Children of divorce vow to break cycle, create enduring marriages

[seabeyond]

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/09/22/divorced.parents.children.marriage/index.html?hpt=C2



There are no precise statistics on the divorce rate in the U.S. because not all states report divorces. But among the states that did report, there were 3.4 divorces per 1,000 people in 2009, according to the National Center for Health Statistics.

*

The risk of divorce is 50 percent higher when one spouse comes from a divorced home, and 200 percent higher risk when both of them do, says Nicholas Wolfinger, a professor of family and consumer studies at the University of Utah and author of "Understanding the Divorce Cycle: The Children of Divorce in Their Own Marriages."

Children of divorce are also 50 percent more likely to marry another child of divorce, he said.

*

In an effort to not follow her mother's path to divorce court, she read dozens of books on relationships and divorce. Before she and her boyfriend got married, they enrolled in premarital counseling.

*

Fisher says children of divorced parents may be more likely to spot a troubled partner and avoid toxic relationships. These children are often more resilient and overcome obstacles quicker in relationships, she said. They may also take more time to determine whether marriage is the right choice for them, and studies have shown divorce rates fall when people marry at a later age.

"We may very well see a generation of stable relationships," Fischer says.

*

Now married for 14 years and with two children, the Hines' say they are proud that their marriage is different from their parents -- at least so far.

They have learned to constantly communicate and talk through their problems. Unlike their parents, they say they support each other and demonstrate patience when one of them makes a mistake.


"Divorce is not an option."

[maxsolomon]

1. good luck with that.

better to not 'marry' - then you can't 'divorce'.

you should post a link.

[seabeyond]

2. sorry about the link. thanks for the heads up. will do. nt

[seabeyond]

5. i was just thrilled to see the headline. that people are actually looking at marriage

in a more can do... instead of defeatist manner.

i was reading the stuff out of this article to son, and he immediately mentioned my niece and the guy she married, for a couple years, and now divorcing.

her parents divorced. neither remarried. and his... mom married 7 or 8 times, they dont know the number. and dad on #3. not good odds for the kids.

[SoCalDem]

3. Marriages are all different

Marriage has no guarantees, and I think the reason why many last is because they chose their mate carefully:)

We've been married for 40 years and I can seriously say that we have never had a real fight. Our grown kids marvel at how even-keeled we are. I am outgoing..he is not.. He is quiet & organized..I am NOT:)

we accept each other's foibles and have since the beginning. I did not try to change him, and he did not try to change me.

[seabeyond]

7. ya. us too.

i was buying something for hubby the other day, and forgot exactly what it was. i called and the cashier said, good thing, he would have yelled at you if you had brought the wrong thing.

comments like those hit me for whatever reason

no... he wouldnt have yelled, or even been bothered, lol. not over something so very little.

we dont fight either. really dont get angry. might get a little pissy every once in a great while.

also says later marriages do better. but 40yrs, i bet you were young. we were older. so easy.

[SoCalDem]

11. I was 20 & he was 25

I came from an abusive family & vowed early-on that MY marriage would be different..and I kept that vow:)

We decided early too, that when there is no money, it's useless to fight over it.. it's gone..and once you say hateful things, the other person never forgets.,.

and we also vowed to never "tell tales" to others.. Our relationship is private..between him and me.. and not my friends or his:)

I am amazed at what some women will tell others about their husbands.. waaaay more than I ever needed to know about the guy :)

[seabeyond]

13. you know, you are so right on, lol

or say snippy things in front of others. only the best.... neither of us have ever thought it a good idea to cut each other down in front of others. amazes me when i see people do that.

[K8-EEE]

44. That is true about the tell-all ladies!!

I go hiking in the morning and always hear my fellow hikers laying it ALLLLLLLLL out all over that canyon....I WOULD NEVER!!!

[lunatica]

4. LOL! I swore I would never get a divorce because my parents did

LOL! Two marriages later here I am swearing I'll never get married again!

[seabeyond]

9. ha ha. what is kinda sad... 5 year, FIVE is a milestone. sad and

celebrate at the same time.

[no_hypocrisy]

6. Doesn't always work out that way.

I know a 31 year old guy, the product of a terrible marriage between his parents. They should have divorced, but stayed together for the sake of the kids.

He grew up, fell in love, and married his teenage sweetheart. And he vowed it would be forever. And unfortunately, that's the problem. His wife kicked him out of the house on which they're paying a mortgage. She won't speak to him. Only e-mails when she needs money. (More money, more accurately. His paycheck is deposited in her personal bank account and he refuses to change this arrangement.)

He's pining for her, thinks that she'll change her mind and ask him to return. He doesn't want to divorce her. He's worried that saying "no" to her will provoke her into demanding a divorce. He's going nuts, not knowing whether she wants a separation or a divorce.

