Is allowing a ten year old child complete access to the internet without adult supervision permissible

[Winterblues]

Is allowing a ten year old child complete access to the internet without adult supervision permissib...

I have a ten year old granddaughter that has an account on My Space even though the age requirement is thirteen years old. Her Mother allows her total access to the internet without any supervision and my wife is freaking out over it. The parents are divorced and the girl lives with her Mother getting one weekend a month with her father. She has established an account on My Space and listed her age as nineteen. I personally do not believe any child of ten should be allowed unsupervised access to the internet but am not as completely freaked out as my wife. Should I be?

[redqueen]

1. I would be.

Myspace users get lots of nasty spam... and lots of nasty guys will be trying to friend her if she has 'cute' pics up.

Someone needs to have a serious talk with mom. She's setting her daughter up.

[liberalmike27]

28. They say

You should stick your computer in the living room, where you can keep an eye on the screen.

Of course, nothing can be better than raising a child with the right morals, I suppose. I don't think the pictures are probably the worst thing about the Internet, but certainly you have to watch some of that spam that circulates.

They've also got cyber-nanny programs you can install on the computer, which require a password to get into the "everything" mode, and regularly update, like anti-virus programs. These programs regularly keep track of sites where there is nudity, or by a number of criterion that you specify. I'd suggest both of these methods, as neither is perfect.

[smalll]

2. It's a problem. With today's high-speed, video-based internet,

there is so much free porn out there that really NO one should be allowed full access to the internet until age 18.

[lindisfarne]

22. The porn is not so much the issue. But the child's own safety (& the safety of her family) is.

Kids that age don't always have the judgment to not give out personal information.
As for the porn: kids are going to see porn. If they go looking for it on the internet, they'd go looking for it off the internet.
I'd say having software to restrict child's access to certain sites, plus software anyone should have to restrict adds, dangerous sites, etc. is a good thing. I'd allow access to educational sites with graphic pics - that would probably satisfy any preteen who was looking for porn.

[meegbear]

3. A ten year old saying she's nineteen ... there's a problem.

[ingac70]

4. Listing her age as 19?

Don't be surprised when you find out she's being stalked by a 40 year old man.

[JitterbugPerfume]

5. yes

the kid needs supervision She is only ten years old !

[WillParkinson]

6. I agree with the others...

There are too many people trying to get information today and a child that young could provide a likely target.

[supernova]

7. Yes, it's a problem

She shouldn't be baiting people on MySpace (or FB, or twitter either) by presenting herself as older. Way too many old lechers who want to play with that shit.

Mom seems clueless here.

[msedano]

8. a new plug-in drug, virtual au pair

sounds as if the mother uses the computer as the electronic babysitter. as such it's a bit of an improvement over telelvision, but stirs echoes of marie winn's indictment of television. i wonder if bedtime includes mom reading the girl a story?

[lumberjack_jeff]

A virtual au pair...

... who is a registered sex offender, perhaps.

[TexasObserver]

9. Your granddaughter is at serious risk.

Allowing a ten year old to have a myspace that lists her age as 19 is grievous parental negligence.

myspace is widely used by young people to hook up.

IMO, no child under 16 should be allowed such free access to the internet.

[lumberjack_jeff]

10. Yes.

My 11 year old has access to the internet... of a sort. I have his machine set up such that he only can see webpages that I've allowed.

It's kind of administration intensive, ("dad can you type in your password so I can see the cartoon network website?") but it's the only way.

[woodsprite]

38. We did the same thing, and so far, so good.

What we're using also keeps a log of activity (so mom can review what sites are visited) and allows you to block certain apps during given times (homework time). It also lets you allocate how many hours per day/per week kids are allowed online.

That, combined with an email program called Zoobuh (same type of security settings and any mail from non-authorized senders kicks to Mom/Dad), has helped alot in what our kids (teen and preteen) can see online. The security settings are set by Windows profile, so our preteen is set much tighter than our teen. There is no way his sister would let him use her account, so I don't have to worry about them working together. That being said, our teen does have a Facebook account that's monitored. If certain 'verbage' comes up, the nanny software kicks in and blocks the page.

