I Just "UnFriended" Some Idiot on FB - Democratic Underground

I was trolling the ”friends of my friends” on FaceBook and came across a name that instantly rang a bell – one Jesus Christ.

I just couldn’t quite place it. But there was something familiar there.

If you’re FB experienced, you know you don’t want to be sending out a “friend request” to just anybody, without knowing their details. You could wind up with some crackpot who writes crap like "Judge not lest ye be judged" on your Wall, or fills your Inbox with invitations to join those fringe FB groups like "Peace On Earth Now" – or worse, some radical political organization with an innocuous-sounding name like "Blessed Are The Peacemakers".

So I decided to do a little research before adding JC to my Friends list – because, for Christ’s sake, all of my other friends would see him there, and I wouldn’t want to get an FB rep of hanging, on a cross or otherwise, with the wrong crowd.

Well, as they say, Google is your friend. Turns out this Jesus guy is pretty famous! Yeah, who knew? Long-haired hippie-type, judging from the photos – but hey, people can change. Besides, looks like he was a part-tay guy back in the day – once threw a BYOW thing when he was in high school, and gave a festival-type concert on a mount somewhere that drew a substantial crowd. (Unfortunately, Wikipedia didn’t have any info on what instrument he played, or whether he was doing covers or original stuff – but apparently the audience loved him, despite the “fishes and loaves” catering. )

So I figured this guy was cool enough for me, and sent him a friend request – and I’ll be damned if he didn’t accept it before I actually sent it – like he knew it was comin’ or something.

Anyway, once we were “friends” and I had access to his FB Info, I must say I was pretty unimpressed: Single (okay). Capricorn (I can make allowances). Trained as a carpenter, but unwilling to work in the biz (no sense of $$$ success). Run-ins with the law (anti-social psycho). Lived with mom-and-dad into his thirties (probably gay). Best buds: Matthew, John, Paul, Luke, etc. (definitely gay). Favorite quotes: “Sell everything you possess and give the money to the poor, and you shall have wealth in Heaven; and then come, follow me." (Communist) and “Greater love than this hath no man, that he lay down his life for his brother.” (terrorist – no, gay terrorist).

Despite the fact that His “We’re Related” list included God, I couldn’t help but notice the following: Favorite movies? None listed. Favorite TV shows? None listed. Favorite music? None listed. Need. I. Go. On?

It became apparent that Jesus Christ was a loser of the first order – which kind of explains why I never found his listing on ClassMates. (He probably sat at the nerd table in the cafeteria – a distinction which, as we all know, will haunt you for the rest of your miserable life.)

But I (and I say this with all humility) didn’t want to embarrass the jerk – so I left him on my Friends list, hoping no one would notice – or, if they did, would put it down to my charitable nature, my propensity for friending the friendless in an effort to elevate their FB popularity via an association with moi.

So far, so good. But He just couldn’t give it a rest.

I’m on FB taking the "Why We HAVE to Torture to be Safe" survey when the chat window opens – and who is it but the self-proclaimed “Prince of Peace” himself. (He was shown as being off-line at the time – but computerdom has its glitches).

And then it begins:

Jesus Christ: “Hi, Nance – how r u?”

Nance: “Kinda busy – ttyl?”

Jesus Christ: “That’s what everyone says when I show up – LOL!”

Nance: “No, like really – gotta go, REALLY busy. There’s a bunch of loonies in my country who want the poor to have access to healthcare, want the middle-class to share in profits their labor generates instead of it going to corporate execs and already-wealthy company shareholders, want torturers to be held accountable for their actions, want peace, justice, freedom, equality – dammit, Jesus, can’t your crap wait until I finish playing ”Death Panels R Real?” I’m less than three thousand points away from kickin’ the shit outta Sarah Palin’s record!

Jesus Christ: “But that’s exactly what I want to talk to you about. If you’re familiar with my words and my teachings, you know that …”

Yadda, yadda, yadda. This guy was on my last nerve now.

So I did it. I “unfriended” Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, did I have a fuckin’ choice here?

Turns out He’s still there – unfriended status notwithstanding. Still showing up on Chat when He’s the last person on earth I want to hear from. Still filling my Inbox with links to shit like "Throw the Money-Changers Out of the Temple" group invites. Still posting His “As You Do To the Least Among You, So You Do Unto ME” crapola on my Wall – and, for some inexplicable reason, the “remove” option doesn’t seem to work.

So be forewarned, FBers – don’t GO there. This Jesus character is a manipulative SOB. It doesn’t matter if you believe He’s a Saviour or not – he’ll start teachin’ and preachin’ until you get to thinking He just might be on to something. And then, next thing you know, you’re lovin’ your neighbor as yourself, thinking about how you can help the down-and-out, and caring about people who never made your Friends list in the first place.

It could happen.

Really.

It could.

...and he returned to this Earth - he'd be CRUCIFIED - in short order. IF that hasn't happened already - at least once.

All these "moral" people here on this planet - and ESPECIALLY in the U.S. of A$$, got NO USE for this Jesus Christ guy and especially not for any of his "teachings".

I think they've made that - if nothing else - perfectly clear.

EDIT: and yea, I know your OP was satire. Sorta.

I said all along that if Jesus ever returned, Pat Robertson would be the one who pounded the nails in the cross while everyone else cheered.

Oh. My. God.

How fucking perfect!

I am absolutely cracking up here!

So Perfect!

Thank you!

And of course, without saying: K&R! :patriot:

but he's not the only one.

:thumbsup:

It deserves a sticky!

Nance, you are a treasure. Thank you.

...but we're being watched these days...

summed up my politics/faith intersection to a tee.

I've been a fan of your writing for ages now but I must say, this is one of your best ever. Humour, satire, and more than just a ring of truth. This one has it all.

... and I thank you for doing so.

Welcome to the DU family!

... wherever she is. A posthumous member of the "What part of Christ's teachings do you NOT get?" FB group.

She didn't take any crap from either of us. And I doubt she'd be any more tolerant of the gay-bashing, torture-lovin', FAUX-News watchin' idiots who she never lived long enough to know.

It's no longer a matter of whether I believe in God - it's a matter of whether He believes in me.

I'm just going to go with the premise that He does - me, and everyone else.

Yeah, we're a disappointment more often than not. But we have our moments. I think that's what He's counting on.

that last line is beautiful.

NG, may your soul always feel loved. regardless of the 'stupid' mistakes we all make, the good we do triumphs over our failings.

He kept updating:

Ow. that fucking hurts. Ow. Ow.
Where is my mother?
Wow, Simon, I can see your house from here.

Stood up while we were still working on the soup course and said "Hey, I'm going to die horribly tomorrow, and none of you dudes will lift a finger to help me. Have a nice day". Then he starts crumbling up the matzos and makes this weird little speech about cannibalism of all unlikely subjects! Completely put us off our feed.

I think the guy has Issues. Do you think we should go for an Intervention?

eta: And He seemed like such a nice Jewish boy, too! I was thinking about introducing Him to my cousin Sarah...

I know all about it - and that was serious laugh I needed after a long week - thanks!

You are a wise woman indeed. :loveya:

Anything other than now is never.

Think I'll pass that one on.

As always thanks for the entertainment.

Especially on Sundays, cuz they sure as heck don't want His kind anywhere near those megapulpits (bad for bidness, doncha know)!

Where's the "REC" option for thread replies?

God bless you, Nance! K&R 33!

(ps - I always used to asked at my Methodist church, while growing up, how would our church treat a homeless long-haired Jesus who smiled and walked up to our church - let's just say, they became uneasy with me 'going there'... or for saying how the one lady who ran the youth group reminded me of Diana Ross, but white.)

for the morning crowd.

My daughter got me involved with FB. At first it was fun re-connecting with people I hadn't heard from in decades. Maybe I'm lucky or just the fact I've always kept a small circle of close friends, most the people I connected with were and still are liberal/progressive Democrats. Sometimes my FB feed looks like GD...friends posting this news story or that one. Kinda neat to know that most of my friends hold similar views that I do...but again, I believe this is based on one being attracted to those who you share common causes and experiences with.

I don't go out seeking "friends" and have rejected several I don't know. But there are a couple who have slipped into the wingnut realm...and again, so be it. As long as they're civil and can dialogue, I have no problem with even the most obnoxious wingnut. It's when someone projects and attacks, that's where my line is crossed.

There's a rule I have on FB that applies to DU and the online world as well...don't assume and take this thing personally. In my way too many years playing online, I've seen how easy it is for words to fly off a keyboard and sent before things are thought out. Thus my rule of never personally attacking anyone who I have a disagreement with...until they cross the line, then the dialogue is over. As Barney Frank said so aptly...I'd do better arguing with a dining room table.

Nance...your post reminds me of the comedy bit Cheech & Chong did about Jesus returning and ending up in a drug bust. If he/she/it did return, most so-called xtians (especially of the right wing ilk) wouldn't recongize him.

Cheers...

:toast:

(I just got on there so I could spy on my teenage daughters ;-)

)

But I am a big fan of your writing, Nance... I think this is one of your bestest ever. Thanks for taking the time to write it.

After reading about three or four times....and musing for a while...
Finally got around to recommending...
Can't unfriend...can't ungift.
Much to think about....Life.

peace~

But isn't everyone on FB losers by definition?

Thank you Nance- just what i needed to hear today.

k&r

Why don't you tell us ALL ABOUT IT!!! I CAN'T WAIT to hear the details.

If I gave 2 shits about face book, I'd be on face book.

Also: TLDR

it's late and I hope my description of Nance's great writing resembles what she'd called it - but you're way off in your quick-draw thinking that the subject title is meant literally! Read it, you might find yourself inspired.

Then again, if you're the type to blow off the post without even reading it while still making a comment - even though your fellow DUers have put it over the 100 rec plateau and not wondering that maybe then it's more than what you think, there's no point in trying to get you to take the time to be provoked to think about what she's referencing.

And if that's the finality of your connection to this phenomenal OP, then that's your loss.

And as I hit post message to review my comment, I see that acronym "TLDR" that you ended your comment with, and looked it up - "TOO LONG DIDN'T READ"

WTF? You DO realize this is a DISCUSSION site, right? Not a series of AOL "comment on a story" posts, right?

Next time, it's probably best you don't thoroughly embarrass yourself by whining about a post you didn't read and therefore had no comprehension of WTF you're talking about, it's not somebody complaining about a real event. LOL... juss sayin'

The point is that a lot of people take shit like face book very seriously, and it drives me crazy. If I see a post with a title like that - especially one with a lot of recommendations - I have a knee-jerk reaction to it. Unfortunately, I do see posts like that all of the time.

As for "TLDR", it is basically a joke. Yes, it's a discussion site, but if I see something about someone's personal internet relationships followed by an incredibly long post, I'm going to put it there - that's the point of the humor behind it. If the post was about something else, I would have like the title to reflect that so that I would have actually read it.

"Know him? Nigga owes me twelve bucks!" :evilgrin:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpVkRu0QkE8

but I'm sure there would be static from the right-wing if he wanted to make a speech to the kids.

There are over 500 Jesus Christ on FB and only 474 John Lennon.So I guess that
"We're More Popular Than Jesus Christ" is no longer true. :rofl:

I suspect that - if JC was real, existed (or whatever you believe)....	Triana	Sep-26-09 12:46 AM	#1
Kinda like this ...	NanceGreggs	Sep-26-09 02:15 AM	#22
'Zactly! n/t	Triana	Sep-26-09 09:14 AM	#29
Truer words have never been written	Joe Bacon	Sep-26-09 07:11 PM	#46
My dear Nance!	CaliforniaPeggy	Sep-26-09 12:49 AM	#2
I'd call him a cockeyed optimist,	bleever	Sep-26-09 12:51 AM	#3
K&R. Thanks again, Nance. nt	gateley	Sep-26-09 12:51 AM	#4
This doesn't deserve a rec (even though I gave it one)	Sinistrous	Sep-26-09 12:53 AM	#5
I could have some real fun with that guy...	Lagomorph	Sep-26-09 01:01 AM	#6
Right.on.the.mark.	pkdu	Sep-26-09 01:04 AM	#7
.	struggle4progress	Sep-26-09 01:04 AM	#8
One of your best - EVER!	HappyCynic	Sep-26-09 01:07 AM	#9
You are seeing me through very kind eyes, HC ...	NanceGreggs	Sep-26-09 01:13 AM	#10
i've got a big smile on my face.	DesertFlower	Sep-26-09 01:17 AM	#11
So does Sister Joseph Anita ...	NanceGreggs	Sep-26-09 01:29 AM	#13
Jesus would love you Nance.	kentuck	Sep-26-09 01:23 AM	#12
I think He and I share some common ground ...	NanceGreggs	Sep-26-09 01:40 AM	#15
oh, dang, I got something in my eye, look at me looking like I'm crying!	Divine Discontent	Sep-26-09 05:08 AM	#27
I had him friended , but last year around Passover he was acting all weird and stuff.	imdjh	Sep-26-09 01:38 AM	#14
Yeah, He like totally ruined the seder	FloridaJudy	Sep-26-09 01:49 PM	#37
nothing like a 2000 year old guy harshing your groove...	bhikkhu	Sep-26-09 01:49 AM	#16
Thank you sweetheart!	Patchuli	Sep-26-09 01:51 AM	#17
As long as he does not send his BFF the Archangel	nadinbrzezinski	Sep-26-09 01:53 AM	#18
Truly said.	patrice	Sep-26-09 01:56 AM	#19
k and r	Wetzelbill	Sep-26-09 01:58 AM	#20
Nice stuff Nance	Egnever	Sep-26-09 02:00 AM	#21
Thank You.	voc	Sep-26-09 02:16 AM	#23
Hey, next time He pops up send Him to DU.	madamesilverspurs	Sep-26-09 02:45 AM	#24
Hey!	NanceGreggs	Sep-26-09 02:48 AM	#25
the spirit of who Christ is, shines brightly in some very special people	Divine Discontent	Sep-26-09 05:03 AM	#26
GREAT writing	lillypaddle	Sep-26-09 07:13 AM	#28
kick	kentuck	Sep-26-09 10:10 AM	#30
Another New CyberWorld...Totally Surreal	KharmaTrain	Sep-26-09 10:28 AM	#31
Not really a FB fan...	mamalone	Sep-26-09 10:39 AM	#32
this touched me. thanks.	mrs_p	Sep-26-09 10:47 AM	#33
Brilliant!	PatSeg	Sep-26-09 12:37 PM	#34
Thank you, Nance	Dystopian	Sep-26-09 01:15 PM	#35
Real funny	itsrobert	Sep-26-09 01:38 PM	#36
so GOOD- ! One of your very best posts...	Bluerthanblue	Sep-26-09 01:56 PM	#38
OMG! An idiot on the internet???	BlooInBloo	Sep-26-09 01:59 PM	#39
NO! You had some kind of fake-friend internet drama?!	harmonicon	Sep-26-09 02:06 PM	#40
Oh dear, no, it's satire/inspiring humor that has nothing really to do with FB.	Divine Discontent	Sep-27-09 06:15 AM	#52
yeah, maybe	harmonicon	Sep-27-09 08:57 AM	#54
I'll reference the matter elsewhere leaving any resultant stuck between great stones just to be sure	bridgit	Sep-26-09 02:16 PM	#41
This is why	brucefan	Sep-26-09 03:11 PM	#42
Bookmarked and recced by a non-believer. BOTH pieces are perfect.	bertman	Sep-26-09 03:32 PM	#43
I heard this Jesus fellow was a nice enough guy	ScottLand	Sep-26-09 04:49 PM	#44
Kudos.	BrklynLiberal	Sep-26-09 05:04 PM	#45
Fantastic!	Lugnut	Sep-26-09 07:29 PM	#47
Great description - FANTASTIC! Kick Again!	Divine Discontent	Sep-27-09 06:17 AM	#53
I did a search and...	jeff30997	Sep-26-09 08:02 PM	#48
Nance one of your best yet!	MadMaddie	Sep-26-09 09:42 PM	#49
I like it when Nance rants !	Swagman	Sep-26-09 11:07 PM	#50
I like how you handled yourself!	ThatsMyBarack	Sep-26-09 11:16 PM	#51