, you should keep a record of all transactions and medical reports.