This is JUST IN from the Fake (but just as “reasonable” as present actual news) Department:
Google & Verizon Contract Signed: They and Their Contractors Need Not Obey Same Traffic Laws as Everyone Else
Citing as precedent a 2010 contractual agreement allowing the internet packets of Verizon and its contractors to travel faster than anyone elses,
Google and Verizon announced today that they had inked a deal to allow themselves and those who pay them large sums of money the right to travel faster than anyone else on physical highways, and to ignore other traffic laws and signals. Verizon’s chair said:
“A lot of our biggest corporate customers have Bugatis and Lamborghinis and this will allow them to innovate and make the best use of existing and future investments in automobiles. It would be a sad day if innovation came to an end on highways, and this contract is proof that the spirit of America lives on in its interstate highways and byways.”
Google’s spokesperson added that,
“unlike the 2010 deal prioritizing their internet packets for faster speed than anyone else during periods when the internet is occasionally sluggish, this contract regarding automobile speed would not have the effect of slowing down non-corporate automobiles. Any appearances to the contrary are just relativity – a Bugati passing you in a flash of light and brief color at 150 mph when you are going 55 mph does not slow down your 55 mph car. If anybody feels it does, that’s just an illusion spawned by jealousy of success.”
Some groups in civil society are protesting, saying that contracts cannot make or change laws applicable to parties who never signed those contracts, citing the slowdown in internet speeds caused by priority packets for Google and Verizon. Spokespersons for Google and Verizon were quick to dismiss such claims, however, saying that the speed laws have not changed for anybody who did not sign a deal with Google and Verizon. Said the Google spokesperson:
“The Rule of Law is still in full force and effect, there are just different rules applicable to certain sectors of the internet. We’re an empire now, we make our own reality.”
Asked whether making one’s own reality can include making new conditions of inequality, the Google spokesperson added: “The point is moot since government is powerless to intervene in the freedom of contract on the Internet.” Just then, a civil society group leader shot back:
“If government is powerless on the Internet, then I’m sending out a press release today by email and fax
warning all of your customers that
the government is powerless to intervene on the internet to protect them from fraud and malfeasance, and that your contractual promises are unenforceable in government courts, which are powerless on the internet, as you say.”
A person identified only as "Land Shark" from Democratic Underground added: "Your silly contract can't affect my rights or my equality, and none of you were elected by the people so your attempts to change the laws are void and of no force and effect. It is kind of funny though!" Security guards quickly removed the leader as well as Land Shark from the press room.
This reporter called an hour later to the civil society group leader to confirm if the press releases were actually going to be sent out, but was not able to connect. The recorded Verizon operator message indicated that service was disconnected. There was no listing for "Land Shark" in the Verizon phone book.
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