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Area Man Passionate Defender of What He Imagines Constitution to Be

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joeybee12 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jun-30-10 09:51 AM
Original message
Area Man Passionate Defender of What He Imagines Constitution to Be
ESCONDIDO, CASpurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.

Kyle Mortensen would gladly give his life to protect what he says is the Constitution's very clear stance against birth control. "Our very way of life is under siege," said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination. "It's time for true Americans to stand up and protect the values that make us who we are."

According to Mortensenan otherwise mild-mannered husband, father, and small-business ownerthe most serious threat to his fanciful version of the 222-year-old Constitution is the attempt by far-left "traitors" to strip it of its religious foundation.

"Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. "Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-man-passionate-de...
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GodlessBiker Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jun-30-10 09:53 AM
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1. Again, hard to distinguish the Onion from the truth sometimes.
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Lone_Star_Dem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jun-30-10 09:57 AM
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2. They pegged it
"Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination."

That's it in a nutshell.
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tridim Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jun-30-10 09:58 AM
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3. You're telling me Glenn Beck isn't a founding father?
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Iggo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jun-30-10 10:00 AM
Response to Original message
4. Area Man kills me every time. (n/t)
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hlthe2b Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jun-30-10 10:03 AM
Response to Original message
5. hmm.. parody is supposed to contain enough truth that it draws
you in, questioning whether it is real or not. In this case, parody has gone to the other extreme--so true that I can't find the parody, nor much humor in it.... :shrug:
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myrna minx Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jun-30-10 10:07 AM
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6. I'd laugh if it wasn't so close to the truth. n/t
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Ozymanithrax Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jun-30-10 10:15 AM
Response to Original message
7. I know Escondido, It is just 8 minutes North of my domicile...
And these people really live there, not to mention just next door in Poway or Arizona.
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Leftist Agitator Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jun-30-10 11:16 AM
Response to Original message
8. Best line:
"Don't just take my word for it," Mortensen added. "Try reading a newspaper or watching the news sometime."


QFT, unfortunately.
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emulatorloo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jun-30-10 11:45 AM
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9. Brilliant - thanks for the link n/t
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joeybee12 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jun-30-10 01:52 PM
Response to Original message
10. Vanity Kick...so accurate I don't know whether to...
:rofl:

or


:cry:
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Codeine Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jun-30-10 01:58 PM
Response to Original message
11. God I love The Onion.
"America's Dog Owners Want to Know: Who's a Good Boy?"
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