an open letter to adoptees and adoptive parents

[hyphenate]

I don't know where exactly to start. It's one of those topics which make people shift uncomfortably in their chairs, and while it's not illegal or immoral, it evokes very strong images and feelings in many people.

Let me therefore start with myself. I was adopted when I was a baby--the actual adoption happened when I was about a year and a half old, with me going to the adoptive parents when I was just nine days old. The biological mother, however, remained in my life, as she had given me to her brother--my uncle--and his wife to raise. So I knew my biological mother as my aunt throughout my life. Seeing that it was an open adoption, there were no secrets involved--at least not at the time it happened.

This is the hard part though--it wasn't until I was 18 before my mom tried to tell me about it. That was a stressful situation, and made even more stressful by the fact that I had known since I was 11 that I had been adopted. No one knew, though, that I was well aware of my status--I'd kept that from everyone for over 6 years. And as far as life changing event in one's life, this one is/was a doozy. Imagine having such a secret throughout the most tumultuous years of one's life, and it is easy to see how my life was significantly changed as a result.

Did I have my father's eyes, his smarts, her bad habits? Did I inherit the tendency for being overweight, for my love of animals, the streak of independence I possessed? My biological mother was an alcoholic, a smoker, a sex addict and had heart disease. I vowed as I went through my teen years that I would never be like her--the thought of doing so frightened me significantly. But while I never smoked, drank that much or even had much sex, I found there were some things I could not shake, as I inherited heart problems relatively young, even having a heart attack at the age of 43.

Well, now you've heard my story, and it's now time for me to address the reason for this post. If you are an adoptive parent, please do your children a big, big favor--tell your child the truth. Don't hide it from them, and certainly don't wait until they're almost an adult before owning up to the fact that there is a set of biological parents out there somewhere. Don't make them feel like they're second class citizens, either, for being adopted. And certainly, NEVER use their adopted heritage as any kind of punishment, even in the worst of arguments.

During the years in which I was aware of the truth, but kept it a secret, I often viewed myself as the scum of the earth, a child so hated that someone "threw me away" rather than keep me and raise me. As an adult, I know that is ludicrous, but a child doesn't know and certainly doesn't understand. Imagine feeling so unwanted that you question your worth, and come up wanting. Imagine that you look in people's faces on the street, wondering if you look enough like some man that you think he might be your biological father? I grew up looking at my biological mother quite often, but after finding out the truth, I was repulsed by her hypocrisy.

It's a fair assumption that a lot of adoptees feel like this, but usually, they have the support of their family when nagging questions arise, and indeed, most adoptees never find out who their biological parents really are. As I had stumbled on the truth and felt I couldn't tell anyone, both options were out to me. I always thought I wasn't achieving a lot in high school because I was too lazy, but there is a part of me that says I was, in fact, traumatized. Okay, so now there are some who believe that I should have picked myself up and moved forward. That's fine; but how many out there were 11 years old when they found out something similar, and who could move on from there without any problems? You can't just go on. If you talk with someone about it, you might be able to recover faster, but when it happened to me, there was no one for me to talk with.

I sit here now, wishing I could go back in time to hug my younger self and say that it's okay, and things will work out in the end, and to give her hugs and kisses, and promise that they will have a better life. I can't obviously, and obviously, no one did. It has altered my life, though, and in some ways extremely negatively. I rarely dated, rarely trusted anyone enough to trust them with who I really was, and if fact, while I had many good friends, I rarely had any close friends. Even now, I don't carry a lot of trust for anyone I don't know very well.

Still I try to keep going. At my recent birthday, when I turned 53, I reviewed my life and realized how much I'd lost simply because I had no support group to help me move beyond the shattering things I lived with for so long.

To other adoptees, was it any better for you? Or am I part of a eclectic group who faced similar doubts and fears with their revelations? How did others cope with this kind of dilemma? It might not be too late for me to learn something and apply it to my life, just when I need to feel that life isn't as unkind as I believed it be so long ago.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

1. You are so brave,

and so strong. And so courageous to put all this here. Your story will help someone, or lots of someones, and that, maybe, will help you to come to terms with the reality that you were just a child, doing the best you could.

