DU, I desperately need advice on a problem in my community:

[PreacherCasey]

First, a little background:
I am a Husband and Father in a large family. We live in relative luxury in an upscale, gated community which will remain unnamed. I have been fortunate in my life and have made myself fantastically wealthy through industry and the stock market. In addition, my home is equipped with the best security system money can buy. Incidentally, I also keep a large cache of weapons in my garage and pay several bodyguards and security personnel to keep my family and I safe.

Recently, however, I have run into a problem. It seems that the other people in my community have taken offense with some of my business dealings. You see, for the good of my family, I had to make some decisions which would ensure their continued prosperity. Though I am already quite well off and these dealings may do financial harm to some of the neighbors, I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to make even more money. Now, because of these business dealings, there have been several threats from the neighbors, vandalism to my home, and my son was jumped and beaten by the children of my belligerent neighbors. Since I am President of the community Board of Directors, I've decided to take action to bring peace back to our community. First off, I have convinced the rest of the Board to evict one of our neighbors on suspicion of harboring weapons in his garage. Of course, as I stated earlier, I also have weapons in my garage, however mine are purely for defensive purposes. Upon this neighbor’s eviction, I offered the home to a friend of mine who I felt fit in better with the community. Hopefully, he will be able to help me monitor the rest of the neighbors and assist me in protecting my family and personal property from further damage. Regardless, my Contracting company did all remodeling and landscaping work on his new home. It brought in a hefty profit, but I felt there wasn't anyone else who could do the work. Next I installed security cameras and listening devices throughout the community in order to catch future attacks in their planning phases. Of course, there was no need to advise the Board or the community members of this plan, since doing so would render it less effective IMO. My next order of business was to install a 10 foot security wall around the perimeter of my property. No illegitimate visitors are allowed on my property. I felt this was essential to ensuring the security of my family even though all of the neighbors opposed it and petitioned the Board of Directors to stop it. Of course, since the President of the community appoints the other board members, they chose to see it my way. That brings me to my real problem.

It seems in attempting to quell the initial vandalism and violence so unjustly perpetrated against me, I have actually stirred up more negative sentiment in the community. The other neighbors have actually stepped up their attacks on my family and property, and left me no choice but to step up my security measures even more. You see, reasoning with these people is out of the question. They simply wouldn't unconditionally accept all of my terms and, on top of that, they are all a bunch of Methodists and Lutherans! I mean, how am I expected to reason with people who are not even intelligent enough to worship the one true God whom I worship? Anyway, things have gotten really tense here over the last few weeks. I’m thinking about breaking out my weapons cache to bring about peace through an increased show of force. Policemen, paid by the office of the President, would occupy every street corner in the community and instantly quell any threats or violence, by force if necessary. I see no other way to keep peace in the community while still furthering my financial interests and maximizing profits.

I mean, why can’t these neighbors just accept that this is what’s best for them? What do you think?

[AndyA]

1. I'm glad I'm not one of your neighbors.

Your name wouldn't happen to be Bush, would it?

[Book Lover]

3. Put on the metaphor glasses (nm)

[cynatnite]

2. I think you ought to move the hell out before they force you out...

of course I meant that in the nicest way possible.

[Quakerfriend]

4. Sounds like the US of A, no?

[Ron Green]

5. "Reasoning with these people is out of the question"

There's your problem. As the First Citizen of this enclave, it's your responsibility to find ways to reason with them, and to lead your own family in forgiveness and charity for everyone in the neighborhood. It's your job.

[jpak]

6. Withhold their Tamiflu - that'll teach 'em

n/t

[pdrichards114]

7. The worst vice is advice but...

You are presuming to know what is best for them. This is very akin to the Bushies. They are forcing their ideology,beliefs, actions and results down others throats and questioning why don't people like it. I keep rereading your post and I'm wondering if you a republican. No liberal I know would or could ever behave like this.

I sure hope that this is a satirical rant designed to provoke a response.

[Matariki]

26. have to hope your response is satirical as well ;-)

[BeyondGeography]

8. Is Billy Jack writing Nigerian e-mails now?

The only thing missing from your post is a last-sentence plea for cash.