Oh, and we had to really tweak it to get it to work with Napster for her, but it seems we've hit on what's needed.

A real nice feature is that I can set her email to also be unavailable during homework time. Also, the computer lives in the main traffic area of the kitchen/den. ;)

[Lance_Boyle]

11. Mom is unfit, uncaring, stupid, or some combination of the three.

Does Dad know about this?

[ejpoeta]

20. why do we have to say such things when we don't know. maybe she just doesn't KNOW

the risks. a lot of people aren't familiar with computers and may not know the risks involved.

[Lance_Boyle]

29. it's a parent's JOB to know

Would you be OK with it if she gave the ten-year-old a fifth of Jack Daniels because she "didn't know" it was dangerous? How about a handgun? Damn - we need competency testing for parenting AND internet service.

[redqueen]

32. How about just help?

Other countries (and Vermont?) are happy to provide assistance and guidance to new parents. Not that this parent is new, but she obviously could use some pointers.

Here, we just hope the parents' parents did a decent job, and then punish people for not doing a better job if they screw up. Not working out so well, is it?

[Bluenorthwest]

30. It is her job to know those things prior to making a decision about it

The end.

[trumad]

12. Let me guess--- the mother was married to your son?

Correct?

[Winterblues]

Yes that is correct but I still love the Mother greatly

My wife immediately contacted both parents and made her fears known. We just found this out two days ago and my wife is very upset about it. I suspect because of my wife's worry it will be resolved soon but fear the girl will hate us for it..

[Demoiselle]

52. I'm glad you contacted both parents.

I hope it is resolved properly, and soon.
If the girl really hates you for it , then she needs LOTS more help.

[Political Tiger]

13. You have a right to be upset.

The internet can be a dangerous place, especially for a ten year old. Sounds like the mother has her head up her a$$!

[slackmaster]

14. Very bad idea IMO

She has established an account on My Space and listed her age as nineteen.

That would be grounds for terminating all Internet access for a long, long time in my house.

[Warpy]

15. I would have been allowed free access

given my parents' lack of censorship of what I read. I was buying Playboy at the age of twelve to read the Jean Shepherd stories. I think my dad enjoyed the skin, which did nothing for me. My mother was slightly horrified, but never forbade it.

The real problem is the online chickenhawk and the parents need to know if the kid is making plans to meet anyone in real life. Other than that, I don't think overprotecting kids from the real world does them much of a favor, no matter how much parents want to preserve their innocence.

Just make sure where the kid is going offline.

[BlooInBloo]

16. My parents wouldn't have been able to prevent it.

[ejpoeta]

17. i wouldn't let my ten year old (i have one) have unfettered access to the internet.

She has an email account, and their computer is right out where everyone can see it. she is only allowed to go to sites i give her permission to go to. There are many problems with giving a child all access.... they could be subjected to very bad images in pop ups... they could be seeking out inappropriate stuff because they are curious. my sister had problems with my niece going on inappropriate sites. Also, kids may not know what NOT to let people know about themselves. especially on social networking sites. You are basically letting strangers in your house!!! And if your kid gives out any information, like address, phone number... they are opening themselves up for trouble from strangers. I wouldn't like panic, but maybe a conversation is in order regarding what the risks of this unfettered access are. There are filter programs and other ways to keep kids off of certain sites. and the girl should be well aware of what is not acceptable to give out to people online.

[LWolf]

It's an appalling lack of responsibility. nt

[SoCalDem]

18. Why not contact MySpace, by email and notify them that her age is wrong

They will close that account in a heartbeat.

I am so glad that the internet did not arrive at our house until our kids were in their late teens.. I cannot imagine how scared parents must be these days..:(

[redqueen]

25. Excellent idea.

I have our computer in the living room and closely monitor my kids' online activities. It's really not that scary if you make sure to have very open communication and stay closely involved.

[Winterblues]

26. That is my wife's next step

:shrug:

[truedelphi]

19. I imagine you could contact MySpace and let them know about this.

They cannot allow it once they have the facts.