And you did fine.

Truth is never a bad option. And kids always know the truth, even if the adults don't understand that about them. Kids are little Truth Cops, and the more you level with them, the easier it is for everyone.

I wish you good luck, and thank you for a moving and meaningful and simply wonderful message ...............

[hyphenate]

5. I don't really feel I'm courageous or that strong

but I feel that someone has to show others that there are lots of others out here who can listen, who have gone through similar things.

My life is mostly "matter of fact" now, and there are no secrets anymore. My biological mother died in 1983, and strangely enough, my adoptive dad, her brother, died in January, 1984. There was no big revelation anywhere along the line, but I had long before reconciled myself to the fact that it was the woman who raised me who was my real mother. Genetically, I wasn't related to her, but hell, the real trick is to understand that at some point along the way, and be happy that there were people who loved me enough to make me part of their family.

[Frances]

2. I am so sorry for the pain you felt

and still feel.

I do like the idea of you going back in time in your mind and giving your young self hugs and approval and understanding.

[hyphenate]

6. thanks!

As an adult, I know now that no matter what else happens to me, I had a home, loving parents, and more. Sadly, I also know that there are likely others who are going through something similar. Problem is, there is no way to reach them. It's not something that makes headlines, nor something even adoptees themselves spend time over. In some cases, it feels like the ultimate betrayal, even if that is far away from what is really going on. Having parents talk with the kids LONG before they're 18, and who make a point out of telling the kids that there really isn't a huge deal over their adopted status--those things help. It's the only way to show that there is nothing wrong with being adopted.

[Frances]

9. A long time ago someone very close to me was pregnant.

When she was about 6 months pregnant, the father of the baby abandoned her and she was so despondent that she attempted suicide. She had engaged in self-destructive behavior before she got pregnant.

A day or so after the baby was born, I talked with her. She said the baby was so cute she wanted to keep him/her.

I have agonized for years over my advice, which was: "You can't think of yourself now. You have to do what's best for the baby."

She gave the baby up for adoption.

I still grieve over the loss of the baby, but I don't think I gave bad advice.

Your mother had many problems, but I think she did what was best for you when she allowed you to be adopted. Her solution was not a good one, but it was the best one under the circumstances. The truth would have been difficult for you at any age, but it would have been better for you to have received the truth gradually from an early age IMO.

But I do have compassion for your adoptive parents. There was no way pain free way to tell you what had happened. And I'm sure your adoptive parents were aware that when you became a pre-teen and a teen, you would be tempted to leave them and go live with your "real" mother. Many teens are convinced that they can "cure" a parent with problems if only given the chance.

[MADem]

3. I am a real fan of open adoption and as many details as the child asks for.

And maybe a few that they didn't think to ask.

I don't think you're the odd one out--I think your childhood experience is similar to most adoptees, particularly when the biological parent is "still in the picture" but guarding a secret.

Kids aren't stupid--they know something's up. Your advice to prospective adopted parents is sound.

You might want to touch base, either online or in person, with one of those support groups for adoptees. I'll bet you'll find your story repeated over and over, and maybe some good advice, too.

[hyphenate]

7. Thanks!

I'm okay right now. I don't make a big deal out of this anymore. The only time in recent years (other than this posting) that I've even thought about it for more than a couple of minutes was in trying to get my dual citizenship finished, but I never did get all the paperwork done!

I do have to confess that as I get older, though, there is a part of me that has many regrets. My birthday was less than a month ago, and it was as a result of the occasion that I spent time doing the quiet reflection and such. I think that most people try to take stock when they feel they have wasted more time than did what they set out to do. It's not pathetic or anything, just a desire to take back some of the time misspent along the way.

[CoffeeCat]

4. I don't know if this will help...

...but I'm also an adoptee and I do understand.

Our situations are very different, but I do understand trauma associated with an adoption situation.