[marions ghost]

77. n/t

[Redstone]

9. OK, I get it.

I didn't on the first reading.

Redstone

[babylonsister]

10. This is a joke, right?

"Though I am already quite well off and these dealings may do financial harm to some of the neighbors"

[PreacherCasey]

14. It is an attempt to personalize our current foreign policy and

evoke the kind of response which I also experience when confronted with the greed and unrelenting avarice of the US ruling class.

[zanne]

11. What!? No nukes?

I hear you can make alot of friends with depleted uranium. (Do you write?)

[PreacherCasey]

24. Actually, a friend of mine put me on to this guy, an Arab guy,

who he assured me had at least chemical and biological weapons and probably nukes. When I went to see the guy about procuring some, it turned out that he was full of shit and the guy didn't have anything. (Yes, in my spare time. I never tried to publish anything)

[DURHAM D]

12. How can you keep your tongue stuck firmly into your cheek

for that many paragraphs?

[conscious evolution]

13. That's pretty good

I thought you were posting about a reallife personnal problem till halfway through the second paragraph.

[Canuckistanian]

15. Here's my advice

Stonewall, deny, ignore and criticize your neighbors.

Then, when they're about to rebel against you, grab everything that isn't nailed down and head for the hills (Paraguay is nice this time of year).

[Uben]

16. I live in a luxury gated community

And, I'll tell you up front, you would be gone in a heartbeat if you did that crap around here!
If I had found out you had installed security cameras without the express consent of the membership, I would not only sue you for everythihng you have, I would probably peresonally confront you on it! Who the hell do you think you are? God?

You are a poor excuse for a human being. Sorry, but you asked for it!

Assuming, of course, that any of what you say is real.

[cynatnite]

17. Metaphor is your friend n/t

[Nicole]

37. Uben had

if you took that seriously.

[Spazito]

18. LOL, sounds just like my neighbor to the south!

Well done, very well done.

[rinsd]

19. Its Tortured Metaphor Tuesday! (nt)

[pberq]

20. Great writing!

I especially like the part about evicting the neighbor for harboring weapons, and saying that of course yours are for defensive purposes only.

This hits the nail on the head - the hypocrisy and just plain insanity of the Bush admin. foreign policy. As in the case of your story, the increased arming and security efforts only bring about great hostility.

[liberalitch]

21. Eventually the Lutherans and Methodists will.....

.... understand your will through your show of force. AND for one of these lucretive contracts I will agree with anything you say, in spite of how it angers my neighbors.
I mean what will they do? elect more dancing, wine sipping protestants to the condo board?
Tell them to smile and go shopping.... oh, and keep up the good work!

ciao!

[liberalnurse]

22. Sell you rhome and move to Crawford Texas.

You have burned all your bridges............Find a like peer group.

[Timbuk3]

23. I hope you have the good sense...

...to be putting all of these expenses on your neighbor's children's credit cards.

Other than that, you sound like a "good American", "spreading freedom" wherever you go. You should go out of your way to make sure that everyone knows that if they don't agree with you, especially on matters of religion and you keeping your wealth, you'll kill them sooner or later. Oh, one more thing. Resist the urge to talk to anyone who disagrees with you in anything other than belligerent and demeaning terms or they might start to think they're your equal.

It won't be long before you can't leave your property, or allow anyone else on it...not even the delivery boy with your food...but what the heck...

...you'll have a lot of money so you'll be happy. You don't need anything else.

[NV Whino]

25. You do need to post

the smilie for those metaphor challenged people. Good post... for those of us who "get it."

[BlooInBloo]

70. No she/he doesn't. Pandering to idiots perpetuates idiocy.

[stevedeshazer]

27. Fantastic

You are my new allegorical friend.

Great post.

K & R

[Redstone]

33. And so well-done that I missed it on first read.

Redstone

[stevedeshazer]

41. Yeah, I got a long way through before I realized where it was going myself n/t

[PreacherCasey]

47. Thanks Redstone and Steve_DeShazer.

[Redstone]

59. Ya welcome. You had me going there for a while, though. Good thing I edited in time.

Redstone

[Jacobin]

28. Apparently, DUers are metaphor deprived on Tuesday afternoons

I like it.