IF she were to be molested due to the number of pedophiles that use MySpace, after they had the facts as to her real age, then the site would bear a significant liability.

Don't be shy - do what is best for your grand daughter and report this.

[reflection]

21. MySpace is a dangerous site for impressionable children.

I side with your wife. I would encourage the child's mother to put a stop to it.

If you need ammunition for your argument, see this site, or perhaps do some Googling yourself.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/02/06/eveningnews/main1286130.shtml

Good luck.

[onehandle]

23. No. Not without sizable restrictions on where she can surf.

You might as well drop her off in Times Square after midnight in 1975.

Virtually.

[MADem]

24. Permissible, yes. Advisable? No.

Rat her out to the MYSPACE people. They'll shut her down in a heartbeat.

[cdsilv]

47. I'm a computer professional and my daughters have been using the.....

...'internet' since the late 80's (AOL). I've always had the machines they use setup to where the kids would be facing the wall when looking at the screen and they knew I would look over their shoulders whenever I wanted.

I'd reach over and hit the power switch whenever I saw something I didn't like and we'd discuss it (use the power switch on the monitor if you don't want to rebuild windows occasionally....). Thank God Myspace/Facebook etc.. weren't around then, all I really had to deal with was 'chat'. Still, I had to monitor their use.

My kids are now in their 20's and very savvy about the internet, but I still have to remind them - 'do not put anything online that you do not want ANYONE to be able to find out - ANYONE includes pervs, your boss, your friends, your relatives, etc...'

1. get the kid off of myspace - let the myspace folks know about her mis-representing her age, they'll terminate the account.

2. put the computer in the living room with the kid facing the wall so that mom or any passerby can look over her
shoulder to see what she is doing

3. monitor her use.

4. Get some blocking software and set it up accordingly to what you want her to be able to do.

[nebenaube]

65. I just use every indiscretion as a teaching moment...

My daughter and I have discussed acceptable use of the internet many times, she knows that I can open an admin share on her pc from anywhere. She knows I can take over her machine even while she is using it and that the browsing history is available to me even after she has deleted it (not unlike one's employer could). Other then that level of control; she has academic freedom. I agree with the other poster above and that it is pointless to create forbidden fruits rather set the expectations, monitor and teach.

The problem with misrepresenting one's age as the child referred to in the OP includes the innocents that befriend her. Sure, some of the 'friends' might be real stalkers but what about the ones that are not? She endangers them as well since once accused, one must defend themselves.

This is just another reason I don't make friends with anyone under 28 on the net.

[Donnachaidh]

27. have you TALKED to the ten year old about her account?

While my kid didn't have full access at that age, I did allow him to surf while I wasn't on, and we talked about anything he might have ventured on to that was *bad*. I could also check the surfing history to see if he was being 100% straight with me. He was being straight, and I didn't have to embarrass him with allegations about him misbehaving on the net.

Freaking out about this without speaking to the child will only make it more exciting to the child. Putting blocks on the computer will be an incentive for the child to learn how to hack them. I know this because my son's classmates learned this AFTER their parents reacted the same way.

The MySpace account can be closed, simply by letting the site know she's on there with a fraudulent age listed. But I would STILL talk to her before you do any of that, and try to give her the chance to explain WHY she feels the need to open the account like that. Many kids just want to open accounts for the bragging rights.

TALK to her GrandDad! Don't automatically assume she's up to no good. Use the opportunity to get the kid talking. The internet is being used as a babysitter almost as much as TV used to be. Drag her away from it with a familiar voice, give her an outlet other than the internet.

[Winterblues]

31. She is coming for a two week visit next Sunday

I am positive this will be a topic of discussion.

[Donnachaidh]

68. you can turn this into a positive thing with communication.

It's hard enough on her with divorced parents, and I personally think giving HER a chance before automatically assuming the worst is the best way to go. Use that special connection between granddads and their granddaughters to give her an alternative to the net, and a positive outlet.

[madaboutharry]

33. There is a big problem.

It seems the biggest problem here is that the mother is not doing a lot of mothering.

