Supreme chutzpah

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http://onlinejournal.com/artman/publish/article_6491.shtml


Citing the US Supreme Court’s eight-month-old decision allowing companies unlimited donations to political candidates and campaigns, the Holland Tunnel, still under water between New York and New Jersey, today announced its long-anticipated decision to take advantage of the precedent-setting opinion conferring personhood status on an inanimate object. Thanks to the Roberts’ Court’s 5-4 extension of free speech rights, every LLC and Inc. in the country, especially those with headquarters in Delaware, is now a natural citizen.

At a special, overflow meeting in toll booth No. 27 earlier this week, senior toll takers were instructed, starting immediately, to set aside 10 percent of daily revenues to be distributed to November’s state and federal election campaigns. After a heated discussion, they agreed to raise the contribution to 12 percent on Sundays to make up for reduced weekend traffic. “Altogether, that’s a potential zillion dollars,” according to Metuchen accountant Mack Millstein, CPA.

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Nonetheless, the underlying concept that companies have the same prerogatives as regular street persons is by now firmly embedded in the American psyche and underworld. Not surprisingly, the response to the Holland Tunnel’s announcement was swift and potentially game-changing, if not alarming. Some of New York’s favorite entities, as varied as the Staten Island ferry, the Long Island Expressway, and Bronx Zoo, asserted their newly realized sentient status and expressed similar interest in entering the political fund raising fray.

“We’ve been pondering this course for years and now, finally, a bunch of judges in Washington, of all places, came through,” Janice Mulcahy, the LIE’s VP for external affairs, said in a statement distributed to the press while standing between two stalled east-bound lanes at 5:04 one afternoon last week. “No more schmoozing (wink, wink) in dark bars with certain city councilors to get funds to repair that mess of a pothole at the Long Island City/Grand Central Parkway exit, which we’ve been trying to do for years. Now as a good, full-fledged citizen, albeit of the corporate variety, the LIE can influence them in the bright light of day. The acronym is just a weird coincidence,” she added.

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