[EstimatedProphet]

86. So it would appear...

Granted, the OP is subtle, but still...

[madokie]

29. can I ask a question. How in the hell did you find DU

this has to be the hardest thing I have ever read on here.

[bigbrother05]

30. What state are those religious freaks from?

[LeftishBrit]

31. I think the best solution would be for you to move house as soon as possible!

And take your lodger Tony with you.

And next time, don't start any grand schemes before you get planning permission!

[Dorian Gray]

32. Heh...

Point taken.

Unfortunately, it seems like a few here have missed your point. But, well written PreacherCasey!

[ms liberty]

34. K&R - excellent metaphor! n/t

[likesmountains 52]

35. Wow...nice piece...way to go Preacher Casey...recommended!

[librechik]

36. hmm--you may have to break out a small tactical nuke to remove your neighbors

too bad it will probably destroy your compound as well. But right is right, right?

[Nicole]

38. Excellent writing n/t

[outofbounds]

39. You can't leave your neighborhood

If you did the neighbors would just rob each other. As long as you are there they have someone worth ganging up on. You have to be strong, set them straight and show them the folly of their way. Regardless of how much longer they have been there is irrelevant you are smarter wealthier and should be revered for your success. I mean, just who do these people think they are talking to.


Sarcasm should be obvious

[qwlauren35]

40. Dear Husband and Father...

I write this with all sincerity, because I live in your community and see you and your family every day, even though you don't know me.

I understand that you are concerned about your neighbors, but I don't think you've been keeping an eye on your children. Some of them are doing FANTASTICALLY well in every way. Good schools, good jobs, etc. But some of them are not. Some of them are sick and others, well... I think the example you're setting with that weapons stockpiling has influenced them. They have warped ideas about weaponry and violence that are causing them to act anti-socially. There are a few of your grandchildren who were living in an area that got hit by a hurricane. They really need your help right now.

And I realize that not everyone is as good as you are about finances, but your parents are broke. And so are some of your siblings.

As sometimes happens with successful husbands, it can be hard to turn away from the area where you feel most successful and powerful, and look at what's happening at home. (And no, don't start blaming the au pair.) As a good Christian man, it's your responsibility to lead in the home. To care for your family, and to WATCH OVER THEM WITH LOVE.

Honestly man, you've been delegating the role of father to others; they can't love your children as you would. Your friends and business associates aren't supposed to be the ones who nurture your children.

My dear sir, while you are out playing god, there appears to be a snake in your garden, approaching your children and tempting them with evil. I foresee pain and suffering. I foresee times when you feel a need to sacrifice your own children, thinking that this somehow spares some from others. And that your children shall kill each other, and you will mark them as a punishment, instead of preventing it.
I appeal to your Christian sense of right!!!!

Then again, when I read over your concerns, I realize that you ARE willing to sacrifice your children...

I guess I'll just never get the entire Christianity thing...

Dear Husband and Father... may your God embrace you into his bosom... as soon as possible.

[PreacherCasey]

44. Beautiful.

I concur 100%. Let's just hope humanity embraces the values set forth in your post, and not their reciprocal, the OP.

[Lisa]

42. may I suggest a unilateral pre-emptive strike?

Those who claim that you have "stirred up more negative sentiment" are probably a bunch of Commie hippie troublemakers. You must provide a display of force which will remind them to be grateful that you are keeping order in the community. Why should you have to listen to such witless liberal babbling when it is clearly due to a) jealousy, and b) unpatriotic backbiting? Clearly your way is the best way (would you own so much property if it weren't?). I wouldn't be at all surprised if they have been giving you such moronic advice as "let's all try to get along", "turn the other cheek", and "do unto others as you would like done unto you" -- typical loser talk. As my kids say, "What-ever!"

Those ingrates will be laughing on the other side of their faces if you take an armoured bulldozer to their houses. The neighborhood will be so much more enjoyable once you finish putting in some new luxury homes (courtesy of your contracting company, of course) and invite your own friends, people you really like, to move in. The malcontents can go live in cardboard boxes after that -- who cares what they think?

[qwlauren35]

43. Now THAT

was delicious.