[Lasher]

34. I agree with folks upthread, this should not be allowed.

Single parents have little spare time but it's easy to set up parental controls in Internet Explorer.

You can use Parental Controls to help manage how your children use the computer. For example, you can set limits on your children's access to the web, the hours that they can log on to the computer, and which games they can play and programs they can run.

I guess other web browsers must have similar features.

[Hallie Burton]

66. Good point

I'm not sure people realize Myspace also has parental controls. Every time my son gets a friend request it comes to my email address and I decide if that person can be added to his friend list.

[Lasher]

67. Don't talk much, huh Hallie?

I feel lucky you chose to favor me with one of your rare posts.

:hi:

[seabeyond]

35. my kids are 11 and 14 and have restrictions. safety eyes. and no my space or facebooks....

dont like them, dont like the trash, and they arent into it. maybe cause we have never embraced in house.

permissible, sure. advisable? not in this house.

i have real issues sons going to houses where there are no limitations for the kids.

[sandnsea]

36. A ten year old listing her age as 19

has more serious issues than the internet. If you don't figure out why she wants to grow up so fast, then making an issue over the internet just becomes fighting a battle while losing the war.

And I'm not sure what supervision means to you. If it means looking over her shoulder every second, then no, that's a horrible idea.

[JuniperLea]

37. At first I thought it would depend on the kid in question...

Some kids are very intelligent and mature for their age. But when I saw that she was listing her age as 19... oh, hell no! There is something horrifically wrong with this picture!

I bet Mom is trying to be her "friend" instead of her "parent" as so many are ill-advisedly want to do lately. It boggles the mind... that girl is wide open to the very worst the InterTubes have to offer, and let me tell you if you don't already know, it is ugly as hell out there.

[madaboutharry]

49. When the mom is trying to be a "friend" rather than a

parent you get a recipe for disaster. You end up with a person who doesn't know where the boundaries are and someone who has absolutely no self-discipline.

[JuniperLea]

56. Ever overheard a parent negotiating with their child?

I had a CEO tell me that he wanted to have his five-year-old in the next high-level board meeting because she is "one hell of a negotiator." I shuddered, literally. Can you imagine what the daughter of a billionaire will be like at age 16 if this is how she has her parents trained by age five?

:scary:

[Stevenmarc]

39. Look on the bright side, you'll probably be a great grandparent in about 4 years

[Winterblues]

41. You are not one bit funny

I also have a fifteen year old boy (grandson) that has a girl friend that wants a baby. My hair is getting greyer by the moment.

[seabeyond]

43. but this is the thing. n/t

[seabeyond]

42. lol lol... that is so bad, and true. hm... n/t

[BlooInBloo]

44. (facepalm)

[noamnety]

40. I see two issues, not one.

first issue - access to myspace at that age.

second issue - whether or not grandparents should be interfering in parenting decisions - especially of divorced couples. Adding family feuding, long term resentments, and struggles for control into what's already a stressful situation might harm the child as much as myspace access.

I would stay out of exerting control - just as I am sure you would if it were a coworker or neighbor giving their child access to myspace. Think about how you would handle that - because you have exactly the same rights now as you would in that situation. If you aren't the parent, you don't have custody, end of story.

I like the suggestion others made - and I was going to say the same thing, just report it to myspace as a terms of service violation and have the account closed.

[seabeyond]

46. ha... depends on the family. hubby family would never mention and do behind back

my family is horrified by wussiness and deceit adn would never think of that. we prefer in your face confrontation, being a part of all lives adn a say in everything. whole nother story on whether someone listens, but we do express that is for sure. our family is truly "it takes a village" type attitude adn back off and respect once the parent makes the decision. but we all listen to each other and actively seek out siblings opinions especially on parenting.

[noamnety]

54. It depends on family relationships for sure

Sometimes grandparents like the "it takes a village" approach a whole lot better than the parents. ;)

My (ex) MIL had a power struggle over raising my kid, she was convinced I was "starving" my daughter because when she was a toddler we were giving her real food, not sugary crap. We had read enough about how infant/toddler exposure to junk food creates cravings for it throughout life. The MIL was forever trying to give her cake and mountain dew for breakfast, lunch and dinner when we visited. But it wasn't her decision to make.

My kid's grown and just got a job doing the food prep at Whole Foods, so final victory goes to me - HA! But it never should have been a conflict to begin with.

[seabeyond]

58. bottom line respect... i think that is what makes it work. we express, we also value

our own independence and the others ability to parent.

respect

whereas hubby family, why it doesnt work, though they "stay out of" others business, they dont. it is manipulative, behind back so there is never the opportunity for me to express why i want it that way, and why my way works as opposed to theirs. other expression isnt allowed.

very very frustrating

[RaleighNCDUer]

45. Yes, and no.

Restricting access only makes it more tempting.

The best way to deal, IMO, is to allow unlimited access AFTER having a good, long talk about what's out there, who haunts and hunts there, how to protect your privacy, how to block sites, and how to NEVER believe that anyone is who they say they are. That she listed herself as 19 is a prime opportunity to expose that very danger.

But, as I said, the talk must precede the access. If you can't have that talk, if she's not willing to fully participate in that talk, pull the plug.

[PVnRT]

48. Ummmm...is mom encouraging her to lie about her age here?

On MySpace of all places? Jesus.

[T Wolf]

50. We NEVER monitored or censored our daughters' internet usage. The computer was in

the "family room" and they knew that we could walk over at any time to see what they were doing.

But, we never had to and never really considered spying on them because we raised them in an environment of openness and trust. They even knew that an open diary would be left unread (by us).

Even now, when they visit, they ask permission to use the computer to go online.

We must have done something correctly.

[noamnety]

57. Same story here

We didn't have a computer in her bedroom, it was in a common area. We didn't spy on her usage at all. I am sure she was exposed to some porn whether sought out or unsolicited. She had a good head on her shoulders, though, and was involved in a lot of outside activities. The computer was never the focus of her life the way it is for some kids.

[Xithras]

51. Are you kidding? My 15 year old doesn't even get that.

She has a Facebook, but I have the password. All of our home network traffic is logged, so I can see what she's doing. I don't check the logs often, but I do check them and my daughter knows it.

As I've explained to my daughter...my concern isn't her honesty. My daughter is a good, liberal, straight A kid. But I've been on the Internet since 1994 and I've seen its deepest and darkest corners. I know what's out there, and there are people who would happily use that unrestricted Internet connection to lure your granddaughter into activities that would have you grieving for the rest of your life.

Back in the late 90's I did some technology development for an online LEO pretator sting operation. I was floored at how quickly and easily they got these predators to bite the hook. The vast majority would never take the discussions beyond an online chat, but even those were openly discussing sex and masturbation with people who they thought were 8-12 year old girls and boys. In the late 90's online chat rooms were all the rage. Today it's social networking. It's unrealistic to think that the pervs haven't followed the kids.

[madaboutharry]

60. My older teenager has a facebook account and I have the

password. She is a responsible kid, but has agreed that I can see it. She knows we check.

The only "friends" are people we know. I have talked with the other parents who also have allowed Facebook accounts, and they all have the passwords. Whenever I have looked everything is very dull and boring. Stuff like "Lisa is going to Macy's today...". Sometimes the language is a bit too much, but they're teenagers.

But a 10 year old who already has the chutzpa to list her age as 19 needs some talking to.

[csziggy]

53. The mother needs to educate herself about the dangers

About fifteen years ago an eleven year old girl I knew was a latchkey kid and had several hours a day unsupervised on the internet. She posted her phone number and made arrangements to meet "friends" in person. It turned out one of those "friends" was an adult man who called her, had extensive conversations and tried to get the home address to see her alone.

She was posing as an eighteen year old so the man may not have been a pedophile, just looking for companionship, but it still was not a good situation.

This was when internet connections were $$$ per hour - the parents found out about what was going on when they got a bill for several hundred dollars for one month's connections. Then they got the long distance charges - not only was the girl letting people call her, she was calling them back. Another several hundred dollars.

Fortunately they caught it before anything happened to her, but they were just lucky. And this was a long time ago - the dangers have only gotten worse.