Unfortunately, he'll know when she's found someone else to marry.

[seabeyond]

10. i am sorry

so so sorry. i hate stories like that. i have heard more than one.

[no_hypocrisy]

14. Thanks. My heart breaks for him too.

Amazing young man.

Stopped drinking and goes to AA every night. Also in the middle of stopping smoking. Really turned his life around.

Has a terrible job loading trucks at UPS and turned down a chance to go to the Police Academy b/c his paycheck would stop during training and (you guessed it), his wife will get mad and file for divorce.

[seabeyond]

16. those are the ones

you want to hold hands with and will the energy in to heal and let them move on.... a wand. need a wand. to stop the hurting and allow them to live.

[laundry_queen]

47. I've heard more of those stories than I care to repeat.

As one going through a divorce, and belonging to a support group, it's crazy how many times I hear similar stories. When they tell you it takes 2 to make a marriage work, what they fail to explain is that it only takes 1 to break it up. Many times the party who is left behind is the one who wanted to make it work, who tried everything and still gets shit on. And many times, it's a shock to that person. And it might not have to do much with your parents' marriage. Both my ex and I have parents who have been married for over 35 years. Mostly happily. Divorce was never an option for me but I didn't get a say.

Your friend may take awhile to come around. Unfortunately for him if he doesn't cover his butt legally early on, she can come back and claim even more. I've know a few people who were in denial for a long time after their spouses left, and those spouses came back just long enough to get their hands on more money, or the kids. Sad. It shouldn't be so easy to get married and divorced. It's no longer taken seriously. If you're going into it thinking one day you might get divorced - don't get married!!

[Bigmack]

8. I feel most humans historically have been....

serial monogomists.

People change over time, and their ability to change their circumstances and relationships are fundamentally human.

I think if our species learned to deal with change, divorce wouldn't be such a nuclear weapon...

[SoCalDem]

19. Very true..

I just found out that a couple we knew, got a divorce after 39 years..

They had nothing in common, but the kids, and now they are just done with each other.

Young humans (eager to procreate) may subconsciously look for a very different mate than the mate the should have chosen to RAISE the young..and later on they may need an entirely different mate when the kids are all grown & gone..

Some of us choose more wisely than others..and may be more flexible on compromise:)

[Johonny]

23. well

given the death rate of women from child birth and the fact many societies allowed multiple partner marriages, I'm just guessing you are right :) I think the major change has been on society feels about letting people out of marriage. Right now the economic penalties for certain partners to leave marriages are such that many would rather not even bother trying. I think the economics of divorce makes it such a nuclear option.

[seabeyond]

25. or one can account the innate need and desire the majority have for a special someone

and have that connection that i seem to find universal among people and cultures and genders that we tend to not factor in at all.

[TNDemo]

12. My parents had the divorce from hell

when I was a kid. They both remarried people who were not happy that kids came with the package. All I wanted was a peaceful home. I found that perfect guy and we have been married for 32 years and have yet to have an argument. We're not boiling inside - it's just hard for me to pick a fight with someone that I know has nothing but my welfare as his first priority. Fighting with the kids - that's another story... Anyway, I knew what I didn't want so maybe my childhood did me some good. My brother is the same way, though his marriage has not been so happy. He is determined not to put his kids through it. I remember my sister-in-law to be warning my husband that I came from a family of divorce and would easily discard the relationship but it is just the opposite. I've BTDT as a witness and would never want that (but would handle it in a much more mature way than my parents if it ever happened).

[seabeyond]

15. ard for me to pick a fight with someone that I know has nothing but my welfare as his first priority

good post TN. thanks. i liked the article because i see too many take marriage too lightly and then shrug and say... well, we werent meant to be monogomous, or whatever. and it does hurt people (kids). i would never advocate no divorce because at a point i think it is more healthy too.

but

i like the feel of this article with people really putting forth the thought, effort and considerations in marriage. a little more serious, then what i have seen around me in RL of late.

thanks

[TNDemo]

20. Carl Reiner and his wife were being interviewed

on what makes a successful marriage (60 years at this point) and she said she used to answer that question with "good communication" or "respect each other" or some other typical answer, but now her advice is "marry someone who can stand you." I really thought that was pretty good advice!

[seabeyond]

26. ha ha

i was really opposed to marriage. my mom yelled, and i thought the whole housewife thing unfair and dad would tippy toe when he came home.... i hated both those behaviors. they were good to each other, good example, but i didnt want it. plus a loner, not real emotional, ect...

i was 32 when i got married. he was the first man i had around that i was actually able to spend a weekend with and didnt want to kick him out of the house. the whole reason i told myself i would try marriage was cause i could stand him.

so that is funny.

