(SATIRE)
October 13th, 2009
http://www.TheDesperateBlogger.comJust one day after a bombshell eleventh-hour report about the cost of the Senate Finance Committee’s proposed health care plan was dropped onto Capitol Hill by the insurance industry, Committee members received more bad news today: insurance claims for injuries they sustained during the course of the debate will not be paid.
“None of the alleged injuries claimed by any of the Senators involved is covered,” according to legendary industry analyst and consultant Mark E. de Sade. “In my opinion, workers comp is probably a no-go as well. As politicians, injuries they are claiming are most certainly the direct result of pre-existing conditions.”
It all began yesterday when 16 of the 23 members of the Senate Finance Committee, including Chairman Max Baucus (D-MT) and the entire ‘Gang of Six’ responsible for the final bill, appeared in the emergency room at Walter Reade Medical Center for treatment of injuries sustained when they were reportedly “thrown under the bus” by the health insurance lobby.
Five of the 16, most notably Senators Baucus and Grassley (R-IA) also complained of back, neck, and other “undisclosed” injuries suffered during a marathon ‘advisory’ session with lobbyists where they reportedly “tried to stay loose by periodically grabbing their ankles”.
Paul Sokoloff, a hospital administrator who spoke on condition of anonymity due to privacy restrictions, told reporters, “I feel for them. Aside from the obvious injuries, they are facing huge bills and an uphill battle to get their claims paid. In the interest of public health, the hospital will not bill the ankle-grabbing related patients for the penicillin and tetanus shots, but all other care received will be their responsibility. And I can pretty much guarantee you, before the insurers pay a penny for back and neck injuries, they’re going to insist on seeing evidence that the patients do, in fact, have spines.”
In other news… Norwegian immigration officials have placed American musician Kanye West on the country’s “Terrorist Watch List” effective immediately and until the end of the year. “We get MTV over here too,” said government spokesman Bjorn Kipper, “and there’s no way he’s getting anywhere near the Nobel presentation ceremony.”
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