For Mothers Who have LOST Children--alternative Mothers Day Message, and

[bobbolink]

many thoughts.

I lost a son who was kidnapped, and I know there are other mothers here who have lost children. Somehow, we always are forgotten in all the celebratory folderol.

So, here's a message of true peace for Mother's Day, and sweet thoughts for all the mothers with empty arms.

:loveya:

Mother's Day Proclamation
by Julia Ward Howe*, 1870

The First Mother's Day proclaimed in 1870 by Julia Ward Howe
was a passionate demand for disarmament and peace.


Arise, then, women of this day! Arise, all women who have hearts, whether your baptism be that of water or tears!

Say firmly: "We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies. Our husbands shall not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause. Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have taught them of charity, mercy and patience. We women of one country will be too tender of those of another to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."

From the bosom of the devastated earth, a voice goes up with our own. It says, "Disarm, Disarm!"

The sword of murder is not the balance of justice. Blood not wipe out dishonor, nor violence indicate possession. As men have often forsaken the plow and the anvil at the summons of war, let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel. Let them meet first, as women, to bewail & commemorate the dead. Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means whereby the great human family can live in peace, each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesars but of God.

In the name of womanhood and of humanity, I earnestly ask that a general congress of women without limit of nationality may be appointed and held at some place deemed most convenient and at the earliest period consistent with its objects, to promote the alliance of the different nationalities, the amicable settlement of international questions, the great and general interests of peace.


Biography of Julia Ward Howe

US feminist, reformer, and writer Julia Ward Howe was born May 27, 1819 in New York City. She married Samuel Gridley Howe of Boston, a physician and social reformer. After the Civil War, she campaigned for women rights, anti-slavery, equality, and for world peace. She published several volumes of poetry, travel books, and a play. She became the first woman to be elected to the American Academy of Arts and Letters in 1908. She was an ardent antislavery activist who wrote the Battle Hymn of the Republic in 1862, sung to the tune of John Brown's Body. She wrote a biography in 1883 of Margaret Fuller, who was a prominent literary figure and a member of Ralph Waldo Emerson's Transcendentalists. She died in 1910.

[tinfoilinfor2005]

1. Happy Mother's Day Bobbolink...

:hug:

[antigop]

2. Dear bobbolink -- Happy Mother's Day!

I did not know you had lost a son.

Happy Mother's Day to all - including those who have lost children.

[H2O Man]

3. Happy Mother's Day.

This can be a difficult day for many people. That's one of the good things about an internet community -- one can find support on days like today.

[omega minimo]

4. Beautiful K/R

"From the bosom of the devastated earth, a voice goes up with our own. It says, "Disarm, Disarm!""


Dear bobbolink, how tragic. And how generous of you to think of others with lost children and to send this powerful message.

Most definitely time for a "congress of women."


:grouphug:

[nam78_two]

5. Happy Mother's Day Bobbie

So sorry about your son.

[Reterr]

6. You have had a hard life Bobbolink

I remember your mentioning previously that you are homeless.
Beautiful post-k&r. Thank you for taking the time to think about others despite your own troubles.
Peace and good wishes to you...

[FourScore]

7. Happy Mother's Day, bobbolink.

You have endured every Mother's nightmare. How you continue each day is a mystery to me. Especially on Mother's Day. And yet, not only do you continue to move forward, you manage to share your grief and think of others. God bless you and your lost son, bobbolink. :hug:

[etherealtruth]

8. Oh Bobbolink ...

Your ability reach out to others is awe inspiring ... I admire your strength and generosity.

Happy mothers day

[Catchawave]

9. Oh bobbolink ... I hope you don't mind

I crossposted your thread with mine in the Lounge, for moms with special needs kids:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=6501813&mesg_id=6501813

You are never forgotten :hug:

[calimary]

10. The Earth, too, is our mother. ALL mothers deserve honor today.

Actually, ALL mothers deserve honor EVERY day.

Bobbie, this Mother's Day, know that we here are with you, and support you, and listen when you talk. You've put a human face on some of the untasted tragedies of humankind.

Thank you for posting this thread. Mother's Day extends a LOT farther than the Hallmark people can envision.

HUGS!!!

:hug:

[Cleita]

11. Tears in my eyes here.

Thanks for posting this. :hug:

[Lerkfish]

12. a child was taken from us on mother's day weekend.

even though we now have another wonderful child, every mother's day my wife and I remember that horror.

[bobbolink]

14. I'm so sorry that happened to you!

:hug:

In whatever way that it occurred, the pain never goes away.

My thoughts are with you....

:hug:

[Lerkfish]

15. Right back at ya...

:grouphug:

I don't think there's anything worse than losing a child.

[bobbolink]

16. "I don't think there's anything worse than losing a child."

Indeed, not!

What's really awful is the ugly things that people say, or the silence because they haven't a clue what to say. We are so immature emotionally in this society! We need to do a whole hell of a lot better in learning how to be there for hurting people.

I hope, at least, you didn't get some of the ugly things said to you that happens to so many. It's hard enough to deal with the unnatural grief of losing a child, without all the crap that people pile on it out of their own fear.

Maybe we can think of ways to make society more responsive. I was thinking of that again during the Virgina Tech mess. So much attention given to those people there, yet people who've gone through so much in the past with losing a child, or witnessing a tragedy, etc., and living with the results of the PTSD from it, are still forgotten at a time like that, when they're being triggered back to the past by all the stuff on the TV. Those hurting people need just as much support as the ones in the current crisis!