[TNDemo]

34. I remember someone who was older and not in a great

marriage told me that if you can't sit with a guy and just read a book and be comfortable, then you don't need to marry him. I always remembered that.

[galileoreloaded]

17. Know why divorces are so expensive?

because they're worth it..........

(funniest thing Willie Nelson ever said)

[Warpy]

18. Marriage is a total crapshoot

and even people who know each other well and who are friends first can run into trouble from all sorts of things, drugs, alcohol, mental illness, severe physical illness, that they're not prepared to deal with, or even emotionally able to deal with.

If it works, that's wonderful, but never judge anyone for whom it didn't. You never really know the whole story.

[JuniperLea]

21. Well said, Warpy...

Very well said.

[Bunny]

22. Thank you.

Despite what some people may think, the fact is that outsiders can never really know what's going on inside a marriage. Things happen in life, circumstances and people change, and to presume to judge whether others have tried hard enough, or chose well enough, is really pretty arrogant.

[seabeyond]

29. i would appreciate

if you would read the post i wrote to warpy. i agree with you. and i see how this op can feel that way to many. i would also like people even if they were to divorce look at what the article is saying and not feel that it is judging, but providing info.

what i thought was interesting info.

[seabeyond]

27. ah, i couldnt or wouldnt

warpy. as i said in a post above, there are marriages that need to end, that is for sure, and i am not advocating marriage per se. i was concerned that putting this up might be a challenge for those who have divorced. but still, i put it up cause, today, it seems like most all things are negative to marriage, and this was a positive perspective, looking at marriage a little more serious than what i have seen in RL lately. i am happy to see, people approaching it like this.

[Warpy]

39. Most people looked at it that seriously

and were extremely careful in their choice of a marriage partner versus an affair or shackup. However, life has a way of throwing curve balls into any perfect game and ruining it.

50% of perfect couples who chose each other carefully divorce. It's not just flaky teenagers.

[seabeyond]

40. but

if you had these stats going against you, and because of a divorce of parents a proclivity to go into marriage at younger age to "create" that family, then isn't it a good thing to be aware? and isn't it good that people are walking into it aware and taking decisive steps like educating self and marriage courses?

i could find out tomorrow that hubby is cheating or he could come home tomorrow and tell me he doesn't want to be married anymore. those are about the only two in our marriage that would end it, but it could happen. i dont know. i have no protection from that. and i would divorce. i would be all over this giving it to the boys, that stats just went up on them in this area. educate them. (i am not much into guilt, more a pragmatic approach in life) i wouldn't feel ownership for it, but a part of their reality to be aware of. like others.

for example. i smoke. i have told my boys, what bothers me the very most about my smoking is it increases significantly the risk of them smoking, too. i tell them to be aware... dont do it, look how much i hate it and i cant quit. but i still know, the stats show me odds go up for them to smoke. and i understand why.

[Barack_America]

24. Whatever. Some people don't believe in divorce. It doesn't mean they're happy.

Children of divorced families are more likely to come from a cultural background that accepts divorce. Perhaps this explains the increased divorce rates rather than children of divorce being somehow "damaged"?

I know this criticism relates to only a very small portion of the article, but these divorce statistics always annoy me.

[seabeyond]

30. i was raised in a very good environment and even with that i had my cross to bare.

or adopted my childhood traumas that caused "damage". i dont think it is an insult. i tell my boys, doesnt matter how good any of us have it, growing up we have our issue that we have to deal with later in life, or never deal with them, and they come back and bite us on the ass.

i spent my 20's dealing. i dont see it as an insult or a put down. i dont see that a divorce may effect a childs perspective later in life as a put down. i see it as something to be aware of, and address.

[TonyMontana]

28. Marriage itself is fundamentally flawed

The idea that two people can stay with each other for LIFE is ridiculous in its premise.

After enough time, both partners get bored with each other and strive for something new. It's human nature. It's simple evolutionary biology. Even those couples that have managed to stay together for decades have had one or both partners cheat with someone else on the side.

Let's stop pretending that marriage is not a completely obsolete arrangement that was created for the purpose of passing on property and wealth from one family to another.

[Warren DeMontague]

31. Everybody needs to live their own lives, make their own decisions, and what works for some people

doesn't work- in fact, may not be right- for others.

The only -only- advice I would feel qualified to give as both a child of divorce and a long-time happily married person, is that marriage is a pretty big decision and should not be entered into lightly.

And under no circumstances should you listen to the anti-sex fundies who tell you to wait to fuck until you're married. Not only isn't that realistic, but it's a recipe for marrying the first person you really want to screw, which in many cases may not be the best idea.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

32. +Graham's Number raised to itself Graham's Number Times

[Missy Vixen]

43. Everyone's an expert on marriage till they have one

This all reminds me of a conversation with a woman I met a couple of years ago. She was in her late 30's and never married. She lived with someone, though. I tried to tell her that I didn't have the slightest idea what it was like to be married till I actually was. She claimed she knew all about it.

I used to know another woman who told me that she and her husband would never divorce because she didn't believe in it. "If he falls out of love with me, well, he's just going to have to fall back in love." It doesn't work that way.

NOBODY can claim to know "all about marriage" who's never been married. It's a lot more than sleeping in the same bed and dealing with family members, especially if you'd like to stay married for any length of time. At the same time, those who'd rather not marry -- good for you.

>And under no circumstances should you listen to the anti-sex fundies who tell you to wait to fuck until you're married.<

Absolutely. Sex is very important in marriage; if you can't please your partner (or they can't please you,) perhaps it's best to NOT marry them, and spare yourself a life of frustration and unhappiness.

IMHO.

[proteus_lives]

33. I'm hoping to only get married once.

My folks divorced (but remarried several years later).

I think this article is pretty good.

[seabeyond]

35. i thought it good too. it felt good seeing a more optimistic outlook on marriage and

attitude, than what i have seen recently. i dont think it hurts to be aware of what is going on with us, and maybe in that awareness we can avoid unpleasantness.

it kinda made me feel more optimistic.

[rainbow4321]

36. My 19 yr old daughter has said she's waiting til she's 30 to get married

Not surprising, I guess since she lived thru the nasty divorce between me and my ex...but apparently the other influences are seeing some of her 19/20/21 yr old peers getting married or having babies, including at least one shot gun wedding post-baby, and seeing her guy friend's parents' divorce that didn't go well at all.

We touched on the topic of marriage one time and her response was "I can't even find a boyfriend that I want to stay with, never mind thinking about having a husband".

And that's fine with me. I'd rather see her stay single for a long time instead of "settling"

[Terry in Austin]

37. Wise indeed. Helps if you're a grownup.

Modern society is complex enough to where you're really not grown up until you're 30 or so. Takes a long time to know who you are, what you really want, what you really can expect from people, what you enjoy about them, how to talk to them and hear them, etc. Getting married before then is probably a mistake.

Took me until I was 50, so I'm not exactly precocious. Going on 14 years now, and the honeymoon ain't over -- gotta say, I'm one lucky kid!

[seabeyond]

38. i think those are some good points.

i hadnt looked at it from us maybe taking longer to grow up. i know it was true with me. i really didnt feel grown up until about 28/30. but then i didnt lead a grown up life until about then anyway, so why would i feel like one.

also, i did spend the twenties doing exactly as you suggest and i think that made all the difference in the world for me. i knew what i wanted, what i didnt.

good points.

[pipi_k]

41. That's for sure!!!!

I was 18 when I married for the first time.

Second time I was 25.

Both times I was a mere child. I look back at those two marriages and ask myself what I ever saw in either one of my exes. Neither one lasted more than four years.

This third time I was 43. We've been married 15 years.

Age and maturity do make a difference.


I see one of my young nieces (whose parents have actually been married 35 years) posting all the time on FaceBook about her relationship problems. She's in college...18...got married in July to her "soul mate" after breaking up with him a couple of times...publicly.

Last week she posts some weird thing on FaceBook about "not being defined by who you think I am" blah blah blah and her status says "single". Two days later it's gone and her status is back to "married" again. Having parents who have been married a long time isn't always a guarantee that one will also have a long marriage. I don't give my niece more than a couple of years, actually, before she's divorced.

[seabeyond]

42. to be clear

the article isn't saying that coming from a nondivorce home is a guarantee, and all of us know it isn't true. we also know people stay together, so they are "married" but create a horrible environment for all to live in and a divorce may be better.

i liked the article because, i too have a niece doing this, and now she has two little ones. i was SO thrilled to see young people approach marriage differently, with different considerations and maybe a trend in the other direction.

[Odin2005]

45. Being that my parents divorced when I was 4, I agree with them and wish them well.

[InvisibleTouch]

46. THIS child of divorce had exactly the opposite reaction.

I will probably never get married, because all I've ever seen of marriage is misery. Whatever could possibly possess me to do that to myself? IF I should ever make that mistake, though, I will have absolutely no hesitation about cutting my losses as soon as it becomes apparent that we're causing each other more stress than happiness. I don't believe in putting a lot of effort into bailing out a sinking ship just for the sake of some ideal.

[seabeyond]

48. i hear ya

i would think that is the natural response.