I got a phone call from my sister last night with news that, were it to involve anyone else in my family it would have saddened me, left me flat. She called to tell me that my eldest aunt had passed away. I must say that, normally, I would have been reflectively sad and (knowing myself) quite tearful. I will admit that my reaction did not fall in those usual responses. I felt relieved and, if the truth be told, ever so briefly happy about hearing the news. Yes, I said ever so briefly and that was the case. I caught myself quickly and reverted to having no emotional response at all.
Now, before you think me totally heartless, let me explain. This woman had been very involved in my family and my upbringing ... so much so that she was allowed to pick my name when I was born. She was the oldest of my mother's siblings and as such ran every one of their lives to one extent or the other. I have come to the conclusion that at least when headstrong, opinionated behavior is concerned, I am cut from the same cloth as she, just a very different patterned cloth. She was the "alpha male" of the family and she never let anyone forget it. When I was growing up, I mistook her bullish behavior for strength and admired how she commanded all the air in the room pass by her first. I have since come to understand that she didn't practice fairness nor compassion for anyone that there was not some large payoff for her in the end. I get it and even though I have that same strong headed streak within me, I hope that I have learned the value of not using it as a weapon to hurt others but rather as a way to advocate for others when my help is requested. I, unlike her, don't think that I can bully my way to the monopolization of any situation through intimidation, nor that I should.
Over the years we began to discover that there were areas that we just didn't see eye to eye about and the distance between us grew so large as to be unmanageable for any type of mutual respect to flourish. The final straw came when my mother died in 2001. She bullied myself and my siblings (and my mother too) through the whole last week of her life and the week after her passing in person and then from a distance for months afterward. My mother, as would be expected because of the dynamics of their relationship, had allowed my aunt to be the executrix of her estate and had at some point had given over all her power to my aunt as far as final arrangements were concerned. Whether that was legally implied due to her service to the estate or actually spoken, I will never know for sure. What I do know is, my aunt "handled" all the arrangements for my mother's funeral and all that entails. She wrote the obituary for the papers, barely mentioning the man my mother had five children with and had been married to for 24 years before his death. She did, however, focus on the event and the man my mother married (that my aunt had handpicked for her) and the years that she had been married to him instead. It was written as if nothing had ever happened in my mother's life before she moved to the same town my aunt had lived in for years and married this man. Yes, the children were mentioned in the obit, but it was very disjointed, as if we had been plucked from thin air rather than born within a long term marriage. I never knew until that time just how jealous my aunt had been of my father and his influence over my mother over the course of all their married life.
Now, add the fact that my aunt was a mormon and she arranged a mormon funeral for my mother. My mother was NOT a mormon ... in the later years of her life she never mentioned any type of faith at all and had not attended any church even her own to my knowledge) for at least a quarter of a century. My mother's children were window dressing for this charade, nothing more. She had an argument with my then 8 year old daughter over a beanie baby ... and even pulled a screw driver as a weapon ... as if to stab her because she thought my daughter had taken one of my mother's beanie babies without permission. As it was, it was a stuffed animal that had been purchased for my daughter by my mother's best friend while we were at the hospital in my mother's last days.
Then, the arguments about my mother's wishes about her "things" began. Things that had been in our home when we were children that had been "promised" to us when she passed. Not things of any great monetary value, but things with priceless sentimental value to her children. We had to hire a lawyer and threaten to sue her before we could take possession of these things. It was NOT what my mother had wanted at all and she had made my aunt promise in front of us that these wishes would be carried out without delay. Since she was in charge, there had to be a fight before we could completely carry out these wishes made on her death bed to all of us. Needless to say, what love and respect there might have been for this woman in the past died along with my mother.
So, I get the call that the "family piranha" had passed and had this flood of mixed emotions in rapid succession. I am still wondering where the "college money" my mother promised my kids is and will have to start an inquiry, legally, into that now that she has finally left this world. Just what I wanted, a fight with a dead woman! The regret stems from the loss of the respect and admiration that I had once had for what I thought was an empowered woman and wishing that I could stir up a more traditional response to her passing. But honestly, it's just not in me where she is concerned. I will not celebrate her passing, but I will not mourn it either. I will note it and move on to what I can only hope is the final chapter in my necessary dealing with her and her effect on my life. Ho hum is the best I can muster for her.
But wait. The roller coaster climbed yet again to bring me to the other end of the emotional spectrum quickly enough. I had been going through a job interview process, in house for my current employer, for the last 4 weeks. I had been told at the beginning of the process that it would be a decision that would be made within days ... that they stretched out to a full four weeks instead. When I went for the initial face to face interview I left feeling very positive. The interview was with my current boss's boss since, whomever got the position would report to her directly. The following week my boss told me that his boss had decided that someone from outside the company that had interviewed was his boss's choice ... until she met with me ... and she now wanted to promote me from within (not something they have a long history of doing, btw). Then I had to interview with her boss, the VP of our division. That interview was over the phone and I concluded that feeling, again, very confident. The following week I had to have a phone interview with the director of HR, which lasted a mere 22 minutes. I wasn't so self assured after that interview, knowing that there was still an outside candidate that I was competing against for this position. Tick, tick, tick ... time was passing and there was little communication from anyone except my boss, who told me that he was told the job was to be mine once they drew up the offer letter. Tick, tick, tick ... waiting for that call made the days seem almost too long to be bearable and the longer it took, the more I began to think that they had changed their minds but did not want to tell me as we are currently in a peak period and I am currently attempting to cover for 7 or 8 people in the field. Yes, I said 7 or 8 people and not one job went undone. As the days passed, I thought I had been pigeonholed as a great support person but not "management" material.
Well, I got that call today and they made me an offer. A bit lower than I had anticipated, but we are still in negotiations so nothing has been signed in blood or tears yet. Between you and me, money will NOT be the deal breaker here as the perks are working from a home office more than working in the field and managing people doing the job that I was doing rather than wondering how I am going to physically remain on my feet long enough to drive to the next location and repeat the work over and over in each location that I am currently covering as well as my own work. It will be more of a mental challenge than the current physical challenge that I have and that is a welcome thing! I will be home more often when my daughter comes home from school and have more flexibility to leave my work for an hour here and there to attend her sporting events (which I have missed all of since December when I got my last promotion). it's not the easy life by any stretch, but it sure is better than what I have now and a welcome change to what I am currently doing.
After all the agony of waiting for this call today, my soon to be new boss told me that she knew she wanted to hire me for this position 5 minutes into our face to face ... 4 weeks ago! ARRGGHH! Why do they have to make these things so painful?
So, join me on my roller coaster and tell me the yin and yang happening in your life. Or, you could just commiserate with my situation or congratulate me on my new promising future.
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Congrats, Sydnie!