My heart goes out to you, and I very much appreciate your sharing your experience. It doesn't ever go away, but I'm also really glad you have a fine child, now!

Best to you! :hug: :loveya: :hug:

[Lerkfish]

17. I know what you mean...we went to a grief counselor who told us (hard to believe)

we were sobbing for an hour in her office. As we're leaving, she says "You know, this makes me appreciate my own children, when I go home tonight I'll give them an extra hug"

and she thought that was an appropriate thing to say to a couple who just lost a child.

amazing.

[bobbolink]

18. It was all about her. Yes, I can definitely believe it.

:nuke:

As insensitive as that is, and from a "counselor" no less!!!!, (no surprise... the profession is full of people without hearts!, there are no limits to what people will come out with. A friend of mine volunteered with the hospice because of all the hateful things people said to her after her husband died, and she didn't want others to go through the same thing.

Nosy question, so you don't have to answer (of course). How are you and your wife doing now? Losing a child is so hard on a marriage, and with the crap that was said to you, I'm sure that took another toll. I hope you are doing OK!!

After my son was kidnapped, there were even "friends" who said, "What kind of a mother are you to let such a thing happen?" Yes, ugliness knows no bounds. And these were "liberals" who supposedly were social activists. It took me years to figure out that people, especially women, get very threatened just to hear that a child was kidnapped, and the horrible thought is more than they can bear for even a split-second, so they immediately find some reason why that happened to the other person, and how they are different. Then, they are "innoculated" and safe in the knowledge that it will never happen to them. Saved by the projection.

I do hope things are better for your now. :hug:

[Lerkfish]

20. things are better now, My heart goes out to you for your situation.

Ours was bad enough, I humbly realize that throwing kidnapping into the mix would be an even deeper kind of hell.

as for our relationship, It could have pulled us apart (it does many couples) and I admit there were a couple of rough spots, but we were and are each other's best friend, so we instead became even closer.

Immediately after, I decided to stop eating. I was going to starve myself to death, thinking selfishly, cause i didn't want to live anymore. My wife, bless her, screamed at me " I can't lose our son AND you! I can't bear it!", which woke me up and made me realize what I was doing I was not doing to MYSELF but to her, too. After that, we agreed to stand together and its been rough at times, but ultimately our love transcended even that horror.

I know one time a friend asked me if I ever considered an affair (he was having one), and I said, after what we've been through together, I would never even consider it.

Its unfortunate that people do not understand what to say in these situations. I can't blame them entirely, though, because our modern society has not rituals to deal with loss, so people are at a loss as to what to say.

hugs to you again.

[bobbolink]

22. I feel so honored that you would share all that with me!

Please, again, give your wife a hug for me! I have some understanding of what she's been through, and having not even met her, I have a fondness for her in how she's made it through.

It's something like 90% of marriages don't survive the loss of a child, so give yourselves LOTS of strokes for overcoming such odds! There must be a real strength there, now! :applause:

The two couples of the shooters of Columbine are still together, too, and that says to me that, in the middle of all the mess, there was something right there in their relationships. (You may be interested to know that the pastor who was ministering to both couples was run out of town because people were so angry with him for considering these people to be his "flock", also!! How's that for true "christianity"?)

"our modern society has not rituals to deal with loss, so people are at a loss as to what to say."

Absolutely! BUT... the big question is, WHY don't we have these "rituals" in place? It's not like losing a child, or suffering a loss alone is something rare anymore.

Just the other day, I said to a friend that every one of these catastrophies triggers those of us who have, in some way, experienced some of this ourselves, and MOST of us didn't have the kind of outpouring of support that the Columbine or Va. Tech people had. So, how 'bout recognizing that, and putting something into place? It's not like it will never ever happen again!

They need to have a "ritual", as you said, already planned, and a list of churches or other venues where it could be done on short notice, NOT for those directly involved with the crisis in the news, but for those locally who are being triggered by it, and need their own support and consolation.

If we truly want strong families and strong communities, this is exactly what they will do. And if a small brain like mine can think of this, then surely those who are trained in ministry MUST have an inkling!

Again, I appreciate so much your sharing with me what is still painful, and my thoughts will continue to be with you.

:hug: :grouphug: :hug:

[brer cat]

13. Oh, Bobbie,

You have been suffering so much recently, and now Mother's Day with empty arms. It can't get any worse than that!

You are heroic to embrace the traditional (original) message of peace for Mother's Day, a very positive and hopeful outlook, but your suffering and that of other mothers with empty arms should be recognized and valued. Not one of us with living children would volunteer to walk even one day in your shoes...our children are so precious that we cannot conceive of that incredible loss.

I have personally hated Mother's Day since my mother died shortly after MD, and my daughter knows it must be a very low-key day. But I still have my daughter and grand daughters. There is no comparison.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Bobbie.



:hug:

[JNelson6563]

19. Thank you for your kind thoughtfulness

:hug:

[renate]

21. That is a beautiful message

I cannot put into words how sorry I am about your loss, and Lerkfish's loss, and the loss of all those who have lost their children. Nothing could be worse than losing your heart and still having to keep on going day after day. An amputation without anesthetic.

My most heartfelt condolences. :hug: