10 ways to be a law abiding Republican

[Bjorn Against]

1. If you don't like someone tell some people that they they have a huge arsenal of weapons that they are threatening you with. Then go blow up that person's entire neighborhood and kill off their innocent neighbors. If it turns out that there really was no arsenal of weapons just say that you were acting in America's best interest so we should all be applauding the deaths you caused.

2. If you ever get drunk and shoot a guy in the face simply refuse to speak to the police until you have sobered up. Dick Cheney proved to us that if you do this you won't face any consequences at all if you go on a drunken shooting spree as long as you call it a hunting accident and don't allow any breathalyzer tests.

3. If someone you don't like happens to have a wife in the CIA simply let a major newspaper know about her identity, and you can get revenge in a way that all Republicans agree is perfectly legal. After all what's the harm? There is absolutely no chance that a terrorist just might read America's major newspapers and figure out who was spying on them and who they are working with is there?

4. If you get called before a grand jury to testify in one of these outings of a CIA operative it is perfectly alright to lie under oath about it because if the GOP says there is no crime then you can tell the court whatever lies you want to. Just don't lie about consensual sex, because that is one non-crime in which an exception is made to this rule.

5. If you are going to engage in sex outside of marriage make sure it is not with another consenting adult, because that would lead to impeachment for some people. Instead of consensual sex, go for underage Congressional pages then the Republicans in Congress will be sure to make sure you don't get in any trouble at all.

6. If you ever have Congress subpoena your e-mail records simply lie and say that they were accidently purged from your computer as well as every other computer they were sent to. Obstruction of Justice is not a crime if you can destroy all the evidence in a technically sophisticated way and then pretend that you will attempt to recover it while never actually doing so.

7. If you ever find out that America is under attack and there are still hijacked planes flying through the air, don't do anything to try to stop the attack. Instead sit and read a children's book about a girl and her pet goat, because there is nothing criminal at all about ignoring an attack that will kill thousands of people.

8. If you are ever in a situation where thousands of people are in danger of being killed by a natural disaster simply lock them all up in a stadium and don't send them any help for two days so you can be sure not to miss any birthday parties or guitar playing sessions. There is nothing criminal about locking people up in a building filled with sewage and rotting corpses, so don't worry about it.

9. If your candidate looks to be in trouble in an election and you have family in Florida, simply call them up and tell them to do everything they can to keep black people from voting. When people complain that there civil rights have been violated simply tell them to "get over it" as once you say those words no one will ever worry about what the Voting Rights Act says.

10. If you are ever under investigation for any crime, simply fire the attorneys that are running the investigation. If there is no one left to investigate you then you obviously not a criminal.

[Name removed]

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