What happened to you--finding out you were adopted and having to process that huge piece of information, as a child--by yourself, sounds
very daunting. I think you were a very brave child to have carried all of that for so long. I'm sure you had lots of
questions and challenges related to knowing that you were adopted--but not fully understanding why or what happened. Children tend
to blame themselves or think they were the reason for their situations--and I'm sure that was hard.

To find out that your aunt was really your mom, would have been very shocking. I mean, this is Lifetime movie stuff. Please don't
feel bad because you feel insecure or have trust issue. That's normal. It's biological, even. It's hard to know who to trust, when
the very people who are supposed to love, nurture and protect you--seem to have kept huge secrets from you. So...you are not defective
or "unwilling to get over it" because you have trust issues. If you ask me, you're smart. You're trying to protect yourself from
further hurt.

I'm sure it will just take some time to sort this all out. Have you considered therapy to help you process this stuff? I know it
may be hard to reach out. So much of your life--you've taken this all on by yourself. But that can be overwhelming.

I was adopted at birth. My situation was very dismal. My adoptive parents sexually, physically and emotionally abused me. I have
many, many unanswered questions--because I cannot fathom why adoptive parents who went to so much trouble to adopt a child--would
totally treat that child like an object. My abuse involved other children who were abused and other adults (friends of my parents)
who abused me as well. Due to the abuse, I question my adoption even more. Was it even a legitimate adoption? Where there secrets
surrounding who my parents are--much like your situation? I've even wondered if at times--if I was abducted. I guess that's
part of trying to make sense of a very senseless situation.

I know our situations are different, but I know what it is like to feel disappointment, pain and trauma surrounding your adoption.

I cut off my adoptive parents, and I don't know who my biological parents are. For a long time, I felt like an orphan. However,
I've come to realize that I'm a child of the universe. I am here. I deserve to be here. This is my home--and although the first
chapters of my life weren't optimal--I have the power to write the rest of the book. It's not always going to be easy, and the
past will always remain what it is. However, healing is possible. Trust is possible.

You are more than your biology. So much more.

I got married and had two kids. I am now the matriarch of a totally new family. It's almost like starting with a clean slate.
You can do that too. You know how valuable honesty is. You know how important trust is. So you can start a new family that
values those things--because you know how hard it is without them. You may have kids or you may find family in good friends,
neighbors and other amazing people you meet along the way.

A lot of people got to decide many things for you--before you were born and as you were growing up. But now--it's your turn
to decide. You get to carve out your own destiny. On your own terms.

That's how I view things now. I hope that helped in some way.

Take care---

[hyphenate]

8. I feel so bad for you!

It must have been horrible when you were much younger. At least, right now, your life is on an upswing, which is great. If I had been abused sexually when I was a child, I don't know if I could live with that. As it is, there were two friends of my father that would have liked to abuse me, but I was smart enough to know what they were up to, and I stopped them from going anywhere with it. If I had had my druthers, I would have kicked them in the balls, but just preventing them from doing more than touching me inappropriately was fine. Neither of them ever did it again.

I have had some therapy, but this hasn't been on the agenda. One of my old therapists told me that I was the only one normal in what she saw and heard about my family! I don't blame you for being somewhat paranoid. Under the circumstances, you have every right to be!

I don't think I'll be starting a family, though--at 53, my family is pretty much complete: even if both the brats are four legged and furry (cats!). And I don't think I ever really wanted kids--I have, as an adult, wanted all my time to myself. Children would have complicated things even more. Not that I didn't have kids around me--two nieces, three nephews, and one grand-nephew are more than I could handle. I don't have any of them living near me right now, but I have extended invitations to all but my oldest niece to visit. My oldest niece and I are not on the best of terms, though it isn't that serious. She has a tendency to speak ill of people and is quite outspoken, and I finally gave up on her. If you've read the Harry Potter books, my niece is the epitome of Percy Weasley, the really snobby Weasley son who thinks he's better than all the others in his family. But I'm happier in my life without a child of my own.