Please, for the sake of the girl, make sure some adult is checking on her internet activities!

[BolivarianHero]

55. Wholly unacceptable nowadays...

It's too easy to get yourself in trouble on places like Facebook and MySpace. The Internet is much more social and much more accessible than it was when I was 11 way back in 1994. Gooood God!

[Douglas Carpenter]

59. would one allow a ten-year-old to attend a school or hang out with their friends?

Life is full of inappropriate material for impressionable children or impressionable adults for that matter. I guess I just can't see the Internet as any worse than countless other influences that are going to come a child's way, no matter how much one would want to protect them from it all. Of course I can't blame a parent or guardian from wanting to protect their children from all the horrible influences that might come their way. But if children somehow go astray or are approached by undesirable characters or scared by harmful experiences - it will most likely occur at school or within their neighborhood or with family or friends - not the Internet.

Short of putting a child in an isolation cube - the only real way that I can imagine protecting a child from potential harmful influences are for responsible adults to provide them with the guidance and stability that they need face a world full of bad influences.

[Ignis]

61. Not unless you want to explain "Goatse" to her. (nt)

[Festivito]

62. How about a combo library/Porn shop/Courtroom lobby?

Some kids do know limits even at that age. Others won't even in their 40's.

[ismnotwasm]

63. Well it's not a good idea

I think kids should be allowed a certain amount of privacy, what I don't understand here is the age thing. Why would a ten year old list her age as 19? Is it a my space requirement? Female and 19? Not a information combo for a little girl to be putting out there.

My grandson is on a few game sites and one or two socializing site designed for kids. I let him have privacy, so I suppose he's "unsupervised" but I check up on how he's doing every so often. I wouldn't leave him for a prolonged length of time on the internet on any site without letting him know there is an adult close by who cares very much for his well being.

I also have age appropriate discussion with him about what IS on the internet. His Mom and I are on the same page with this. On of the more difficult things about parenting is being able to gage when they need certain information. I'd rather he got good information from the people who care about him then some strangers with their bullshit on the internet.

I keep a closer eye on him when he's on Youtube. Youtube is a trip, but you have to be careful.

[havocmom]

64. Gather up info & links on internet scams & predators, your local library may be able to guide you

Email that info & those links to both your son & his former wife. Include links to the any online social networking site pages the child has. Let them see for themselves what she is doing while they are not supervising. (Yes, I know your son has very limited supervision opportunity, but he needs to be involved if the girl is passing herself off as 19!)

CC the email info to yourself (and you might consider an email account that is on some other server, as a sort of vault to save the email)and save it in case you need to use a bit more pressure to have mom deal with reality. That CC might be helpful if there are anymore problems with kid putting up pages on social network sites where she is lying about her age. You might have to consider talking to child protective services.

I am NOT in favor of censoring what a kid reads. I favor using judgment about suggesting material based on individual children's understanding and ability. Kids who are kept too protected grow up dangerously naive. BUT, a book or magazine will not engage the kid, won't build a relationship and bond of trust based on lies with the kid, won't make arrangements to meet the kid when the kid goes off that parents don't understand her and needs 'a friend'. Internet predators WILL.

And people, be aware that libraries have public access computers. Library staffs cannot babysit minors. Parents have to deal with the realities. Keep communication, REAL communication, up with kids, as mentioned above. Parents have to stop using internet as babysitter. Kids don't have enough life experience to avoid the pitfalls. Let them know why NO means no when you say it.

Check your local resources. More and more communities are addressing this issue and putting together programs to help parents and kids understand Internet risks that they may not fully appreciate.

The internet is a wonderful thing. It is a gateway to so much knowledge, so many opportunities, but is not so different from real life. There ARE bad people out there in 'real life' and on the Internet.

Since the 10 year old we are specifically discussing here lied about her age, mom needs a good dose of facing the reality that many of the people she is able to communicate with are also lying. Some of them do not have the girl's best interest in mind.

Kids that young need parenting. Parents need to be aware and pay attention to what kids are doing. Parents HAVE to step up to the plate and be parents. They can be buddies later, when the kids are grown.