His was too allegorical. Yours was blatant enough to be unmistakable sarcasm. I wish I could say satire or parody, but I think we try to reserve those for situations less grave than what we face right now.

[AngryAmish]

45. Who gave you the right to do all this stuff?

I think the cameras and policemen are a bit over the top. Where do you live?

[cynatnite]

53. The story is a metaphor...not real n/t

[AngryAmish]

60. A metaphor for what?

Being jerks to your neighbors?

[PreacherCasey]

62. US dealings with the rest of the world (eom)

[AngryAmish]

63. The US does not deal fairly with the rest of the world

But that does not give you a right to push your neighbors around.

[PreacherCasey]

64. Um... this is allegory

1 : the expression by means of symbolic fictional figures and actions of truths or generalizations about human existence; also : an instance (as in a story or painting) of such expression
2 : a symbolic representation

I really don't want to spell it all out. I intended it to be open to some degree of interpretation.

...not sure if you're just messing with me.

[Nostradammit]

66. LMFAO!!!

This thread is hysterical! The original post was well-written but some of the replies have me in stitches.

You know you've erred on the side of being too obtuse when you get these responses.

Preach On, Brother ~

Preach On...

[WilliamPitt]

71. Oh. My. God.

[Richard Steele]

87. And mine as well. Wow! nm

[RevolutionStartsNow]

46. Look out, the Board of Directors is going to impeach you...

for crimes against the community.

Your neighbors don't like you, nor do your children.

Didn't you see them marching on your lawn last weekend?

[qwlauren35]

80. Good one!

I just wish this husband didn't seem to have so much stock.

Firing a CEO seems to be a cakewalk compared to getting rid of this guy.

[shireen]

48. i'm slow ...

(edited to fix typo)


at first, my reaction was

so i took a quick look at your past posts to see if you were nuts. apparently not.

then i got it. metaphor. duh!

i'm slow.

you're one damned good writer with one damned good imagination. thanks for that kick in the butt!

[kestrel91316]

49. I think you had best start worrying about a mob with

pitchforks and torches and a guillotine.

'Cause the community is about fed up with your BS, Dubya!!!!!!!!!!!!

[MichiganVote]

50. Quite simple really. You need an "augmentation".

[Irreverend IX]

51. How the hell can anyone not see that the OP is satire?

The funniest thing about these posts is the mouth-breathers who take them seriously. Anyway, this guy's kids should stab him in his sleep, take over the household and end all the intrusions into their neighbors' affairs.

[The Backlash Cometh]

52. Damn. Sounds like he lives in my community.

X'cept for the retaliation part. I'm still wondering what's finally going to be the tipping factor.

[EvolveOrConvolve]

54. Great post!

Unfortunately, there are people without a good sense of sarcasm or metaphor, so you may want to drop the smily into your posts.

[AlCzervik]

55. Well done!

[rug]

56. I knew this was phony when I saw you lived in Scranton.

[PreacherCasey]

57. HAHA! What, you didn't hear about all the upscale communities

and high paying jobs in Scranton?

[tjwash]

58. That was damn good.

You actually had my blood boiling for a few seconds before I figured it out.

Well done!

The sad part is though; I know some people in an old Condo association that I used to belong to that acted a lot like what you were describing...right down to vandalism, fences, and security cameras. So it wasn't a stretch for me to actually visualize what your metaphor was describing.

[Samantha]

61. George, we don't allow Freepers here either

so just withdraw into your state of denial.

[flying rabbit]

65. attack Iran now!

is the OP an allegory or a metaphor? How ironic.

[CalebHayes]

67. How goes the mafia?

[UncleSepp]

68. Pretty good, up till this point

"how am I expected to reason with people who are not even intelligent enough to worship the one true God whom I worship?"

This bit is too obvious. Also, the religious extremists on the Other Side do not make their arguments for worship of their One True God on the basis of intelligence. By going this route, you forgo the ability to make further arguments about your target's lack of respect for intelligence and reason. Take it out so that you can make the evolution argument later on, k? It's about strategy, not tactics. Be consistent, or the little snipes will needle you to death.

Other than that, B++ !!

[AlienGirl]

69. ...

