I Don't Even Want To Be Alive Anymore by Rush Limbaugh

[Fuzz]

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/i_dont_even_wan...

Gotta love the Onion

___________________________

I know there are a lot of people out there who are upset about some of the things I've been saying on my radio program lately. My comments about the situation in Haiti have hurt and angered many Americans who genuinely care about the plight of the Haitian people, and that hurt and anger will likely never go away. Many of you are probably wondering, "What would compel a human being to say things like that?" Well, here's your answer: I am a very bad person. And, to tell you the truth, I don't really want to be alive anymore.

Try to look at it from my point of view. I have no reason to live. In my 59 years, I've made millions of dollars, built a veritable media empire, and accomplished virtually everything that a man of my limited imagination and worldview could possibly accomplish. And yet, at this point, in no way could you refer to what I'm doing as "living," exactly. I just sort of exist. I derive no real pleasure from life. Oh, sure, I talk a big game about what a golf nut I am and how much I enjoy the taste of a fine cigar, but it's all horseshit. Complete and utter horseshit.

I don't enjoy that stuff. I don't enjoy anything. I don't even want to be here. The sadness and regret I feel every waking hour of my life is absolutely unbearable. I am a miserable pig and I do not want to exist.

The irony is that, even if I did die, the hell I would surely be sent to could not possibly be any worse than the bottomless pool of excrement I already paddle around in like some demented, shit-covered walrus. In fact, every time I hear my voice coming through the headphones I nearly gag, and I think, "What the fuck am I doing?" Why would I say that Michael J. Fox is faking his Parkinson's symptoms? Why would I find it funny to play a song called "Barack the Magic Negro"? Why would I tell people not to give aid to Haiti?

EDITED BY ADMIN: COPYRIGHT

[Blue Owl]

1. Talk about a knockout gut-punch to the windbag

Love it. In my mind, Ru$h's legacy will always be:

"The most abominable lump of festering dog shit in the history of American broadcasting."

[LLStarks]

2. The Onion never ceases to amaze me. nt

[Leftist Agitator]

3. There are no words to describe how awesome this is,

[Tailormyst]

4. "demented, shit-covered walrus"

:ROFL:

omg. I love the Onion.

[cutlassmama]

5. that would be so very, very acceptable...

I am a very bad person. And, to tell you the truth, I don't really want to be alive anymore.

[mdmc]

6. thanks for the OP

[Fuzz]

9. My pleasure.

[gratuitous]

7. Rush Limbaugh didn't write that

No way in hell would that cocksucker ever say he's sorry about anything. But it had me going until that point.

[old mark]

8. Rec. 1. can we send him a copy of this? and 2. Retsch, if you need help

pulling that trigger sometime, just PM me.



mark

[grace0418]

10. Those folks at the Onion are pure genius.

Wow.

[SoxFan]

11. Well...

While I agree with the assesment of Limbaugh as a demented, shit-covered walrus, I have a hard time laughing about the notion of suicide.

Sorry.

[Richardo]

12. Enthusiastic K&R

"...everything that a man of my limited imagination and worldview could possibly accomplish. "

[hlthe2b]

13. Surely Limbaugh's new lady* is enough to bring joy

of living to the old bastard...



*(beard)

[Quantess]

14. Eecch! There's a woman willing to touch him?

[FourScore]

15. scathing! k&r

[Edweird]

16. I love the onion.

[Initech]

17. That is awesome.

[Swamp Rat]

18. "Excellent my friends, excellent."

[leveymg]

20. That's unkind to toads.

[Fuzz]

21. Eww

[Autumn]

19. I Don't Even Want Rush Limbaugh

To Be Alive Anymore.