Scientists create machine that turns corporations into actual people

[ck4829]

Conservatives are celebrating today as scientists at the American Enterprise Institute announced that their machine that turns corporations into living, breathing people is a success.

"Finally the oppression of corporate citizens will come to an end, because they'll actually be citizens", one AEI lobbyist was quoted as saying. A man on the Family Research Council also said that "Big Oil and the Banks will soon be free to do as they please and that's not bad."

Republicans are announcing that they will be working tirelessly to create changes to laws so the new corporate citizens will be able to adjust to society.

Social programs will be getting slashes, 100% slashes, so that corporate citizens will have some money to start out with. No word yet on if corporate citizens will have the same lifetime limits that poor single mothers on welfare currently get.

Corporate citizens will be pretty much immune from civil and/or criminal liability if the things they make maim or kill you.

Corporate citizens will get off easy if charged with embezzlement, fraud, perjury, etc. They have to be able to adjust to their new way of life.

Since corporate citizens are too big to fail, if they run in front of a bus or fall off a cliff, then their remains will be collected and sent to the hospital. They will be on the priority list for organs and if that fails then all the power will be rerouted from the hospital and maybe even the city they're in to revive them in a Frankensteinesque manner. Sorry all you bums on life support!

The AEI has also announced that it is creating an exploratory committee for corporate citizens to become President. Could we see an ExxonMobil/Halliburton ticket in 2012?

[havocmom]

1. If they make corporations into actual people, I'm happy.

I have big strong friends who are not above beating the crap outta sociopaths who have caused so much damage to other actual people.

Yeah, it's sorta vigilante and all, but my friends are tired of calling cops on the people who seem to own the cops, so whadda I gonna do?

[Bitwit1234]

2. Didn't the republican majority of the supreme court do that.

I mean at least it gave them the same rights as an individual.

[baldguy]

3. We already have people who behave like corporations.

We call them sociopaths.

[Carter Hayes]

4. Exactly. Took the words right out of my mouth.

Corporations are the problem. Not the solution