[PreacherCasey]

88. Appreciate the feedback, however

I was not implying that the religious extremists on the other side make their arguments for worship based on intelligence.

I was trying to show the condescension of the President toward people of other faiths or no religious faith. I believe he thinks that they are lesser life forms, and hence, less intelligent. I equate it to some wealthy people's disdain for the poor, as if they are poor because of some genetic deficiency.

Perhaps it was a stretch and a little obvious, but obviously not obvious enough for some!

Cheers.

[Breeze54]

72. Are you off your meds??

You have weapons and your neighbor has weapons but HE has to go??

HYPOCRITE!!!

Live with it!!

Almost the smallest violin in the world playing,
"My heart bleeds for you"



NOT!!

[Warren DeMontague]

73. The problem is, you're not really the husband and father.

You swiped the real husband & father's wallet & keys 7 years ago. You're just some crackhead who wandered in off the street, probably knee deep in the liquor cabinet as we speak.

Fortunately, sooner or later the actual owners of the home will get their act together, and start running the place properly.

[tkmorris]

74. LOL, you had me going

I caught on midway through the second paragraph. Very well played sir!

I am surprised so many other DU'ers didn't get the gag. It's not THAT hard to see your real point.

[iwillalwayswonderwhy]

75. Dear Husband and Father

Seems you are wondering why we are all angry with you. First of all, none of us really believe you were elected president of the Homeowner's Association. After all, your good friends, the Judges, are the ones who said you'd won the election, the rest of us thought the votes should be recounted, but no, you had them shreded. Then, when it was time for reelection, I still have the letter that says the vote was on Wednesday. Imagine my surprise, when I found out on Wednesday, that the election had been voted on Tuesday. All of your so-called cronies had Tuesday letters.

But what is really getting us is the special assessment charges. You tell us in meetings it will be $1000. Ouch. It hurts but is sometimes necessary. But you ALWAYS underestimate the costs. The last special assessment was almost $50,000. We're all going broke over the decisions you make.

We're now at the point where we are having meetings without you and 70% of us want you gone. Meanwhile, you hopped on your giant riding lawnmower and laughed and hooted as you aimed it directly at your neighbors who were trying to have a backyard picnic. You are a maniac. You are insane.

[jgraz]

76. Look out! You're in trouble now!!

I hear the Homeowner's Association is about to adopt a symbolic resolution disagreeing with your plans. That'll show you!

[marions ghost]

78. cast:

husband & father = Robin Williams
wife of husband & father = Janeane Garofalo
girlfriend of husband & father = Sarah Silverman
president of homeowners assn = Jim Carrey
sleezeball friend (mafia-connected businessman) = Steve Martin
lawyer = Stephen Colbert
mollymaid = Ellen Degeneneris
methodists and lutherans = Bill Murray and Chevy Chase
neighbor harboring weapons in his garage = Dave Chapelle (as white guy)
outed CIA agent neighbor now selling Mary Kay = Meryl Streep
arab weapons dealer = Ben Stiller
policemen = Chris Rock, Mencia
other police = cast of Reno 911
woman who runs Jesus Camp next door to gated community = Roseanne

[redwitch]

79. Hi. I live just outside your gated community

Nobody has even asked me over for a cup of coffee. So I invited myself last weekend and half a million of my closest friends. We'll be back.
We think you are an arrogant bully and we will ultimately kick your butt right out of town. I just hope we can do it before you cause WW3.




edited to add: Preacher you are brilliant!

[Lydia Leftcoast]

81. People! This is a parable, not a real situation!

[IronLionZion]

82. The best course of action for you now is to bomb Iran. Get to it.

excellent way of making your point.

[Buzz Clik]

83. When they come with the torches and pitchforks ...

I'll be the one with a torch AND a pitchfork.

P.S. Everyone loves a parable.

[DerBeppo]

84. who says freepers have a monopoly on having no sense of humor?

Some of the replys in this thread are astounding in their denseness.

[bvar22]

85. Sounds like trouble is brewing!

IMHO, you have been too kind to your neighbors who clearly don't understand that you have their best interests at heart. I suspect that some of your jealous neighbors have been talking about you. This MUST be nipped in the bud!