The T Files - A Tea Parody

[Capitalocracy]

This is a script I wrote... posting it here because it looks like I may never have the skill/time to Flash animate it.

Written a few months ago, which explains the omission of some recent events.







Narrator: A massive unexplained phenomenon gave the FBI no choice but to reassemble their best investigative team.



Mulder: Why did you call me back here? We didn’t exactly part on friendly terms.

Skinner: I need you to investigate a phemonenon that’s threatening to tear this nation apart at the seams. (hands files to Mulder and Scully) There’s a growing political movement called the Tea Party, and the situation is getting out of control.

Mulder: Why would you ask for my help with a case like this? This isn’t exactly my area of expertise.

Skinner: Just look at their platform and what they stand for. Look at their signs and what they’re saying in their protests.

Scully: But none of this makes any sense. How is this possible? How can so many people believe so many ridiculous things?

Skinner: That’s what we need you to find out.



Scully: They keep mentioning Acorn. What is this Acorn they keep mentioning?

Mulder: I think we need to find out.



Beck: It all comes back to Acorn.



Jones: Acorn are the foot soldiers in Hussein Obama's fascist army.



Mulder: Who is this? (Phone disconnects, Mulder pulls it away from his ear and looks at it)





Scully: It’s all gone. There’s nothing left. Somebody got to them first.

Mulder: What are they trying to hide?



Beck: It's about euthanasia. They want to create government-run death panels to decide who is fit to work and are therefore eligible for health care, and who is not a productive member of society and needs to be euthanized. (crying) They're going to kill your grandmother. After all, what use could she be to society? They'll kill children with down syndrome, like Sarah Palin’s little baby, because what quality of life could they possibly have? (starts shouting) And we're not going to stand for it! Join us in Washington, D.C. to protest this monstruosity!



Mulder: Do you see that man over there? He just signed on that shipment of donuts coming in.

Scully: He was here before the buses arrived. He must be one of the organizers.



Mulder: Sir? Sir! Stop! FBI! Who do you work for?



Mulder: (quietly) Mulder.



Scully: Where are you?



Mulder: I'm not sure, but there are files here on people’s health status and preexisting conditions, looks like there could be files on everyone in the country.

Scully: Get out of there, Mulder!

Mulder: (sees shadows of feet passing under the door) I can’t talk now. (hangs up)



Suited Man: (looking at a file) Prognostic is good, not too expensive, let her live. (Passes on file, takes another.) Too expensive, let him die.



Scully: I’ve done some research, and I think this is all just a game. Somebody’s been lying to you, Mulder. Somebody’s been lying to all these people for their own financial gain.

Mulder: But I know the death panels exist, Scully! I saw them!



Jones: I know they’re coming for me, but I don’t matter, what matters is the truth. I’m a warrior for the truth. If you don’t believe in global warming, the government’s going to call you an unfit parent and take away your children and give them to the United Nations one world government who will keep them as slaves in a Bangladeshi whorehouse. And they want to shut me up, well let them come and get me! I know the FBI is going to come breaking down my door anytime now, but I’m ready for ‘em!





Jones: It’s FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management Association. They’ve got concentration camps all over the country. They’re going to bring people by train in cattle cars just like the Nazis and kill them and bury them in plastic coffins.

Mulder: Where did you get this information?

Scully: More importantly, who’s paying you to spread these lies?



Mulder: (showing Scully a file with a picture of Sarah Palin) She’s the former governor of Alaska. She knows something about the death panels that noone else knows. We have to find her.

Scully: Mulder, noone’s seen her since her last book signing tour.

Mulder: She’s been blogging on Facebook from an undisclosed location. I think I know where to find her.



Palin: I’ll teach you to talk about my down syndrome baby! (Nearly drops baby) Whoopsy, I gotcha.



Narrator: They uncovered a secret.

Scully: (As Mulder opens the envelope) What is it?

Narrator: A conspiracy reaching the highest levels of government.

Mulder: It’s Barack Obama’s birth certificate. He was born in Kenya.

Scully: But that would mean he’s not eligible to be President.



Narrator: An investigation turned ugly.

Jones: He’s just a patsy for the New World Order. They don’t care if he was born in the U.S. He’s the antichrist, and everyone in the world will have a data chip surgically implanted. It’s the mark of the Devil.

Scully: Why should we believe you?

Jones: You already know, Fed. You already have one. Check the vaccines.



Mulder: (flashing badge) FBI. Is this where you’re passing out swine flu shots?



Scully: Call an ambulance!



Scully: I got the results back from the lab. That Kenyan birth certificate? It was a forgery.



Mulder: Then where’s his real birth certificate?



Icke: You see, almost all the people you see in the sphere of public influence, in entertainment, politics, and television news, are actually alien lizard people. Except me, of course. (A forked tongue slips quickly out of his mouth and back in again.)



Byers: Don’t open this here.

Langly: Believe me.



Mulder: I'm not sure what to think about this.

Scully: It’s Obama’s Hawaii birth certificate.

Mulder: What do you think?

Scully: It looks real to me.



Taitz: Nooo!!



Mulder: Is that Lady Gaga?

Scully: No, it’s Orly Taitz.



Taitz: It mustn’t be seen! Destroy the birth certificate!



Mulder: Run! (They do.)



Cheney: I think it's obvious that the only way we can possibly keep this country safe is by using enhanced interrogation techniques on all terrorist suspects, indefinitely and for the rest of their lives, just in case they may someday be able to provide actionable intelligence.



Scully: Apparently, this guy doesn’t eat, he doesn’t sleep, he just gets his energy and sustenance from pure hatred and fear. He feeds off of it, and that’s why he's trying to spread it as far as he can.

Mulder: So he works up his followers into a hate frenzy and feeds off of it.

Scully: And we think there are more like him.



Limbaugh: The Democrats are trying to make an issue out of these so-called acts of violence and vandalism on the right, but you and I know that 95% of this is made up. They're whining like they always do about a few bricks through a few windows and a couple of angry phone messages and faxes with pictures of nooses. Well, of course they're going to receive angry messages, the people are angry! They're trying to kill you, they're trying to kill your grandmother with socialized medicine! And I hope you're not going to stand for it! They're trying to eliminate freedom of speech and freedom of expression, they’re trying to criminalize dissent and take your guns away. You have a right to fight back when they’re trying to destroy this country! Get angry! Fight back!





Narrator: What they learned would threaten to tear them apart.



Scully: I got an ID on that tea party protest organizer you followed. He works for a lobbying firm contracted by a health insurance industry political action committee. That death panel you saw wasn't run by the government, it was at a private health insurance company.



Mulder: You’re wrong! Why would they do that?



Beck: The progressive cancer is eating away at this country. They're punishing job creators and strangling us with their progressive tax system. And you have to fight it.



Beck: And I know they’re listening in. I know they're following my every move.



Mulder: He’s onto us.

Beck: Get off my phone!





Mulder: Wait, what do they mean by "tea party”? Do they mean a tea party, like a gathering where they serve tea, or tea party, like a political party?

Skinner: We think it’s both.

Scully: But that’s impossible!



Narrator: The T Files.



Scully: Despite having seen all the evidence to the contrary, why do you insist on continuing to believe that President Obama is a secret infiltrated Kenyan Muslim terrorist?

Mulder: (after a short pause, music stops) I want to believe.



Scully: Oh my god, the video! It’s going viral!